Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Go on..walk out on me

I wrote this poem during my drive back to indiana. Hope someone may like it out there.

Go on..walk out on me

Part I. The past
Have I told you yet?
That I loved you
Have I showed you yet?
What your loveReally meant to me
With every step I takeI see you
With every breath I takeI feel you
Have I told you yet?
I wish I was a poet
To express my feeling
I wish I was an ill soul
To seek your healing
I wish I was a book
That you are reading
To tell you how I feel
Have I told you yet?
Something in your eyes
Something in your smile
Something in your voice
I haven’t told you yet
Have I?

Part II. The stab
A thousand knifes
No…NoA million cuts
No..not even that
A constant burning
In a flaming fire
You watched me burn
A persistent bleeding
On the slab of sacrifice
You watched me knealing
I could see your eyes
Staring at me
Feeling your grieving
Your hand never stopped
Slaughtering me
You rested your hand
On my forehead
I felt the warmth
After fearing to be dead
Your tears fell on my face
And, to you, I pled
Go ahead..walk out on me
You were never the first
But I promises
You shall be the last

Part III. The pain
I’d love to hate you
Forget you..or alone, leave you
I listen to the falling rain
To the calls of those in pain
I seek a sign, from those
who with you disagree
On your slab of sacrifice were slain
as they plea
It’s impossible for me
To tell you, or you to see
And my heart, from you to set free
From the mountains or the mighty sea
I’m chained, never able to flee
As you have awaken the freak in me
So yes, go on..walk out on me
You were not the first,
but the last shall be

Part IV. The verdict
My heart has been sealed
And locked to be panelized
To experience love, it, I prevent
For loving you, it’s criminalized
Stranger I shall remain, lonely
And constantly agonized
For no one should uncover this freak
Not the romans nor even the greek
As I surf alone in this bloody creek
Distend to be sealed, and never speak
For the moment love has made me sneak
A look at this world that we call unique
To be stabbed, with constant streak
All I wanted was…to be a no more freak
But the falling blood tears, from my eyes
will always leak
So yes..go ahead..walk out on me
You were not the first……
But I promise….
You will be the last

AAA 5/29/06

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

On your day

You may be ugly
but your my angel
You may be dry
But in you i see a fountain
You may be lifeless
Yet your why I live
You may be bitter
To me your the sweetes
You may not have mercy
But I can only rest in your hands
You may have angered so many
But my heart is so attached
They may say harsh things about you
But you are always sweet in my heart
You may not be remembered in your birthday
But I've been waiting for this day
To tell you I love you, adore you, need you
Happy birthday Jordan,
without you,
I am not who I am

AAA 5/24/06

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Slipping away

I very honestly hesitates do much before writing this. Thats because it may send conflicting messages. However, I found that a fadfadah relieves the pressure that is building inside one's feelings or soul.

Many of us (if not all) claim that they control their lives when it comes to actions. They feel strong about themselves. They can swear to you that if they are find themselves in a specific situation, they would manage to take command of their ship, and sail to the safety of the shore. No need to be specific about what a situation may be, we all understand what it could be.

But how cananyone be sure that indeed they can control their ship? Have they been there? Have they gone through this route before? Experience plays a major part in the decision making when it comes to leading the ship through a thundurous storm and heavy rain, in total darkness of the night. We assume that we could easily do that based on our teachings, morals, and the fear of God. But until we specificallt are faced with such situation, how can anyone knows?

Many changes a person goes through in life. Many situations that will reflect on that person through the life course. But it takes time and actual struggle to build this strong person that can overcome such storm. It has nothing to do with age, not at all. A person could be.ummm 50 years old but if never faced with any storm wouldn't know how to deal with it. Exactly like engineering, what you learn at school (that means college), is very much different than real life engineering.

Hence, enter memories. yes memories. Those of you who seen the work of salvadore dali's "persistant of memories" understand very well that the mmories are the strongest component of a sucessful ship captain. These memories will remain, through the effect of time, and withstand all those materialistic components. They are the weapons and the tools that helps a person lead the ship. These memories don't follow the logic of science (unless you start inserting brain surgery factor into this matter).

Then suddenly, you find yourself alone in this ship, in the middle of total darkness, and heavy storm, seeking a light or any sign to help you captain this ship to safety. But all along, you don't know where to go. You have no cluse how to lead. You dig deeper in your mind seeking any help. And in your memories too looking for ways to study the matter, analyze it, and then perform the captainship you think you could. And if you don't find that, you look around for any other ship, and hope to God that the captain of the other ship is not as lost as you are, and maybe follow their lead.

All alone

Haven't been around alot lately. This is a poem I wrote today and hope that it finds a way to your hearts

All alone

Your touch is warm, as the candle next to me
But my heart is cold, as I wait alone…for you
I want to hold you, to feel you near me....
Deep within, I search for a sign, or a clue.

I am still alone.

