Thursday, January 12, 2006

Screams


Where do I begin. hummmmm, lets see.
I sometimes that there is a scream inside of me that is not heard by anyone else. I can hear my screams. They are deep within, and locked by my doomed mind. You see, my mind has way too much control over my innerself (and maybe all of us the same).
My soul goes through an agonizing process, where, u can scream, but no one can her u. You can be baaaaaaaaad boy, but keep it within. You can be evil, but u better look good on the outside. Always, this struggle and agonizing war is in flames inside of me. So far, it seems that the mind is in control and the armies of common sense and logic are winning, but not a decisive win. I can sense the forces of wickedness, and evilness, and even weird feelings, are gathering their troops and waging small wars inside.
Somehow, you manage to draw this beautiful smile on your face, and this..this..well this perfect laugh. Yet, deep inside of you, no one can hear your cries. Don't blame them, but blame the mind, indeed.
How can you numb the brain, so the forces of the revolution inside of you can come out, just for few moments, just for damn few moments. I wish there is another way other than a bottle of conjak or 3arag. I wish there is a better way.
I wanna scream at so many things, so many damn things, but I can not. No it's not the chemicals I deal with. Rules, rules, rules, red lines, then rules again that are acting as a big wall preventing my innerself from screaming what it really wants to scream about. Do I have to drink alcohol to have some kind of breach at these walls so my innerself can come out for few moments? I'm not willing to do that, never ever again.
Then how can I satisfy the desires, and come out? One of these days, i wanna come out and tell exactly how I feel about life, politics, social, behaviors, love, yes love, and so many other things that are kept in this deep well, and hidden behind this nice looking charming mask I am forced to wear?
How can you come out? the joy and the laughter that may accompany such "coming out" is so damn...whats the word I'm looking for..yes..so damn "innocent" and so damn "real". But why would u wanna ruin a nice painting that has nice looking background, and trees, and ..and children playing and a small boat in the far distance, now why would u wanna ruin that for a simple few moments of "coming out"? Is it worth it? damn yes. Can u do it? damn no.

7 comments:

Nas said...

everyone has that.

that battle that we fight daily is called a jihad and it is the greatest jihad in our lives.

the internal struggle for good to overcome evil

Amin Matalqa said...

One word: Ohio.

Bo3Bo3 said...

Nas

I hear ya dude, indeed it is a jihad

amin
loooool r u saying that I'm under the moonshine effect?

Islamic ChoCoHoLic said...

SALam Alll its soo funny ur all majaheeb! im an Ex MAhjoobah... im new to this blog land!! hala bo3bo3!! do u share ur bathroom thoughts here too! yalla soon ill get teh hang of this blogging :O miss the mahjooob smileys!!

kinzi said...

Amjad, with your permission, I am going to pray for you. It sounds like you have a spiritual battle, not just the jihad of inner struggle.

I will be praying in Jesus' name, as he spent much of his ministry on earth on these issues. I found freedom from inner screams, evil thoughts etc. when I did. If you have had any involvement in the occult you need to renounce it. Hope you don't mind well-meant advice, I just remember that being my life for so long, and deliverence was freeing, permanent and sweet.

Bo3Bo3 said...

Islamic chocoholic
glad that u enjoyed this post :)


Kinzi
I can not refuse any prayer, in any religion. God listens to all prayers I believe. No I'm not part of a cult nore I ever thought of belonging to one. I'm more of person who enjoys gothic and dark wicked art, but it's only as an art. I believe that this jihad (or spiritual battle) is in everyone of us. Some of us chose to simply over look it and shut down the brain (in some spots only). Others chose to keep torturing themselves with such questions and battles. But the war is still within, because we always have a positive, and it's negative inside our minds, souls, and hearts.

Islamic ChoCoHoLic said...

i forgot to comment on ur post..

ya bo3bo3 what u talk abt is i think what every person goes through its the inner struggle.. JIHAD al nafs as nas said.. there are types of NAfs.. Al nafs al 2amara bil soo2, al nafs il lawama, and al nafs il mo6ma2na.. to reach the nafs al motma2nah we have to always jahid our nafs and try our best to please GOd rather than to please our 2ahwaa2..

wa Allah ysa3idna 3ala ta3atoh..