Chapters from an immigrant's life, Part I, The departure

As I was growing up, I wanted to be a dentist. Don’t ask me how and why, it just a teenager dream. Wanted to go to great America and flourish there. Be the great one. Make difference in the world.

So the time has come. I am a young 17 ½ years old grown up man. Ready for challenges. “please dad, send me to the states, I won’t disappoint you” I begged my father. I remember going to the US embassy in abu dhabi. My dad was wearing his uniform. We applied for the visa and the time was for the interview is approaching.

Then I heard my name. My heart started pounding as if I won the greatest prize. “good morning major” the counselor greeted my dad. We went inside, and suddenly the interview started to look like a chit chat between the counselor and my dad about do you know flan and flan..etc.

I received my stamped passport and headed back to al-ain. The travel time from abu-dhabi to al-ain is about 2 hours (160 km). My dad was talking to me about his wasaya. Make us proud son. Don’t commit sins. Don’t do this and that….But my brain was thinking about America. The women and the alcohol and the nightclubs..I was so eager to get there. Pretty amazing what to expect from a teenager…but it’s the norm back then.

My mom was happy, and sad in the same time. I didn’t understand her mixed up feelings, but now I do. She was feeding me like there was no tomorrow. “mom..it’s ok..I’ll manage” I kept telling her. But she started to cook all the meals I loved. Now I understand.

Then my father got me the ticket to ohio. My flight was a week before my friends (two). Mom went crazy. “why are you doing this, you could have waited for another week so he can go with his friends” she kept screaming. I didn’t understand her fears. My brain was still thinking of the whiskey and women. Dad insisted that I go alone. I didn’t understand why..but now I do.

On the day of the flight, I remember that there was what looked like a funeral in my house. Little sisters crying..brothers crying..Mom screaming, yet, I can remember the sharp “feelingless” looks in my dad’s eyes. I didn’t understand why..but now I do.

As I was walking away, actually being dragged by my father, to the car. Mom was sitting on the ground in front of our home in al-ain crying. Sisters around her crying too. Then suddenly, I shed a couple of tears that I didn’t even know why..but now I do.

My dad drove me to the airport, and I managed to look back and take one final look at mom. God I love her. During the 2 hour drive to abu-dhabi airport, my dad didn’t say one word. Not one word. I can still see the sharp look at his eyes. I started wondering why didn’t he cry too. I mean everyone was crying, except him. Heck, I even cried for no reason, but he didn’t. I didn’t know why…but now I do.

My dad shook my hand and said “allah ma3ak” and turned his back on me and kept going. I kept looking hoping to see him look back, and he never did. Again, I didn’t know why..but now I do.

I went through security in the airport, and straight to the duty free shop. I made sure that my dad wasn’t watching me, then bought 2 cartons of Marlboro light and a bottle of whiskey. The funny thing is I wasn’t a drinker..but again..my mind was crazy enough to buy it for the heck of it. I do have a crazy mind, and I do recon that. I didn’t know why..but I really know now.

The flight was long. I stopped in London, then straight to NY. From NY, I missed my flight so I stayed in a hotel somewhere close to Laguardia. I called home from the hotel, and my mom was crying now more because of me missing the flight. Dad took the phone and told me what to do. I could hear mom saying “dayya3t elwalad allah ysam7ak” which translates to “we have lost our child because of you”.

I was still ok…”feelingless”, with two cartons of Marlboro light and a bottle of whiskey. I took the bottle out, and decided to take a sip. I am a grown man now, so I need to act like onw. It was one sip…and yucky, threw away the bottle. I couldn’t understand how people drink that…but now I do.

The next morning, I arrived at Cleveland airport. Straight to the hotel, then called my contact there, who happened to be one of my dad’s friends children studying in the states.

The next few days, I started feeling the homesickness. It wasn’t bad…but my brain was busy planning for my conquer of america’s women and nightclubs.

To be continued

Once upon a time in amman's international airport

I posted this a year ago in regards to my last summer trip to amman. Then I read http://summers57.blogspot.com/2006/09/blogging-from-amman.html post, and it triggered emotions in me that I wanted to share my experience last summer.

Not knowing what to expect or how it would feel like, I went through the gate (gate 56 in detroit airport) to the royal jordanian flight to amman. As soon as I got to my seat, my heart was pounding. I kept calming myself down that I'm not in amman yet, but somehow, I felt as if the plane was an extention of mother land, my beloved jordan.
I sat down, and closed my eyes because I sensed a moment of sadness and was worried that someone may see a tear drop here or there coming of a bald headed middle aged man. I started imagining who's gonna be in the airport waiting for me. Heart started pounding faster, and I knew that I wouldn't be able to resist my tears. I then calmed myself down, specially after this man sat next to me in the flight. He was a jordanian who is studying in the states, mybe 28 or 30 doing his pHd in industrial engineering.
The plane moved and the captain (3reegat was his name) informed us about the take off procedure and conditions.
The plane speed up and suddenly, I was on the air on my way home. Home, sweet home, ya tora what does it look like these days? Will I see my family very soon? well, it looks like it anyway, so calm down bo3bo3, calm down, only 12 hours that separate you from where your heart and soul are eager to be in peace.
I couldn't sleep in the plane, while the man next to me slept like a baby, lucky him, he visits jordan yearly, so he doesn't have that anticipation that I'm feeling.
Two seats away, this woman who is trying to comfort her baby, who kept crying. I felt bad for her. There was a kid (maybe 2 or 3 years old) who kept playing around, and the "modeefeh" begged him to move and sit down. The mother didn't like it, thinking that she owns the plane. Boy on a normal situation, I would thought of breaking the window and throw him and his mom off the plane, but today was a special day in bo3bo3's life. So no evil thoughts or wicked feelings are to be thought about today.
Then I say the shore lines of palestine, and my heart pounded faster. I could see cities and villages. Then the dead sea appeared and with it, my body had goosbumps and my heart felt as it was beating so slow that I panicked. The plane is dessending and I see the airport. We landed. I quickly covered my face because I was feeling a joy I never felt before for a long time. People rushed to get out, and I waited. My legs were shaking.
Then i got out. For the first time in 5 years, I am walking on a jordanian soil. I walked faster and faster. I starred at every face I saw, I was just happy. Then got to the money exchange booth and got my visa. I sat dopwn underneath a sign that said "No smoking" and started smoking. Heck, three other guys (airport workers) were also smoking in the same area.
I then went to get my luggage. An airport worker tried to steal my labtop, but I caught him. he looked at me as if there was nothing wrong, and moved on his way. I got the luggage, and went straight to customs.
"fee ma3ak eshi yetjamrak" a dude asked me and I replied "no". He then said "tfaddal akhooy".
Then I saw my dad. The old man waived both his hands to me and I smiled back. I worked so hard to overcome the tears in my eyes, last thing I want is him seeing me crying. I then saw my wife and my son. Suddenly, I felt in heaven. Dad, wife, and son all at once? If Mom was there, it would've been the real heaven.
Hugged my dad, then wife, and held junior. He started speaking arabic to me and I was even more joyfull.
On the road, dad was giving me a tour of "share3 elma6ar". There is gasr elsnoober. There is that big house on top of the hill that dad says it was transformed to like a restaurant or something. I see people on the sides of the road selling figs, grapes, and watermellon. There on the left side a ra3i with his sheep. I had a big smile on my face, while my heart was crying so hard. I just didn't believe what I'm seeing. Is it really me in amman? I mean wow, finally, I;m in amman?
A dear friend of mine whom I love and a dore, told me that "wa6an is where your family is" I dissagree with her 100%. You can take family anywhere in the world, but can you take what composes a wa6an? bayya3 elteen is part of that wa6an. bayya3 elba66eekh is too. Elkashrah is essential. the falafel, shawarma, ro3yan elghanam, zamameer elseyyarat, and many many more things that make up this wa6an.
Take all those parts, and move them somewhere else, and then, only then, I'll agree that wa6an is moveble.
Wa6an, what a sweet word, that we seem to fail to fully understand. It's not the flag or the piece of property you own. Wa6an is a house that is built on so many corners and stones. Take one out, and the base of this house will start detoriorating.

