Saturday, January 07, 2006

From deep within

Out of all typs of pain I endured, one pain I am yet to adapt to. I had kidney stones, lower back pain, car accidents injuries, fights injuries, I say I had almost all, but one pain that I am yet to learn how to over come. That pain is because by one simple cause, it’s the pain of home sickness and my love to Jordan.

How can overcome such misery? Every damn day I have Jordan on the back of my mind. I hooked my laptop to my tv so I can watch Jordan TV. I look for anything that is made in Jordan when I shop for groceries. I mentions Jordan every time I talk about the beautiful things in my life, and I the same time, the worst pain I live through.

They say that ghorbah is dangerous, and every year you stay away from home, it becomes more difficult to go back one day. It's like a small seed you plant, and every day, the roots get deeper and deeper into the ground that it becomes difficult to rip the tree off the ground once it becomes a tree. I fear that pretty much. I had to leave Jordan when I was 7 years old (thanks dad) to the uae, and then came straight after high school to the states. I was deprived from living my childhood years in Jordan, and I am deprived to live my best years too.

Every time some of my friends go to visit Jordan, I get depressed for few days. And every time they come back, I get depressed too. Do I sound sissy? I don’t give a damn, seriously I don’t. I consider myself to be anti depression as I always look for fun things to do and say. I manage to make so many people around me laugh. Yet, from deep inside of me, there is this little child that screams day and night “take me home bo3bo3, take me home, damn u”

Here comes the hardest part. “why don’t u simply pack and leave bo3bo3?” LOOOOOOOOOOOOL sounds so easy, but he who has his fingers in water is not like the one who’s fingers in fire. Yes it ain’t easy no more when you have a family to lead into the safe shore. Family and job are like the shackles that holds you to the ground. Imagine you are drowning in the sea and you move your hands so hard to rise up to the surface so you can breath, yet you can not because your legs are tied to the bottom of the lake.

How the hell do you cope with such pain? I have no idea. Please don’t anyone tell me “just go home every year for vacation. I would, if I have money, damn money. I never like money, but now I wish I have lots of it, or maybe enough of it just to buy tickets and go to Jordan evey year.

Oh well, as they say in hillbilly ohio, “###t happens”




Khalidah said...

I can relate to your pain my dear because simply I have been there and done that .. but unlike you .. fortunately I had the luxury to drop everything and come back .. not because I have more money .. heck I am still paying my debts and will be for a long time .. but because I was literally sinking in depression and had to take a drastic decision to rip myself out and pack my bags and leave ..

I really have no suggestions .. and I can't tell you to just leave everything and come back .. but I will tell you this; plant a seed in Jordan .. one that will always represent a reason for you to come back .. no matter how small .. just make the investment .. and know it in your heart and more importantly believe it .. you will always have a place for you here .. and Jordan will always greet you with wide open arms ..

My uncle lives with his family in France and he is even married to a French lady .. however; he has made it his mission to come to Jordan every year to strengthen the family and patriotism feelings within his kids .. and once he is here .. he goes around the country visiting all sorts of places and taking all pictures and making memories that will last and will make his children think of Jordan as home and want to come back one day .. if not for good .. at least every now and then ..

You can never get over this pain .. however .. you can tune this longing you have into a motivation to bring yourself and your family to Jordan even if once every 2 or 3 years .. just set achievable objectives my friend and making the dream come true will be a lot easier and less stressful ..

Anything I can do to help?

batir wardam said...

Dear Friend;

I am thrilled to raed such a passionate outcry of love from abroad. I have been used to think of Jordanians abroad as being derailed from the patriotic committment to the country, land and people but in the recent past I have seen some examples of magnificant linakges to Jordan. I hagve travelled in short missions outside Jordan and felt that feeling of home sickness after only 3 days and I do not find the courage in my self to be abroad for work or studying and such posts reinforces my thoughts as well.
Hope you will be able to calculate your life and be back in Jordan soon.

Bo3Bo3 said...

Thanks all for reading.

many do my friend, many.

thanks for so much encouraging words, that was help already. The decision has to come from within, to finally set the sail and head home.

believe me, and from my encounters from jordanians in ghorbah, many simply left their hearts in jordan, and jordan is always in their mind. When the bombings happened, there were lots of movements from jordanians abroad, they never forgot home.