Twisted Soul

I was watching the movie "interview with a vampire" and got inspired to write this poem. this poem is not about the life of a vampire, but something close to, and hope that you find it ok.

As the raindrops hit my face
and as I stare at this world
Watching these dark clouds
life's mysteries unfold

Life is not for me to find
its secrets i seek no more
what Im looking for are answers
not of life, but of sweet death

My existence, death cant be called
nor to life I cant make claim
by God, alive, I was made
and by man, my death is named

exhausting out my life’s flesh
to satisfy his starvation call
then filling me with life again
though im not alive, not at all

survival and reality would be
better suited terms
for what would be a life
Except darkness will destroy

forced to walk in the shadow of evil
with few companions in the dark
and even they don’t cheer me
as Im forced to consume their hearts

this life is empty and is so dull
and lonely to the soul
for to find a friend I’d damn them
and thats too expensive of a toll

so forever I shall lonely wander
in the darkness and in the night
wishing for a second death
to take me in its might

AAA (Bo3Bo3) 1/30/2006

Stop

Sometimes, and when lots of things happen around you, things that you can explain and accept, and things that u can never explain nor accept, one needs a vacation. Vacation for the mind and soul. One needs to tell himself "stop, yes stop, forget all this, and take your mind awaaaaaaaaaay from such environment". Don't know if it will help or not, but do you feel so too? Overwhelmed with things in your life, that you scream for a stop sign somewhere, just to catch your breath and reflect or reanalyze the situation.

Stop. How can you creat such stop signs for you? Force you to stop, literally stop and don't think about it.

Yeah we hear lots of shrinks keep saying "will you have to think of a good place, or you need to take it one step at a time", or whatever they say to comfort their patients. But that ain't easy.
A stop sign is all I need once in a while just to sit down, relax, reflect, and analyze. But the life's routine is chasing me and I don't seem able to create such points in my life. Gotta run all the time. Time is money . No time for thinking the decision. No room for slackers. Life is a wheel, and you can't stop it, so you better be analyzing while it's going. ufffffffffffft

Stop. That’s all I need, for just few days, damn it, few days all i ask. But it ain't working at all. Thing after thing after another thing and then something, always chasing me and demanding quick response, or reaction.

Wouldn't be nice if you can stop the wheel, and escape to some place where you take your mind off, and install another mind that is free of duties, or previous emotions, or even any thoughts. Stress, after stress.

Stop, that’s all I look for these days.

At a crossroad

One of the worst thing I think about is to come at a cross-road and pick a route. I hate that. I really do. Marriage, job, moving, love, buying, selling, saying, and many many more things in our life that brings us to a full stop and demand from us to make the choice.At that instant, your whole life in the past, as well so many speculations overwhelm you with thoughts. What if....well, what if..... You keep saying that for so many hours calculating every step you have to take. It;s like playing chess, only chess is controlled by you (and your opponent), but life is controlled by the almighty.During such time, I get depressed so bad, and start going crazy in my thoughts. I start plugging in formulas in my mind to make sure that I make the best choice. Especially when you have a family to drag with you. Any wrong step or move, and you'll be haunted with the guilty feeling for long time. Such feeling will for sure depress you, and where is Prozac when you need it.What do we want? Damn it what is it? If I live in this routine life, I complain about the lack of action. If I get the action and would have to step up to the plate and make the decision that will affect me and my family, I start complaining too. Damn it, where is that bottle of prozac I got the other day.
If only life was simple, but with a little touch of excitement. Naaa, what am I saying? That’s bad. Actions and excitement is what makes life worth living. No pain, no gain. You gotta live some days where you feel that the you will have to make the most important decision in your life.
Or maybe it’s just because I live in ohio, the land of moonshine (200 proof home made liquor that will make your stomach scream begging you for drinking sulfuric acid instead) and that all ohians are crazy like scared of decisions?

I still have you in my dream

Fallen shadows of my dream
kiss my mind at night, as I scream.
I can feel your touch and it feels so right.
If you have my heart, just hold it tight,

I never want to slip away, or even fade.
Take a journey to my soul, give it a shade
Take a journey into me, I know it’s uneasy
Twisted visions scrambled with erotic ecstasy.

Am I dreaming of you or your just a fantacy.
Can this be true…….. is it a reality.
Come into my world and dance with me
Let me touch you, love you endlessly.