Meaningless Illusions

There are things that we are told about..and go through life to lern that they may mean something different than what we were told. I guess life is a long session class that full of tests and reading..or should i say learning material.

Hope.....hope is something that we were told is a strive to be someone..or somewhere. To alwyas keep that small window in ur secluded isolated space, open, and even if it was small, still should be enough to show u the light that u r eager to see, to drive ur soul to pursue life. Or is it a fake principle that we use it as a drug to numb our feelings...or reactions, and deceive them into believing that a person can go through a small 20 by 20 cm.

Life....is something that we should value so much. Live it, and enjoy it to the best as we can while maintaining some kind of connection with God. To make sure that we lead this life into making good and obstaining from evil. Or is it something that doesn't belong to us, and at any moment in time, the almighty would take it from us so easily.

Future...is a glimps of where we wanna be or how we wanna look. To always prepare for it, and work to make it a bright one, not a gloomy future. To always strive for strengethening it with materialistic objects and things. Or is it a closed door that no one knows whats gonna come out, once the door is opened.I.....I am me, the way i wanna be, and the way i want others to view me. I look for me, to strengthening me, and to take care of me. Having the greatest job, and the greatest materialitiics goods. I look for me to be the one and only entity that is on top of the world. I wanna be good, noo i mean the best and want people to respect me. Or is it I am how others view me, regardless of how i view me.

Happiness.....we're told that the golden prize, the goal, actually, the mother of all goals. No life is complete without it. It comes from people. You make them happy, and in exchange, they make ur goal of happiness so easily reachable. Or is it.....an ilusion that we'll never reach as we always strive for a happier state. On ocasions, we see it so far away, and we keep chasing it, and when we come so close, we discover that it is nothing but a mirag.

Darkness...They told us is a domain that is full of evil and wicked life. Vampires and satanic worshippers. One should always stay in the light to be able to see the clear road, into salvation. Darkness is a cover that would hide whats behind it. Or is it a world that is so beautifull where everything is the same and everyone is alike.

lonliness....It's the soul killer. It drives a person to a depression mode, where he/she is prevented from expressing love, hate, appreciation, to another soul. It opens up the gates of wicked desires, where the person is in great need for someone to talk to, or someone to listen to. Or is it a state when we finally are alone, investigating own, and trying to figure out own.

sadness....Is the feeling of despair and misery. When you live an agonizing moment for a smile is what u wish for. If it was allowed in your life, it will bring about all pain and suffering that are the needed fuel for the rivers of tears to flow. Or is it a way to appreciate happiness and makes you strive and look for that happy moment in your life.

Love...........just a chemical reaction that goes in your body. It is a result of a happy moment with that someone that you would wish to die, if he/she doesn't exist in ur life. That someone that u wait so eagerly by the phone awaiting to hear his/her voice, in a time that you are in most need for such a call. It's the candle that lights the road to your future of building a family, and living that life of yours with that sweet someone. It's when you suddenly lose any desire to eat, sleep, or feeling good, if that someone is away from you, or...simply not available. Or is it the curse that hits you on a very young age and makes live a darkened life for you never knew that your first love will never last. Leaving you with .....a life that u wish it ends somehow.

Hate.....Is the greatest sin of all. It brings misery to your life, and darkens your heart for you wish to avenge that lover who left you, or that killer who distroyed your life. It creeps on you slowely, and never departs your heart. Or is it your true reaction toward someone or an incident, and should be looked at as pure as love itself.

Memories......bad bad bad...unless they are wonderfull memories that keeps reminding you with sweet ocasions and lovely incidents. It is needed to build up your personality, and makes who you are today. They are part of your life, even if gone in the past, still, they are what may bring smile on ur face while sitting down sipping coffee remembering a dad that departed to the other life, or a child's smile that caught your attention, or a beautifull face that brought some good feelings to your soul. Or is it the knife that keeps stabbing your heart for you are not able to let go of past incidents.

Life is a beautifull class..only if we manage to study good for such great science.

Sin keeps creeping on me

Sometimes, admitting the guilt puts a relief on the soul. On occasions, I practice this habit, to ease up my pain. Many times I sinned before, and each time I say, no more, I find the sin creeping back at me.

So yes, I am sorry to say that I am a weak man. Very weak. I’ll tell the story, and many may never speak to me again, but that’s the price I have to pay, in order to heal the soul.

Not too long ago, I was walking on some street. Then suddenly, I saw her. So beautiful, so sweet, so…ummm..so amazing. I tried to resist, knowing that this is something I shouldn’t do. I knew it was wrong, and against my belief. Yet, I simply couldn’t resist the lust that was building inside of me. I know that some of you (if not all) will say “but bo3bo3, how could u? it is wrong”. I seriously know, and understand. But I am a man after all, and a man has his weaknesses when faced with such seduction. I’d like to see you in my place, what could’ve you done.

I got her, and quickly walked back to my hotel room. As soon as I got in the room, I couldn’t wait or resist. I got her naked very quickly. I know that some stopped reading at this point, but, I have to get it out of my system. She was laying naked, right there in front of me. Legs so sweet and tender. Breast that is magical. Tanned, as if she was in the sun all day. Oh God, I just sat there looking at her, while she was seducing me more.

