Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Coping with the past

Hummm...ok...let me try and gather my thoughts here. It's all about the past. No matter how hard we try to escape it, it keeps "haunting" us constantly. I am a person who is having a hard time escaping the past. I understand that the past is essential to have a future of course. But I sometimes I wish I could turn the switch off on it somehow.

Every day passed, is saved somehow in your memory. You can't just delete it. Wish I could. But how can someone at least block it from the constant haunting? How can you pick and choose what to remember, when to remember, and how long should you remember any incident?

I am a firm believer that the past, with it's goodnes and evil, with it's light and darkness, with it's sad and happy, with anything and it's "anti thing" is like a house. You can't simply take parts of it, and say, lock it not to be ever seen again.

I am a weak man, and I'm sure many are, if not all men are. Sometimes, a thought haunts me from the past and I start hearing voices. Don;t panic, not the kind of voices that makes a mother drwon her 4 kids. But voices of people that I may have hurt intentially. Voices of matters that I have given up on like drinking. Voices of the child in me ....was me I should say. Voices of a land that I have left 20 years ago and wanting me back. Voices of a smile that I once had frequently, but hardly now. Voices and voices everywhere I look.

I try not to be isolated. I try to be around people to keep those voices from haunting me. Some of those voices are asking me "why did you do this" and some voices are telling me "come back to me, you need me".

This is silly. I mean I am an educated man (don't mind the village language that I speak). I have a decent job that is very exciting and challenging. How can I talk about such silly voices. But I kid you not, them damn voices are around me even as I am writing those words. Sometimes I wish that I was never been. Or maybe that I am about to expire. Them voices gets to you after a while. This is not a typical bathroo thought, but rather like a realty show. I wish I can pull the plug on those voices. I never meant to hurt. I never meant to leave my land. I never meant to be who I am today, or whom I was yesterday. It just happened. I guess hallucination can hit anyone, regardless if they are educated or not...even if they were bald headed jordanian dude. So execuse me for a moment as I have to fight off some more voices. Yep.....Bo3Bo3 has gone insane...or maybe he was already insane.


Islamic ChoCoHoLic said...

They say il faaat maat :S i dont think so.... the past always find a way to come back at bite you in the.. :S FACE :)

so... get ear plugs hehe

tayib those voice bi7koo 2orduni wala ENjleeezi? haha

bo3bo3 i think we all have voices in our head i think. Dont we all have imaginary bagaras too? lol

btw i mentioned u in one post

Diana said...

well, I once read that the only way to get rid of these negative thoughts and feelings about the past is to FORGIVE YOURSELF (and forgive others who hurt u). Forgiveness is the key to happiness. Once one admits his faults, that's a very good start, and is convinced that he deserves to be forgiven, let him forgive himself first, and ask God for forgiveness.

Some people say that this worked perfectly well, give it a shot :D

Bo3Bo3 said...

Crazy Dino :)
They all spoke with a one languge..walaw anna shakket fe wa7ad men.hom men 3ashayer el7wei6at :)

Yeah, I read that dream post. I have been a horor movie addict all my life, and yet, boogyman never showed up in my dreams....Maybe he is scared to show up.

I know what ur saying..but forgiveness ain't the solution. It's that guilty feeling, and nomatter how much you forgive yourself and others, chances are that this guilt feeling will haunt you always.

hasan said...

it has been a long time since i came here, but it seems you were away too :) it's good to know that you are still around and kicking

Genial said...

those are some real sincere true words u wrote,this is the first time i come across ur blog and this is the first post i read for you and it really got me thinking of those weird voices in my head and i bit they are in every1 else's too...
great writing =)

Anonymous said...

i try at all costs never to think about the past...too depressing...sad for loved ones who are gone...sad for oppurtunitys not taken...sad for my fleeting youth...good blog bo3bo3...glad ur back.

Mary said...

I feel that it is so overwhelming at times that I can not deal with it. It overpowers me, so unfortunatly I self medicate to escape the hurt. I feel like my heart has melted away so I am truly saddened for any soul that feels this pain. The only thing I can say is to hang on and one day maybe someone can really help. But I must continue to keep going- and you must also.

Mary said...

(Tracie said)...I was depressed for a long time, but I've learned that I can't change the past and a lot of the things that were haunting me were not even my fault. The things I choose to do today can affect my future, so I decide to make each day better. Helping others helps me to feel better too. Keep surrounding yourself with good things and good people. Sooner or later the good things in your life start to out number the bad and those ghosts of the past look a little less threatening. Every day is a choice of how you decide to live it. At first it's hard to see past the fog, but take each day one step at a time, keep putting those good things in front of you and eventually you'll walk out of the fog and see the beautiful world you've been missing. Take it from this formily depressed, learning to be an optimist.