I hear your voice in my head, a constant reminder
Feel the warmth in the air, it’s you who I desire
A ghost appears from the forest, is it you, oooh the fire
Then I realized, it can’t be you, maybe an outsider...

In this forest, I’m still alone

Nothing moves, no spark of life, not even a sound
So much emptiness, shadows, of the unknown
I sit alone all tired, against a tree that I found
Looking around for a sign, or a message on a stone

Left all alone

The wind started blowing, and the trees made such noise
Frightened, I got up running to all directions, scared
Screaming for you to hold me again, my heart it destroys
I am cold, from passion I’m naked, my insanity is declared

I am lifeless, for I’m still alone

I look at your picture, but all I get, is memories
A Shattered heart's stories, screaming loudly at me
As the night falls, and the rain falls like flurries
Down my face, I again get up, and my life I flee

Scared, I’m still alone

As the sky goes black, and the monsters of the night awaken
Turning my life miserable, constant agony, and sorrow
Could be I’m forgotten, and my soul is forsaken?
The tears running away, I wish I could see tomorrow

A constant reminder, I’m all alone

I hope to hear your voice, to lead me out of this
Or your gentle touch, against my weakened shoulder
Your face I wish for, and the sweet memories I miss
To bring me back from this nightmare, as I’m getting colder

But nothing I hear, just silence, as I realized the truth

Distend to be alone

AAA 5/20/06

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

You and only you

The wind blows wickedly strong
The moon is high.
Ashes fall like rain
From the blood stained sky.

The heart of the lion…amongst the desert sand
The moon above and the ground below
I shiver with emptiness beneath my cover
For you…..only you…could understand.

I stand alone, reflecting times that are gone
Before an audience of flaming sand
Out of the depths of these darkened wind
I cry unto you, ….for help.

You and I were so beautiful
While our time was cut short
It's hard to believe I'm so alone
And in these ashes I am standing without a sword.

I always knew…that I could fly
That in my dreams
I could take to the sky
You and only you, could hear these cries

But now I'm chained with a thousand chains
Each day, I awake, I awake alone
And my eternal hunger for you
Sucks out my little-remaining strength.

The world is so damn dark
It begins to rain
Every drop of blood in my vein
Tears me out, screaming of pain.

I can't believe I'm still alone
With sadness I watch, the vanishing throne
Forever upon the great stars of the night
You and only you, could help me fight

For no beauty has ever conquered
The lion’s heart
No, not even close
But I know, the moon never dies.

Bounded by those who I trust
Surrounded by those that understand
I'd hold you here always if I could
For I can still hear you singing to me.

The winds come again
The breeze is closer and closer
Must be you, and only you
I could finally ..............see your face.

AAA 5/1/06

Monday, May 01, 2006

Haunted for eternity

Over the past years, I devoloped myself to be a strong person. A person who could easily manipulate life course to direct it into his direction. A person who is able to withstand whatever comes his way. Pain, suffering, and joy, I was able to absorbe. Yet, like everyone else, I have this wicked nightmare that is haunting me for eternity.
This is a funny type of nightare. It's a nightmare that you tend to cry your heart out because of it, yet, you are so addicted to the pain that u feel angry upon waking up from such nightmare, wishing to jump back right in ur sleep, to re-live that nightmare over and over and over and over again.
I see myself sitting on top of this small hill, overlooking small vallies with shipherds and their sheep roaming the desert. A breeze is suddenly flowing from behind me. I reach with my right hand and grab a hold a handfull of sand, then pour it and watch this gbreeze taking small sand particles in it's direction. I then see myself laying on my back right at the sunset time. watching the stars appearing one after another in this beautifull dark skies. I'd feel that I'm in heaven. But wait a minute bo3bo3, youve seen this before. You've lived this before. Where is this place?
Then it ocurs to me. This is the same exact hill on the outskirts of 6abarboor in amman. This is home :cry: . This is heaven. But why r u in agony bo3bo3? Let go man, let go.
Suddenly, my heart takes over control and refuses to let go. Inner cries screams so loud, yet I'm the only one hearing them. Inner tears are flowing like rivers of blood, yest I'm the only one witnessing them. Misery, suddenly, has a new meaning to me. Agony is re-defined in my dictionary. Suffering seems reachable, finally. Wake up bo3bo3, wake up from this nightmare, get back to realty. My brain is screaming at my heart to let go. Let go for crying out loud.
Then my wicked doomed mind takes over, and forces me out from this nightmare. Damn u I say. Damn u oh wicked mind. Send me back to my nightmare. Send me back to my pain. Sweet pain that is. Let me feel this agonizing moments. Leave me alone I scream. Leave me alone, damn u.
Wished that I could jump back into my darkened nightmare. Wished to scream more and more. Wished to see those rivers of blood flowing again, for they are the only thing that leave me insnae. Damn sanity.
just a fadfadah, nothing more.