Then I had to do it. I jumped on her, with my mouth all over her. I wanted her, all of her. God what a night it was. That was one sweet baked tender juicy chicken I had in my life, although I promised never to have someone like her, but as I said, I am a weak man. I had her all. Every part of her body. Everything, and I sat there, afterwards, singing the blues for the crime I have done. I shall never do it again.

Will I ever do that again? I hope not. I hate her kind. I never liked her kind at all, but she managed to seduce me beyond the point of…ummm..withstanding. Yes, I have sinned again.

Arab politics?

There is always this struggle inside us, between the desire to see our final goal finally become realty, and between realty. Every time there is any leader that screams off the top of his long “feath to Israel, gather around me arabs” we start chanting “go33333 yasamak alba7r”. That is normal I think. It’s because we are so eager foe anyone to lift us from this miserable situation we are in. The feeling of dismay and loss. We see our societies drown and we see our Arabism, Islamism, or whateveralism always in a state of ..ummm..a sate of…lets call it for now, in the bottom of the food chain. So yes, we naturally react with fever. However, once the blood rivers stop flowing, each one of us goes home to his/her normal life awaiting the second victim so we can go at it once again. That’s one side of the coin.

The other side is our realization of what is realty. We make fun of people who tell us that we should calculate our actions. We should realize the current map of the middle east, and based on it, we should carefully calculate our actions. Then the bombardments of “traitor, 3ameel, motakhathel, ….” Start falling on us like the bombs over south Lebanon.

What is the right course to take? Call for jihadests and start the journey toward the borders of Israel armed with “shabasheb and stones”? Or carefully calculate the current situation? To me, I see it a lose lose situation. You could be called “an idiot who will bring about catastrophe on the land” like nasrallah. Or u could be called “traitor.

I remember yesterday when I was sitting with my wife, reading articles on alarabiya website, and exactly like any typical arab family, we started debating the situation. She felt that this is our chance to eliminate Israel and gather behind nasrallah. I did expect that from her, as she is a very emotional when reacting to news from Lebanon. Me on the other hand, I like calculating (typical engineer). I reminded her with saddam and how Jordanians chanted “belkeemawi yasaddam…” And where are we now?

Call me traitor but I won’t fall again for the typical arab behavior. I will not chant “othrob Yafa yansarallah, othrob dakheelo allah”. Just as I believed that the 1973 war was a fake war to give us “camp david” and just as I believed that saddam’s wars were to give the Americans a foot in the arab peninsula, and again, just as I believed that the intifada gave us Oslo, I also believe that the current war is to force a peace solution on the area that include Lebanon and gaza. Coming soon near u, the final solution for the “Palestinian statehood” and a new Lebanon where we’ll have 25,000 Nato soldiers protecting the northern borders of Israel. Once this happens, we will be in a long “peace for Israel” situation, thanks to our heros, hamas, nasrallah, and the great mastermind, saddam hussain.
Thanks for reading.

Phantom of Shame

Well...I've been trying to write a poem for some time now. It;s been too long since i did. I wrote a poem maybe a year ago, called "Leave me alone". It meant so much to me. I don't know if I posted it here or not. I'll check and maybe post it, as this blog of mine is becoming my only plave where I preserve any poetry of mine. So anyway, being stuck between 4 walls, spells linliness to me. Now, I know my wicked brain. It becomes very active during moments of lonliness and I feel some how controlled by this freak inside of me. Next thing, I see myself unintentially starting to write. I never knew I could write poems. I mean come on, a chemical engineer nerd...doesn't click, right. Well, it took me long time to figure out that I have a feel for writing...specially gothic poetry.

So, anyway, this is my latest gothic poem after a long time of waiting for it to evolve.


I don't know why I feel
The way that I do now.
Confused, lost in emotions
Never wondered how

Once upon a time,
I was an innocent man
But now, no forgiveness
Eternal burning as hell began.

I'm reaching out into a world
I can no longer see.
Eager to one day meet the man
I used to know as me.

As death points to me
Throws me in darkness,
Comforts my angry soul
Never realized I’m so lifeless

Urging me to be calm
Guiding me through the road.
I cannot see any light
Emotions eager to explode

This freak stands all alone,
Staring through eyes of dark.
Wondering whats to be done
Or what to even embark

Ooooh this life of mine
I used to know so well,
The trail of my existence
has turned into a hell.

I'm lost in my curse of mortality,
I'm overwhelmed by my tears,
I'm falling from this unholy sky
As my soul is filled with fears.

The wickedness deep inside me,
Isolated in this black hole,
I'm searching for an end to this,
For they truly control my soul.

I wish the demon departs my mind,
Torturing me beyond any mending.
I know that this can only be possible,
By bring my life to an ending.

Hidden behind that mask,
I am a burning flame,
Disguises cannot forever last,
But I am the phantom....of shame.

AAA 7/9/06

Arabic dancing in wedding

Ok so all those of us who went to weddings, a mixed weddings, saw women dancing. Or those women who went to a seperated wedding, still saw women dance in front of ther women. So lets agree that there is a dance during weddings.

Now, the way dancing is defind in our culture, is specific moves involving the body. Meaning, there is a way to move the body to display some kind of dance. Call it wa7dah w noss or call it arabic dance, the fact remains that the body moves. Without any more elaboration, we all know what is the specific part of the body that moves the most.

I don't know what is the orignation of arabic dance but I would bet that it was derived from the time and era of the "hareem" for the main purpose of entertaining their master, who is of course, a man.

Yet, and through the years, dancing has evolved to be a thing that is done not for the one master. There are night clubs showing women dancers moving their bodies in a way that, we all hope to agree on, entertains the man. To be more specific in this, it's the sexual entertainment, and of course before u hold on ur swords and knock off my head, it is the sexual entertainment that sex is not involved.

Hence, and since most of us agree that the moves of the women's body is aimed to entertain men, why do women dance? What is the pleasure that they et from dancing? Is it just an excercise as many women try to tell us? Is it just an act of social gathering? What is it. Because frankly, when I see women dance, i get entertained. Don't get me wrong, I don't mean I develop any wicked thoughts in my mind. But I get entertained, thats all.
Should women dancing be considered an act of degrading to women? They move their body in a way that is ...ummmm...well u know.

We keep arguing about the era of hareem and how we hate it (I don't ), yet we love one act that was derived from that era, and that is dancing.
Am I expressing my views here? No not really, I am just displaying the circumstances and trying to tackle this phenomena of dancing.
Some times u ask a woman, would u dance in public? and she says no way, I only dance in front of other women, or my husband. Hummmm, why in front of the husband? Is it because there are some moves during the dance that are considered "inflamatory" toward the sexual desires?