I've learned to cope with this empty feeling
it is of you that I am always dreaming
As pathetic as it look or seems........
I still hold you close to me in my dreams

You give the chance, and I will show you
That love is what my heart always brew
And over and over again, I will make you
Reach the stars, yes my love is true

But when I awake the dream is over
And day after day I grow colder and colder
And though you were with me, and we all were free
I still have part of you that is everything to me

As pathetic as it look or seems.....
I still have all of you in my dreams

So you think you figured out love

So you think you figured out what is love. Really, you do? I don’t. I keep hearing so many definitions..and and … and classifications of this thing called love. So confusing and so theorotical definitions. They tell you that you know you are in love when you feel an increase in heart beat, or or maybe some weird feeling inside your body. I am having hard time believing that.
Love is when you feel that you can not simply live if that person doesn’t exist. Naaa, that’s bologna.
Maybe love is when you feel so happy and joyful around someone. Again naaaaa, can’t buy that.
Many poets sung the love stories, and supposedly romeo and juliet, or 3antar w3ablah, or 3adnaan walina (the cartoon) would give us hints on what is love. Come on Bo3Bo3, those plays or stories are simply a reflection of how the author thinks about love.
What is love (baby don’t hurt me no more, courtesy Nasnas)? There are somethings that happen when love is around that are unexplainable. Love doesn’t follow the laws of physics, nor they follow the laws of common sense. Yes, you read it right, “common sense”. Love doesn’t follow that. It just happens. And don’t you try to sell me this thing about chemical reactions, no, I refuse to accept that. Love just happens. Why, how, and where, and even to whom? No one can explains it. How many girls loved their teachers? How many boys loved women who were older than them, and LOOL these women were actually married. I remember the time when I loved our neighbors wife. I was maybe about 16. Morahaqah u said? I don’t care what u call it. It was sweet feelings.
Sometimes we end up loving people that we never imagined we would. That’s because love is uncontrollable. It just happens.
So you think you figured out Love? Something goes inside you that you can not explain. It just happens, not following any rules. True that in the end you can control how this love is gonna affect the future, but you simply can not explain how it started.

And for you, I have this poem:

The Impossible Love

Tell me,about love, how does it happen
It tortures the heart, and it’s wounds it deepens
Nights and days of suffering, how it all started
Simple feelings just filled the heart and never departed

I do nothing, just waiting for the explanation
If I could only understand this infatuation
But deep inside of me, I know that my sensation
Is gonna die, but not before it causes my heart mutation

If I could cross the seas and the oceans
Just to be able to express my true emotions
If I could neglect all the rules of man
Just to hold you so close to me, wish I can

But it’s only wishes that will never come true
For you know it just like I do
For now, we can only enjoy this magic
Of love, that will die so tragic

I’ll cherish the moments with you in my mind
Today my love for you is alive and is blind
Until destiny decides to hold the sword high above
And then send the blow that will end this love

AAA (Bo3Bo3) 1/18/2006

Seek the truth no more

We are trained to search for the truth, at a very early age. You asked mom or dad "yo pops, mom, how did I come to this life" and they answered you "tomorrow you'll know". They know the truth, yet, they want you to go through the "correct" process when searching for the truth. In school, university, and even in life, you spend so much of your time searching for the truth.

By the time you finish college, you will be trained so darn good on how to seek and search for the truth. True love, true life, true future, true feelings, and all sort of true stuff.

Then you get married, and now you have a job. .............. and the search stops. It stops I tell ya. You have found the answers for so many things in life, from true love, to true feelings to true "present". That is it.

What do you mean that is it? well, it's just that is it. No more searching. No more seeking. Now you just find a place in this routine life and do the same everything day in and day out. Now you just have to spend time till your day comes. You start telling yourself "I have found my true me, my true love, my true job, my true God (or no God), my true....hummmm...my true "life".

Is this what I was trained all my early years for? This is it? It was fun when I had to search and seek, and research again for the truth. Life meant something back then. My mind was eager to find answers. Eager to find a true love. Eager to find out about God. Now I have found all what I was searching for. Now all i do is go to work in the morning, and go home in the evening. Only to enjoy life for a couple of hours by spending time with my true love, or reading a book, or what have u.

Is this is it? It can not be. It shouldn't be. Challenges are what give a taste to this life. Happiness is a great goal, but if it was without sorrow and sadness, it has no taste. Money is great, but if you don't go through hardships, it won't taste as great. Health is really good, but if you don't go throw sickness and pain, it would mean nothing. But those were physical aspects. What about the brain?

Yes what about the brain, and the soul. I seek challenges for the brain and the soul, yet I can not find any. My brain is seeking answers no more. My soul has settled out for the true God, and it is not accepting anything short of that.

Life is funny somehow. You climb Mount Everest, the greatest mount, and you go through hardship to get up there, and you finally reach your destination. Now what?

The soul and the mind strives on challenges, and if you don't have any, you should find some, because if you don't, you will be just another worker in the animal kingdom, going to work every day, in this killing routine.

don't know how to find challenges for the mind and soul.

