Reality bites you in the…..
As usual, I had a nice meal last night, and when this happens, it spells trouble. That meant that I needed to spend quality time in the bathroom, and when I do that, my mind starts wondering around and thinking in a way that scares me sometime. So, I asked myself “oh wicked self, what have you done for her lately?”. I panicked. I looked around and I saw no one. I heard the voice again saying “yeah you, what have you done for her lately?” I said “who’s her?” After few seconds, the answer came back in a sad voice “Jordan”
Then I realized that self is torturing me again with those wicked questions that make me look weak and bad. That’s when I started thinking (yeah I spend way too much time in the bathroom) about her. I know that so many of us are so darn good in talking and writing about home, and how noble this home is. I remembered after the amman bombings, how the whole country reacted to such terror. I could remember so many posts I read in the very few days right after the bombing. Heck, I always sing the song of yeah sure I miss the falafel and the crowded streets in amman, the fig sellers on the airport road, the gathering of family and loved ones, and would sing like whitney Houston (not that I recommend anyone to hear my singing, I suck big time) about love and passion using words that can only describe a sweet love story that is filled with lust, biut the question remained “what have you done for her lately”.
I for, myself, did nothing, absolutely nothing, beside talking. I wish I did actions instead of talking during the bombings. Or maybe demonstrated during Lebanon war. But I did nothing, and what adds more on such flames, is the fact that I know others did, not just spoke. Sometimes I try to convince myself with excuses that are built on a very weak base, that I didn’t have the chance. Didn’t have the time or maybe the access to do anything. But deep inside, I can hear myself telling me “what ……..do you think these are solid excuses? That’s when I get stuck and not be able to answer back.
I got jealous of the ones who did, not just spoke. “Resalatona” is a great example of that. Some people actually did, when I didn’t. Some went to danger zone during Lebanon, and I didn’t. Some gave up lots of money and time, when I barely did few dollars. Some demonstrated in the streets when I sat down behind a computer screen typing words that anyone could type, but very few could do. I wish I was one of those few, just to be able to look myself in the mirror and say “a job well done” instead of this blame game.
Crazy & random thoughts
8 years ago