And no, this is not like dabkah, there is nothing that inflames the sexual desires in dabka, unless....ok lets not go there, not yet at least.
Yes, a lonely man in a room surrounded by 4 walls can develop wicked thoughts, t7ammalooni for 2 more weeks and then things should go back to normal.

Say you love me...thats all I ask of you

3 months ago, I watched "The phantom of the opera" movie, and was glued to the TV with nothing but love toward the movie. I was hoping that my wife wouldn't see me like that so I sneaked to the living room TV to watch the movie while she was watching her arabic channels. I felt something strange while watching the movie. I found myself moving with emotions and eyes reacting so magically with the screen and the music of the movie. When it was done, i decided not to share my feelings with anyone, fearing the u know look "hummmm bo3bo3, r u turning soft on us?". You know, a bo3bo3 has only his reputation, and that is the scary freaky ugly monster who scares kids and adults, so yes, my reputation was on the line.

Then I moved to indiana, and my heart was itching me to rent the movie and watch it again. I tried to resist, but I really wanted to live that screen and beautiful music. Music such as "All I ask of you" and "the music of the night" just grabbs me and glues my eyes and ears to the TV. Look at me, I am doing it allover again.

So anyway, i decided to get the movie, and watched and watched...and then watched.

I somehow devoloped this love for the mask. I view the mask as being an art. I don't talk about the physical mask, but the imaginary one that we wear. Maybe thats why I was mmmm how do i say this without messing up my evil reputation?...mmmm well thats why I was attaracted to the movie. The story, the music, the agony, the torture, Love, beauty, sweetness of the inside, all of thise were attributes of this movie that just knocked me off my feet.

So what is wrong with me? I gotta keep an eye on my macho manhood label. How can I listen to ziplins, metallica white snake, black sabath, and then...then...then watch the phantom of the opera? Oh but it was so damn beautiful, so please understand what I am going through...."Thats all I ask of you"

This is "thats all i ask of you" song, sung by Raul and Christine

RAOUL
No more talk of darkness,
Forget these wide-eyed fears.
I'm here,
nothing can harm you -
my words will warm
and calm you.
Let me be your freedom,
let daylight dry -your tears.
I'm here, with you,
beside you, to guard you
and to guide you . . .

CHRISTINE
Say you love me
every waking moment,
turn my head
with talk of summer time . . .
Say you need me
with you,
now and always . . .
promise me that all
you say is true -
that's all I askof you . . .

RAOUL
Let me be your shelter,
let mebe your light.
You're safe
No-one will find you
your fears are
far behind you . . .

CHRISTINE
All I want is freedom,
a world with no more night . . .
and you always beside me
to hold me and to hide me . . .

RAOUL
Then say you'll share with me
one love, one lifetime . . .
Iet me lead you
from your solitude . . .
Say you need me
with you
here, beside you . . .
anywhere you go,
let me go too -
Christine,
that's all I ask of you . . .

CHRISTINE
Say you'll share with
me one love, one lifetime . . .
say the word
and I will follow you . . .

BOTH
Share each day with
me, each night, each morning . . .

CHRISTINE
Say you love me . . .

RAOUL
You know I do . . .

BOTH
Love me -that's all I ask of you . . .
Anywhere you golet me go too . . .
Love me -that's all I ask of you . .

CHRISTINE
I must go -they'll wonder where I am . . .wait for me, Raoul!

RAOUL
Christine, I love you!

I am famous now

I gotta share this with u. Last week I got a message from someone who said bema ma3naah that there is a school project aiming at showing the dangers of the internet and how it can be a bad influence on kids, and they wanted my permission to use some of things I wrote and pictures i posted to show that. LOOL...yes LOOL was my reaction realizing that now I am famous and teachers want to use me or what i write or post to show kids that the net is bad.
Ya3ni true that my dad told me always I will be a loser, but wow, to be known is the flirt and the bad example of the net, is by far, surpased my expectations.
Not mad at all loool but just laughing at my dad's words when I was a trouble maker kid, and how somethings are becoming realty.
have u ever wondered that people misstook who u r? That some don't know u well enough and they have totally different views about u?
Sometimes I wish I can open up and show some of my good face attributes, but seem to fail every time i try. For once, I wanna feel that I leave good impression on someone, anyone, and for once I wanna feel that people know how good of a person i am. loool not working.
It's like u are called something, and u keep fighting it and fighting those who call u that, then u lose the battle, and somehow start believing that u could be wrong. Yes u could be what they call u, only u don't realize it. they say that other people are ur mirror, if u wanna know who u are, ask them how they see u. If u can't beat them, join them...i guess.

Oh Jordan

These days, summer time, this is the time of the year..when birds go back to the tree where they were at some point in time, an egg before hatching. Time when the geese fly home, time when the salmon wsim upstream to their birth site, time when the lust for birthplace is so strong. This is the time where jordanians go home, to see family, see the land they were born in. It's the time where amman streets are so busy, with the good souls of faithfull ones who went back home.
It is also time when those who couldn't make it back, to sit and sing the blues while getting drunk on the haunting memories of childhood. With pain that is intolorable tearing their inside out. So much hurting that thunderous storms ruining their souls constantly while calling home and hearing that so and so just went home from england, italy, saudiarabia, uae, and many other countries. So I decide to write this poem, and I doubt I could reply back to any comment. Thanks for reading.


Oh Jordan, what have I, to myself, done
This nightmare, when will it ever be gone?
This curse of mine, agony, a firing gun
Oh Jordan, have mercy on your beloved son

In my nights, as darkness sharpens it’s teeth
Preparing to slaughter, the knife is out of it’s sheath
Holding me down, to my throat it seek
Teasing my heart, to it, refusing to speak

Come on already, I beg of you to set me free
Take it from it’s misery, just let it be
Strike me, with will and mighty, to you I plea
As I watch that land, far away, across the sea

Only if I could fly, across the sea, through air
To the land that resides in my nightmare
To my loved ones, those for them I care
To touch the sand, not a moment I would spare

To see the night skies, and stars as they dance
To see the hills, of Amman, even a short glance
To feel the warmth of it’s wind, singing the song
Of my childhood, as I close my eyes, and sing along

Oh Jordan, it’s me, crying for your long waited love
In this domain of darkness, of you, I will always think of
I need you to sneak me out from my misery, I’m so weak
Hear my screams, of agony, I suddenly can’t speak

Will this nightmare ever end, or from my life disappear?
Wish it go away, not to ever come back, for it I fear
Sadly I realize that this is my destiny, it, to me so clear
From this cursed domain, I, my life, can never away steer

As I seek that corner, yes right there, realizing my doom
Bowing my head down, as I cry alone, isolated in my room
Letting that creature, agonizing me, and my heart, consume
With tears of sorrow, oh Jordan, I’m a prisoner of my own gloom

AAA 6/28/06

I will always love you forever

I wanna share with you a poem that I wrote to my wife yesterday, and hope that it finds a heart to like it.

