Monday, May 01, 2006

Haunted for eternity

Over the past years, I devoloped myself to be a strong person. A person who could easily manipulate life course to direct it into his direction. A person who is able to withstand whatever comes his way. Pain, suffering, and joy, I was able to absorbe. Yet, like everyone else, I have this wicked nightmare that is haunting me for eternity.
This is a funny type of nightare. It's a nightmare that you tend to cry your heart out because of it, yet, you are so addicted to the pain that u feel angry upon waking up from such nightmare, wishing to jump back right in ur sleep, to re-live that nightmare over and over and over and over again.
I see myself sitting on top of this small hill, overlooking small vallies with shipherds and their sheep roaming the desert. A breeze is suddenly flowing from behind me. I reach with my right hand and grab a hold a handfull of sand, then pour it and watch this gbreeze taking small sand particles in it's direction. I then see myself laying on my back right at the sunset time. watching the stars appearing one after another in this beautifull dark skies. I'd feel that I'm in heaven. But wait a minute bo3bo3, youve seen this before. You've lived this before. Where is this place?
Then it ocurs to me. This is the same exact hill on the outskirts of 6abarboor in amman. This is home :cry: . This is heaven. But why r u in agony bo3bo3? Let go man, let go.
Suddenly, my heart takes over control and refuses to let go. Inner cries screams so loud, yet I'm the only one hearing them. Inner tears are flowing like rivers of blood, yest I'm the only one witnessing them. Misery, suddenly, has a new meaning to me. Agony is re-defined in my dictionary. Suffering seems reachable, finally. Wake up bo3bo3, wake up from this nightmare, get back to realty. My brain is screaming at my heart to let go. Let go for crying out loud.
Then my wicked doomed mind takes over, and forces me out from this nightmare. Damn u I say. Damn u oh wicked mind. Send me back to my nightmare. Send me back to my pain. Sweet pain that is. Let me feel this agonizing moments. Leave me alone I scream. Leave me alone, damn u.
Wished that I could jump back into my darkened nightmare. Wished to scream more and more. Wished to see those rivers of blood flowing again, for they are the only thing that leave me insnae. Damn sanity.
just a fadfadah, nothing more.


Khalidah said...

I know exactly how you feel Bo3Bo3

This was a touching piece ... no place like home!

Abu Anan said...

I too know exactly the feeling.

The other day my friend was taking me to the hospital because I had fever, and on the way I felt like I'm in the streets of Amman. I even recognized some buildings in Madina Str. and other places. But when I realized it wasn't true I cried.

They thought the tears was some kind of fever effect. But the truth was that my heart was crying before my eyes!

yel3an abu elghorbeh!

Dozz said...

i got goosebumps reading that...
inshaAllah u'll be back home soon.

Bo3Bo3 said...

Thanks all for reading. I am sure that we all encounter such nightmare, and quite frankly, I wish to live in such nightmare for long long long time, for how sweet it is.

nano1120 said...

i guess i should reconsider the job offer abroad then if this is how i'm gonna feel..

Thanks bo3bo3 & allah y3eenakom jamee3an..

Anonymous said...

eventhough i have never been away form home, but i was able to live that feeling of being away from all the lovely things that you have back home through your incredible way of writing!!

actually i live in 6abarbour, but i havent seen it as an outstanding place before reading what you wrote stopped me and made me re-think of what home really means and that its such a great blessing form god that i live near to all the nice,lovely places and people in my life..

hope you will be back soon! keep it up you will be here will live it feel it and enjoy it :-)


Anonymous said...

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