Screams

Where do I begin. hummmmm, lets see.
I sometimes that there is a scream inside of me that is not heard by anyone else. I can hear my screams. They are deep within, and locked by my doomed mind. You see, my mind has way too much control over my innerself (and maybe all of us the same).
My soul goes through an agonizing process, where, u can scream, but no one can her u. You can be baaaaaaaaad boy, but keep it within. You can be evil, but u better look good on the outside. Always, this struggle and agonizing war is in flames inside of me. So far, it seems that the mind is in control and the armies of common sense and logic are winning, but not a decisive win. I can sense the forces of wickedness, and evilness, and even weird feelings, are gathering their troops and waging small wars inside.
Somehow, you manage to draw this beautiful smile on your face, and this..this..well this perfect laugh. Yet, deep inside of you, no one can hear your cries. Don't blame them, but blame the mind, indeed.
How can you numb the brain, so the forces of the revolution inside of you can come out, just for few moments, just for damn few moments. I wish there is another way other than a bottle of conjak or 3arag. I wish there is a better way.
I wanna scream at so many things, so many damn things, but I can not. No it's not the chemicals I deal with. Rules, rules, rules, red lines, then rules again that are acting as a big wall preventing my innerself from screaming what it really wants to scream about. Do I have to drink alcohol to have some kind of breach at these walls so my innerself can come out for few moments? I'm not willing to do that, never ever again.
Then how can I satisfy the desires, and come out? One of these days, i wanna come out and tell exactly how I feel about life, politics, social, behaviors, love, yes love, and so many other things that are kept in this deep well, and hidden behind this nice looking charming mask I am forced to wear?
How can you come out? the joy and the laughter that may accompany such "coming out" is so damn...whats the word I'm looking for..yes..so damn "innocent" and so damn "real". But why would u wanna ruin a nice painting that has nice looking background, and trees, and ..and children playing and a small boat in the far distance, now why would u wanna ruin that for a simple few moments of "coming out"? Is it worth it? damn yes. Can u do it? damn no.