I can glimpse the sunset
in your lovely eyes.
To me, you are a treasure
or special prize.
Although we have been distantand
and far apart.
Your love always live
within my heart.

I hope to see you
…..very soon.
To see your beauty
like the shining moon.
And when the day comes
to see you again.
My heart will shine
with no longer pain.

I know that often
it seems like I don't care.
But our bond is strong
that we have to share.
So believe me when I say
I promise… I'll always be there.

I’ll always be that someone
You will always lean on.
I will always be the hand
that, to it, you will hold on.
For we share that perfect love
that can never be bought or thrown.

And I hope this relationship
will never ever end.
To have the perfect life
I would, with you, spend.
I wish I wouldn't hide
the way I always do.
so all I have to always say
“I’ll, forever, love you”

AAA 6/25/06

A night in Chicago

I am a sucker for italian food. So as I was sitting in the hotel, one of my cowrokers called me for dinner. I told him the previous night that I heard of an italian restaurant called "toscany" in chicago's little italy. To my ruprise, we went there, invited by another three guys attending the same conference. As if the guys wanted to surprise me.

Now, there were no waitresses, all italian guys with heavy accent. We sat down, and out waiter came to us. His name was Sahul (pronounced sha-hol). He started by bringing bread, and roasted garlic, dipped in olive oil. He smoshed the garlic, added oil, and spread it on the bread and handed it out to us. He looked like the soup nazi from sinfield, wasn't smiling. We couldn't say no, because he was mkasher, and the garlic just smelled so nice.

Then I took him a side, and said "sahul, I heard that u guys make the best veal parmasian in the world, and it's not on the menue, and I'd like to try it) he starred at me, and said "you got it, I'll make it myself". he leaned to me, and kissed me on both cheeks, and said "are you sure your not italian?" because it seems that this a special dish that only few customers know about it. the guys were impressed with the whole thing. he then brought a bottle of wine, and said "you guys will buy this". Of course no one said no. they drank, and I didn't. Sahul didn't like me not drinking, but the veal parmasian was enough to cool his anger.

He brought me the parmasian, and some pasta on the side, and some fried calamary as well as tommatos covered with cream cheese and olives on the side. I didn't ask for that, but he brought it khawa.

To say the least, this was the best veal parmasian I ever ate in my life, with all sincerity. I ate like there is no tomorrow. It was a great dinner. I was bothered wth the smell of wine, but managed to overcome it with more garlic.

I then went to the bar to smoke my marlboro there. Sahul followed me and sat with me. I was worried that he has some intentions.He asked me "how did I hear about Tuscany's veal parmasian. I told him that an italian friend from indianapolise told me about it. He said "you have a good friend, because we don't make it to all, and it's not on the menue". We chatted for few minutes, enough to know he is a sicilian immigrated here 8 years ago and has 3 daughters.

I went back to the table, and Sahul brought me a frozen lemen ice. It was a lemon, emptied from everything, then italian icecream stuffed in it, and frozen.

I never been happy that much in a restaurant in my life. True that the bill was $270, but I felt so good there, specially that I didn't pay.So next time, when you guys go to chicago, get a cab and tell the driver to take you to Tuscany restaurante' in little italy in chicago (on west tayler street), and ask for Sahul, an old man with a thick hair and a mostach, and then ask for veal parmasian (not on the menue), you will be in heaven on earth. Check the pictures in the link provided here.

http://www.stefanirestaurants.com/tuscany.htm

666

ok..so I rushed out of work at 4 pm hoping to catch the 5 pm show near by. I was expecting some delays, but not like what I saw. The lines were long and traffic jam at the entrance of the mall. I was angry...I looked forward to seeing the movie tonight, but instead, went back to the room, and sat in isolation to punich myself for not being able to watch it, tonight.

I bet some are like me, have their own rituals when it comes to watching horror movies. The sound surround system, the lights off, the 2 candles lighting up the living room. Heck, I even kick my wife and junior out so I can hear every drop of sound in those movies. On ocasions, when the evil sneaks behind the scared girls who is trying to escape, and slowely approaching her, ahile she is screaming trying to open the jammed door, I say, on ocasions, I would jump scared, and then a big smile on my face screaming "yeah baby, thats damn good".

But tonight, I am misreable as I am deprived of the movie I was awaiting for on this day. Instead, i scroll through the darkside of the net trying to get a kick of any thoughts from any of the great members of that side to express their feelings about today.

aaaah what a sad day. So much for practicing the spell...so much for the ritual...aaas so much for the excitement.

So i call on the demons of the dark side of the web, come to my rescue..oh creatures of the night, come to me, I am awaiting on fire for your coming. Share with me the night. Share with me the ritual and the sacrifice. Let there be no sunlight before I feed my desires. If i could just go out now, seek a victim, insert my thirsty teeth into her neck, and feed on her life. Death does bring about life, so where are you. Lead me to the promissed state of mind. feed my lust to the flesh of the weak, and the blood of the mortals. I command you to seek me and to follow me to the feeding grounds.

ok ok bo3bo3 i see that the movie is affecting your state of mind, easy buddy, calm down, tomorrow is another day, and rest assured that a victim shall be yours in no time.

Momy..I'm gonna leave you, please don't cry

As she was busy all night preparing her suitcases and papers, her eyes were flowing a river of tears. The whole house was doomy like. Nothing but sadness. "Please don't leave us" her mom was begging the little girl not to leave. Dad was trying so hard to hide his tears, yet, all who were in the house felt the pressure inside him that wants to explode. But he had to remain calm...at least one has to be firm in this.
Morning came, and as the little girl was ready to ride the taxi to the train station, she looked back at mom....who was still in agony that her little sweet girl is leaving her... I say she looked at her, and ran back to give her mom one last hug before leaving....and looked her in the eyes and said
"I'm leaving today.
Mom, please don't cry.
I'll be back soon.
Wipe the tears from your eyes.

I'm leaving you Mom.
I am on my own.
Yes, it is scary Momy.
Never been away from home.

I'm leaving Momy.
I'm a big girl now.
I will miss you
But it's life, somehow.

I'm leaving ...Momy.
Please don't be sad.
You're the best mother
Anyone could have..."