Screams

Where do I begin. hummmmm, lets see.
I sometimes that there is a scream inside of me that is not heard by anyone else. I can hear my screams. They are deep within, and locked by my doomed mind. You see, my mind has way too much control over my innerself (and maybe all of us the same).
My soul goes through an agonizing process, where, u can scream, but no one can her u. You can be baaaaaaaaad boy, but keep it within. You can be evil, but u better look good on the outside. Always, this struggle and agonizing war is in flames inside of me. So far, it seems that the mind is in control and the armies of common sense and logic are winning, but not a decisive win. I can sense the forces of wickedness, and evilness, and even weird feelings, are gathering their troops and waging small wars inside.
Somehow, you manage to draw this beautiful smile on your face, and this..this..well this perfect laugh. Yet, deep inside of you, no one can hear your cries. Don't blame them, but blame the mind, indeed.
How can you numb the brain, so the forces of the revolution inside of you can come out, just for few moments, just for damn few moments. I wish there is another way other than a bottle of conjak or 3arag. I wish there is a better way.
I wanna scream at so many things, so many damn things, but I can not. No it's not the chemicals I deal with. Rules, rules, rules, red lines, then rules again that are acting as a big wall preventing my innerself from screaming what it really wants to scream about. Do I have to drink alcohol to have some kind of breach at these walls so my innerself can come out for few moments? I'm not willing to do that, never ever again.
Then how can I satisfy the desires, and come out? One of these days, i wanna come out and tell exactly how I feel about life, politics, social, behaviors, love, yes love, and so many other things that are kept in this deep well, and hidden behind this nice looking charming mask I am forced to wear?
How can you come out? the joy and the laughter that may accompany such "coming out" is so damn...whats the word I'm looking for..yes..so damn "innocent" and so damn "real". But why would u wanna ruin a nice painting that has nice looking background, and trees, and ..and children playing and a small boat in the far distance, now why would u wanna ruin that for a simple few moments of "coming out"? Is it worth it? damn yes. Can u do it? damn no.

Is democracy good for us?

"what is the true definition of democracy".

So, we keep demanding and asking for democracy. Do we really need democracy? Do we like "the rule of the majority"? Or there are certain guidelines or rules that dictates this democracy?

If a company asked it's employees to decide on how much the raise is to be in their sallaries, many will demand 20%. If they did that, will there be any company?

If the majority of the passengers of a cruise ship wanted to go to Argentina through a storm, they maybe no ship few days later. If the majority wanted to install ben laden as the president of Saudi Arabia, there maybe no Saudi Arabia few months later.

So, there must be lines that dictate how much democracy can we have, right?

Here comes the dilemma. What control these lines? Religion? Morals? Common sense? Well, the dilemma is that we don't even agree on these terms.

Who's religion? Islam? I would agree, but lots of seculars and Christians (and even some muslims) wouldn’t.

What morals? My western affected morals or the morals of a conservative Jordanian (or any nationality) that looks at me with a :re: look when I say statements like "$hit happens". Or when they even give me the same look when I claim that it is ok for a man and a woman, strangers, sit in a restaurant, talking about anything.

What common sense? That when I see a man and a woman kissing behind some wall, that I should scream and gather the crowd around them? Or simply make a small noise to let them know I am present so they can either stop or go somewhere else?

Democracy is a failure (I think) because it has to be controlled by guidelines, and because the guidelines are different from one religion, tradition, or race to another.

What do u think? :???:

From deep within

Out of all typs of pain I endured, one pain I am yet to adapt to. I had kidney stones, lower back pain, car accidents injuries, fights injuries, I say I had almost all, but one pain that I am yet to learn how to over come. That pain is because by one simple cause, it’s the pain of home sickness and my love to Jordan.

How can overcome such misery? Every damn day I have Jordan on the back of my mind. I hooked my laptop to my tv so I can watch Jordan TV. I look for anything that is made in Jordan when I shop for groceries. I mentions Jordan every time I talk about the beautiful things in my life, and I the same time, the worst pain I live through.

They say that ghorbah is dangerous, and every year you stay away from home, it becomes more difficult to go back one day. It's like a small seed you plant, and every day, the roots get deeper and deeper into the ground that it becomes difficult to rip the tree off the ground once it becomes a tree. I fear that pretty much. I had to leave Jordan when I was 7 years old (thanks dad) to the uae, and then came straight after high school to the states. I was deprived from living my childhood years in Jordan, and I am deprived to live my best years too.

Every time some of my friends go to visit Jordan, I get depressed for few days. And every time they come back, I get depressed too. Do I sound sissy? I don’t give a damn, seriously I don’t. I consider myself to be anti depression as I always look for fun things to do and say. I manage to make so many people around me laugh. Yet, from deep inside of me, there is this little child that screams day and night “take me home bo3bo3, take me home, damn u”

Here comes the hardest part. “why don’t u simply pack and leave bo3bo3?” LOOOOOOOOOOOOL sounds so easy, but he who has his fingers in water is not like the one who’s fingers in fire. Yes it ain’t easy no more when you have a family to lead into the safe shore. Family and job are like the shackles that holds you to the ground. Imagine you are drowning in the sea and you move your hands so hard to rise up to the surface so you can breath, yet you can not because your legs are tied to the bottom of the lake.