I know that times like these are harsh on poeple. Specially girls, who are so mature, yet, in the eyes of mom will always be that little girl. Boys too.
When I was 17 and a half, i was shipped to the states. I remember my Mom begging my father not to send me alone, and told him that bo3bo3 should wait for his friends who are going to states in 2 weeks. My dad was rough...I know he was rough..He pushed her (kindly) away and swore that bo3bo3 will go alone to the states. I cried (yes an 18 years old man does cry)...I was confused. I didn't know what I wanted. Dad pushed mom away and got a hold of my hands and dragged me to the car. Mom crying. Sisters crying Bo3Bo3 crying. But my dad had dry straight eyes. Took me in the car, and I watched my mom sitting on the sandy ground in alain, UAE crying like someone who just lost a famimly member to death. Dad pushed me through the gate of abu dhabi airport, and walked away. I looked at him, but all I could see is his back walking away from me.
17 years later.....I know that my dad must have been crying on the 2 houre drive back to the house. I know he did...I am sure he did.Times like these, when little girls and little boys mature and it's time to fly away to reach the stars, or become someone out there. Time to pursue life. Time to see the world. Times like these are so harsh on all sides of the equation, the X's, the Y's and the constants. I can never forget that day...Learned two things from them, Parents go through a hard time to let go those little kids in their eyes, and number 2 I learned that these actions by parents do create who we are, how strong we could be, and how we would approach life.

How was your departure away from home?

The music and me

Ok I hope I'm not wierd....or is it too late? oh well.

I looooove music so much, maybe more than loving cooking on a weekend and mastering the art of creating exotic food. So, anyway, I love music. What kind of music you asked? will this is the wierdness in me. Here it goes.

I could be listening to my favorite group, Ambrosia, and specially the song "How much I feel" and would be floating on air. Not realizing that I am melted in this creative music style. Then suddenly, I would insert a CD for santana and go crazy on "Europa" and actually act like an idiot and pretend to play the guitar and move my fingers as if I was controling the guitar. On many ocasions, I would listen to my favorite classical collection, specially "the four seasons-my favorite is spring, whats yours?". Yanni, Metallica, Guns and roses, Lionel richie, deep purple, elron john, and many other artists have songs on one CD in my car. Flipping from one style to another in the same CD. Add on top of that, the great Miles Davis (specially sletch of spain). I just love music, pretty bad I guess.

I found a haven in music. You could actually get high (not that I recommend it at all...the getting high part) while listening to music. Following the notes, the trend, and the transition between them. No wonder I love Majda elroumy to death..and was happy that she got divorced, maybe she'll look at her number one fan finally. Ok I now sound like a majda maniac. Well....I am.

Or when listening to Jim Croce while singing Operator or time in a bottle. And to make matters worst, I adore Andrea Bocilli, eventhough I don't understand italian, but dudes and dudetts, this guy can take you from one world to another with a simple tone in his voice. My favorite is "Con tu Amor" in the CD Sentimento. Heck I love that whole CD.

Led Zippelin, White snake and Abdelmajeed Abdallah are part of my confusing world of music. I just love it...thats all.

Take me to the stairs of heaven, nowwwwww.

Time does pause, it's true

So as some of you may know that I have accepted a new job 2 months ago. This meant that I have to relocate. Hence, I had to leave my family behind (wife and son) in ohio while I move to indianapolis. Two months passed by so far, and finally our house in ohio is sold. In the same time, I am searching a new home here in indianapolis, and thanks to the internet, I can get with my wife on line and screen through the pages of homes that our agent sends to us daily.

I say two months passed by...and frankly, i felt time did stop on me. Stuck in a hotel all this time and for more time to come till my family moves with me here. There are things I learned from this process and it may help others there...maybe anyway.

I learned the value of family...my wife and my beloved son. Not being able to see them for long times..two weeks each time, made me realize their importance in my life. True I always valued them, but in the past 2 months, I discovered that their value in my life by far surpasses any expectation in my mind. It's not about the food or playing with bo3bo3 junior in the yard, or dining out all together as a family. But rather, it was about their simple presence. It's about seeing their faces every day. Talking to them. Sharing with them. On a typical rough day at work, I used to walk through the door, see my wife, and sit down. Her touch on my shoulder may not have meant alot to me back then, but now, I die to feel her hand comforting me after a rough day at work. Coffee, even though it's made the same way it used to be, but it lacks her hand handing me the cup with the most beautifull smile I seen in my life. I miss those times when junior asks me silly questions..and I would spend some time playing with him. His dinasurs, toy cars, and his coloring is what I miss the most. Ghorbah after a ghorbah is taking a toll on me.

I also learned that sacrifices are big in strengthening the family.All three of us did sacrify, for a better life and a better career in the future. We had to do this to improve our situation, financially as well is career. A single person may not understand these feelings, but when they get involved in creating a family and leading it through life hassles, they'll learn the importance of sacrifice. Making tough decisions, while planning for a better future.

I learned that life is not always smiling at us. Sometimes, things will look so harsh, so pale, yet, with a smile from our side, we can turn it around. Always thinking of the future does help. Giving up on early trials, or simply fearing change, will get us no where. This is the first time I go through such major change, and now I appreciate my parents when they had to do that. I remember my dad left us in jordan for 2 years and went to the UAE to work there. Then we followed him, an now I do realize what they had to do, for our sake.

I am a very happy person in my career and I excell so fast that surprises my bosses, and satisfies them. But I feel the price I am paying is a heafty one and heavy on the soul as well as the mind. However, I have my family's future in my radar and I'm always keeping an eye on it. We hate it now, but 3 months from now, when the wheel of time starts rolling again, we'll appreciate it as a one whole family.

So yes, time does stop......but it rolls back again if we hold on stronger.

Thanks for reading

Go on..walk out on me

I wrote this poem during my drive back to indiana. Hope someone may like it out there.

Go on..walk out on me

Part I. The past
Have I told you yet?
That I loved you
Have I showed you yet?
What your loveReally meant to me
With every step I takeI see you
With every breath I takeI feel you
Have I told you yet?
I wish I was a poet
To express my feeling
I wish I was an ill soul
To seek your healing
I wish I was a book
That you are reading
To tell you how I feel
Have I told you yet?
Something in your eyes
Something in your smile
Something in your voice
I haven’t told you yet
Have I?

Part II. The stab
A thousand knifes
No…NoA million cuts
No..not even that
A constant burning
In a flaming fire
You watched me burn
A persistent bleeding
On the slab of sacrifice
You watched me knealing
I could see your eyes
Staring at me
Feeling your grieving
Yet
Your hand never stopped
Slaughtering me
You rested your hand
On my forehead
I felt the warmth
After fearing to be dead
Your tears fell on my face
And, to you, I pled
Go ahead..walk out on me
You were never the first
But I promises
You shall be the last

Part III. The pain
I’d love to hate you
Forget you..or alone, leave you
I listen to the falling rain
To the calls of those in pain
I seek a sign, from those
who with you disagree
On your slab of sacrifice were slain
as they plea
It’s impossible for me
To tell you, or you to see
And my heart, from you to set free
From the mountains or the mighty sea
I’m chained, never able to flee
As you have awaken the freak in me
So yes, go on..walk out on me
You were not the first,
but the last shall be

Part IV. The verdict
My heart has been sealed
And locked to be panelized
To experience love, it, I prevent
For loving you, it’s criminalized
Stranger I shall remain, lonely
And constantly agonized
For no one should uncover this freak
Not the romans nor even the greek
As I surf alone in this bloody creek
Distend to be sealed, and never speak
For the moment love has made me sneak
A look at this world that we call unique
To be stabbed, with constant streak
All I wanted was…to be a no more freak
But the falling blood tears, from my eyes
will always leak
So yes..go ahead..walk out on me
You were not the first……
But I promise….
You will be the last

AAA 5/29/06

On your day

You may be ugly
but your my angel
You may be dry
But in you i see a fountain
You may be lifeless
Yet your why I live
You may be bitter
To me your the sweetes
You may not have mercy
But I can only rest in your hands
You may have angered so many
But my heart is so attached
They may say harsh things about you
But you are always sweet in my heart
You may not be remembered in your birthday
But I've been waiting for this day
To tell you I love you, adore you, need you
Happy birthday Jordan,
without you,
I am not who I am

AAA 5/24/06

Slipping away

I very honestly hesitates do much before writing this. Thats because it may send conflicting messages. However, I found that a fadfadah relieves the pressure that is building inside one's feelings or soul.

Many of us (if not all) claim that they control their lives when it comes to actions. They feel strong about themselves. They can swear to you that if they are find themselves in a specific situation, they would manage to take command of their ship, and sail to the safety of the shore. No need to be specific about what a situation may be, we all understand what it could be.

But how cananyone be sure that indeed they can control their ship? Have they been there? Have they gone through this route before? Experience plays a major part in the decision making when it comes to leading the ship through a thundurous storm and heavy rain, in total darkness of the night. We assume that we could easily do that based on our teachings, morals, and the fear of God. But until we specificallt are faced with such situation, how can anyone knows?

Many changes a person goes through in life. Many situations that will reflect on that person through the life course. But it takes time and actual struggle to build this strong person that can overcome such storm. It has nothing to do with age, not at all. A person could be.ummm 50 years old but if never faced with any storm wouldn't know how to deal with it. Exactly like engineering, what you learn at school (that means college), is very much different than real life engineering.

Hence, enter memories. yes memories. Those of you who seen the work of salvadore dali's "persistant of memories" understand very well that the mmories are the strongest component of a sucessful ship captain. These memories will remain, through the effect of time, and withstand all those materialistic components. They are the weapons and the tools that helps a person lead the ship. These memories don't follow the logic of science (unless you start inserting brain surgery factor into this matter).

Then suddenly, you find yourself alone in this ship, in the middle of total darkness, and heavy storm, seeking a light or any sign to help you captain this ship to safety. But all along, you don't know where to go. You have no cluse how to lead. You dig deeper in your mind seeking any help. And in your memories too looking for ways to study the matter, analyze it, and then perform the captainship you think you could. And if you don't find that, you look around for any other ship, and hope to God that the captain of the other ship is not as lost as you are, and maybe follow their lead.

All alone

Haven't been around alot lately. This is a poem I wrote today and hope that it finds a way to your hearts

All alone

Your touch is warm, as the candle next to me
But my heart is cold, as I wait alone…for you
I want to hold you, to feel you near me....
Deep within, I search for a sign, or a clue.

I am still alone.

I hear your voice in my head, a constant reminder
Feel the warmth in the air, it’s you who I desire
A ghost appears from the forest, is it you, oooh the fire
Then I realized, it can’t be you, maybe an outsider...

In this forest, I’m still alone

Nothing moves, no spark of life, not even a sound
So much emptiness, shadows, of the unknown
I sit alone all tired, against a tree that I found
Looking around for a sign, or a message on a stone

Left all alone

The wind started blowing, and the trees made such noise
Frightened, I got up running to all directions, scared
Screaming for you to hold me again, my heart it destroys
I am cold, from passion I’m naked, my insanity is declared

I am lifeless, for I’m still alone

I look at your picture, but all I get, is memories
A Shattered heart's stories, screaming loudly at me
As the night falls, and the rain falls like flurries
Down my face, I again get up, and my life I flee

Scared, I’m still alone

As the sky goes black, and the monsters of the night awaken
Turning my life miserable, constant agony, and sorrow
Could be I’m forgotten, and my soul is forsaken?
The tears running away, I wish I could see tomorrow

A constant reminder, I’m all alone

I hope to hear your voice, to lead me out of this
Or your gentle touch, against my weakened shoulder
Your face I wish for, and the sweet memories I miss
To bring me back from this nightmare, as I’m getting colder

But nothing I hear, just silence, as I realized the truth

Distend to be alone

AAA 5/20/06

You and only you

The wind blows wickedly strong
The moon is high.
Ashes fall like rain
From the blood stained sky.

The heart of the lion…amongst the desert sand
The moon above and the ground below
I shiver with emptiness beneath my cover
For you…..only you…could understand.

I stand alone, reflecting times that are gone
Before an audience of flaming sand
Out of the depths of these darkened wind
I cry unto you, ….for help.

You and I were so beautiful
While our time was cut short
It's hard to believe I'm so alone
And in these ashes I am standing without a sword.

I always knew…that I could fly
That in my dreams
I could take to the sky
You and only you, could hear these cries

But now I'm chained with a thousand chains
Each day, I awake, I awake alone
And my eternal hunger for you
Sucks out my little-remaining strength.

The world is so damn dark
It begins to rain
Every drop of blood in my vein
Tears me out, screaming of pain.

I can't believe I'm still alone
With sadness I watch, the vanishing throne
Forever upon the great stars of the night
You and only you, could help me fight

For no beauty has ever conquered
The lion’s heart
No, not even close
But I know, the moon never dies.

Bounded by those who I trust
Surrounded by those that understand
I'd hold you here always if I could
For I can still hear you singing to me.

The winds come again
The breeze is closer and closer
Must be you, and only you
I could finally ..............see your face.