How the hell do you cope with such pain? I have no idea. Please don’t anyone tell me “just go home every year for vacation. I would, if I have money, damn money. I never like money, but now I wish I have lots of it, or maybe enough of it just to buy tickets and go to Jordan evey year.

Oh well, as they say in hillbilly ohio, “###t happens”

Children's Toys

The eid is knocking on the doors. This past eid, bought junior some toys that included cars, action figures, and u know, dinosaurs’ figures. Just like a normal dad would do to a normal son. He is 4 years old now.
After the eid, we had a gathering, guys gathering. a couple of doctors, an engineer, and a manager, and so on. They started talking about the toys they got for their sons (some how, they didn’t mention anything about their daughters, ma3aleena).
One doctor bought his son (I think his son is 7) a scientific encyclopedia for children along with some "science projects for kids" kits. The other doctor bought his 3 years old son a "how to build a ropbot' kit that involves lots of work and lots of thinking. All dads described the toys and how science oriented they are. Then came my turn "so what did u get junior this past eid?" one asked.
Hummm, I looked him straigh in the eyes and sayd "cars and figures". The manager dude asked me "oh, u mean "building kits" where u build cars and airplanes?".
Hummm, I looked him straight in the eyes again and said, "no, just regular battery controlled cars and plastic figures".
They all became quiet, and some how I felt as if I was gonna be the main attraction for the rest of the evening. I told them "look guys, I just don't want junior no living his childhood, and kids like toys not science projects"
"but these are toys that will help your son become smarter and science oriented person at an early age".
That ticked me off. I don't want him to be an inventor or a robotic engineer. Well, let me draw that back, actually, I would love it if he became that, but not on the expense of his childhood joy. I want him to run, make a mess, act stupid, chase girls, dirty his clothes and the carpet, and I want him do the butterfly on the snow that is on our front yard. When he grows older, then he becomes whatever he becomes, but for God sake, he is only 4. What goes in the mind of a 4 years old boy trying to build a model plane, while looking outside his window and sees other kids having a snowball fight?
I think many parents are making a big mistake by overwhelming their little children with "nerd" toys thinking that this will produce a doctor or a scientist. Newton was an idiot when growing up, wasn't he?
I just want junior to be normal kid, just normal. Not stupid, and not too smart. There will be more days to come inshalla where I get the chance to talk to him about science and math, but for now, I just want to see him running in the yard and dirty his cloths while playing with his cars and dinosaurs.

So this coming Eid, he wants this nice big hummer car, like almost half of his length, and is chargable and radio controlled (not expencive, around $70). And that he shall get inshalla.

After Christmass Sale

You know, guys are supposed to me guys, and you may have heard the term "it’s a guy thing" many times. I always believed that shopping is for women. Spending hours in the mall screening sales, and new clothes is never a guy thing. When a guy goes to the mall, he would directly go toward sears or bestbuy to check the new power tools, and big screen tv’s. On occasions, he would stand for like 30 minutes in front of this big screen TV just imagining how beautiful his living room would look with the addition of this TV to it. And how lovely it is when he is watching the superbowl or the Roseball football matches while sitting with his friends.

So I was married for 5 years, and over the past years, I found myself slipping into the women’s dark world of shopping. Lately, I’ve been spending hours in the mall, going to GAP for kids, and screening through the 50% and clearance sale racks of women’s cloths. I never imagined that I’ll be this weak, but realty hurts, doesn’t it.

This past weekend, I went to the mall, alone, at 800 am, while the wife and junior were asleep. I went directly to the women’s cloths, and fought my way through a sea of hungry for clearance women. Many of them looked at me a weird look, as if they were wondering "is this guy lost? Does he know that this is women’s cloths? Is he a cross-dresser?". I didn’t care, I just wanted to buy women’s cloth, it is the clearance season, right after Christmas.

Rack after rack, I drove my way through the sea of all women and not one man, except bo3bo3. I even fought with a woman for a nice beautiful jacket. She was looking at it, and I was waiting to jump on it the minute she puts it back. Well, she did put it back, and yes I did jump on it like a hungry wolf jumping on a lamb. She looked at me and said "I’m not done looking at it" but I said "it was on the rack, not in your hands" and turned away and kept moving while she said "what a jerk". Like I care anyway. The cjaket was so damn beautiful, and until now, I don’t even know what was it’s size, I just wanted it it, it looks good on my sister.

By the end of the day, I spent $380, and bought so many things. Heck, I got a $40 shirt for $1.78, that’s over 95% sale. Damn it, look at me, I even sound like a woman talking about what a deal it was. What’s wrong with me? Maybe it is time to visit my shrink again.