AAA 5/1/06

Haunted for eternity

Over the past years, I devoloped myself to be a strong person. A person who could easily manipulate life course to direct it into his direction. A person who is able to withstand whatever comes his way. Pain, suffering, and joy, I was able to absorbe. Yet, like everyone else, I have this wicked nightmare that is haunting me for eternity.
This is a funny type of nightare. It's a nightmare that you tend to cry your heart out because of it, yet, you are so addicted to the pain that u feel angry upon waking up from such nightmare, wishing to jump back right in ur sleep, to re-live that nightmare over and over and over and over again.
I see myself sitting on top of this small hill, overlooking small vallies with shipherds and their sheep roaming the desert. A breeze is suddenly flowing from behind me. I reach with my right hand and grab a hold a handfull of sand, then pour it and watch this gbreeze taking small sand particles in it's direction. I then see myself laying on my back right at the sunset time. watching the stars appearing one after another in this beautifull dark skies. I'd feel that I'm in heaven. But wait a minute bo3bo3, youve seen this before. You've lived this before. Where is this place?
Then it ocurs to me. This is the same exact hill on the outskirts of 6abarboor in amman. This is home :cry: . This is heaven. But why r u in agony bo3bo3? Let go man, let go.
Suddenly, my heart takes over control and refuses to let go. Inner cries screams so loud, yet I'm the only one hearing them. Inner tears are flowing like rivers of blood, yest I'm the only one witnessing them. Misery, suddenly, has a new meaning to me. Agony is re-defined in my dictionary. Suffering seems reachable, finally. Wake up bo3bo3, wake up from this nightmare, get back to realty. My brain is screaming at my heart to let go. Let go for crying out loud.
Then my wicked doomed mind takes over, and forces me out from this nightmare. Damn u I say. Damn u oh wicked mind. Send me back to my nightmare. Send me back to my pain. Sweet pain that is. Let me feel this agonizing moments. Leave me alone I scream. Leave me alone, damn u.
Wished that I could jump back into my darkened nightmare. Wished to scream more and more. Wished to see those rivers of blood flowing again, for they are the only thing that leave me insnae. Damn sanity.
just a fadfadah, nothing more.

Forgive me

I want to watch the sky with you
Scan the stars for lighting thoughts
Draw Pegasus in the clouds
Count the starts around the moon.

It will be warm with a little breeze
That draws us closer and closer.
The world will melt, and oceans freeze
so much life but time will cease.

We will know us
There would be no doubt.
Some ancient memory

We will wake us
Take us dreaming.
The curtain will rise

We will see us
In white light, then silently
Like leaves

We will hold us
Then will fall asleep
Honored and at ease.

Huh, wishful thinking.
While were sinking
In our misery
Thick dark cloud
Blocks out the sky
But I would crave
That edge of madness
That blissful fall.
Deaf, blind, and dumb
Hovering in mortality.

So like some bloody hunter
I stalk your footsteps
Right behind you unseen

Then suddenly
At a street corner
We will meet
Face to face
Heart to heart, And nose to nose
The doors will close
And we would be imprisoned by
Our suicidal love.

Forgive me for not reacting to
Those sweet, passionate eyes.
I could not afford the pain of your love.
For the sake of both our lives.

AAA 4/21/06

The concept of time?

everything has a begining and an end, then where is the begining and the end of a circle?
If the time concept has a starting point, and an end point, then why the start and the end point of a square are the same? are we to go back to the point of start? Then what?
What if you can sneak a look at the future, without time travel? Instein never said that you can't look into the future, but he did say that physically, you can never be in the future.

Some researchers look at the time concept as a wheel, and the fact that with the correct energy (theorotically), we can get out of this wheel (like quantom physics). But many researchers fail to relaize one thing.

Thats is :what is the concept of time? here is something to scratch the surface of this issue. Is time, the turning of this wheel (i.e. revolution of earth...) or it's something else?

Well, imagine that you stopeed this revolution, hence, the time is stuck now, say at 5 pm afternoon. Now, 20 years later, would you look the same as you do now? Keep in mind that we stopped the physical revolution of earth. Or you will look 20 years older? If the answer is the latter one, then time is being missunderstood. It's not the revolution of earth, but something that we don't understand, yet we feel, and live every day. It's something that you can not control.Think of it this way. To control time, it means that you will control all things that are assoicated with it, such as the day and nigh; and the aging process. Can u stop the aging process?

The blind heart.

The phone rings. Who could call at this time. Hello, I said. I could hear crying on the other side. Hello i said, again. She is still crying with a little hello she replied. "I hate bad news" I said to myself. Yes, who is there. She replied with her name. a name I could easily recognize. What happened now. Why the crying? Are you alright? I bombarded her with a question after another. Her reply was........."he is dead, 7ammoodeh is dead".

Suddenly, I felt conflicting emotions. Part of me was happy that he died, yet another part was sad. Before you judge me on such reaction, please walk with me in the past to see the roots of such emotions on my behalf.

This woman married some years ago. We know her, close friend of the family. Her first child was a beautifull boy, and she named him mohammad. He was adorable. Healthy. Always running around. Beautiful eyes, and a magical smile. At the age of about 18 months, he suffered a heat stroke, and his temperatures shot up high. He was taken to the emergency room, where he was treated. Sadly, it was too late as the stroke damaged his brain some how.

Since then, muhammad was acting differently. That child doesn't run anymore, and even, he can't sid down no more. Then his parents noticed the symptoms of damag of the brain. His mother was devistated with this. This was her prince, hopes, and pleasure. Now, all those dreams that she had for him, shattered like a cheap glass window.

She had a couple of more children afterwards. Both healthy, but muhammad kept her agony. She never lost hope, allthough we may all do.

11 years later, mohammad died. And I honestly felt happy. Time to move on. She suffered alot for her child. She never seem to loose hope. What hope? marriage? starting his own family? education? Yet, when many of us may loose hope, she never did.

Back to the present. I told her "sheddy 7eelek emm m7ammad, inshalla ra7meh, wkhalleeh yertaa7 weyrayye7" Thats when she got angry and I could tell that her crying got worse and worse. "but who told you that I was wishing for that, thats my son" she replied. I tried to explain to her that he is now in good hands, an angel in heavens, and that Allah has chosen that he departs. Still, she was crying as is she really had hopes. Oh no bo3bo3, who are you to judge her if she didn't have hopes. She lost her son, nomatter how brain damaged this child was, thats her son, her flesh and blood, 13 years of cinstant sacrifices on her behalf, where some of us may simply give up way too sooner.

Thats when I gave the phone to my wife hoping that she comforts her a little. Now I feel sad for emm m7ammad, for she is a mother who lost a child. period. a child, not a brain damaged child. Who am I to deprive her from the moment of sadness for the departure of her son, regardless of his mental health. Who am I?

Suddenly, I realized that I didn't fully understand the heart of a mother. When we see things, we tend to analyze matters based on materialistic things (in general). yet, the heart of a mother is blind. It only sees the flesh and the soul of the child that the mother held for 9 months inside her body. She cared for this baby. So who am I to deprive her from a normal reaction any mother would have. Thats when I realized I've done wrong for such emotions. This was muhammad, and whatever dreams and hopes she had for him, are as pure and legitemate as they can get.

The above was a true story that happened to me about 2 years ago, and the mother and the child are real. God bless your soul oh muhammad, and God bless the heart of this great mother. Nomatter how hard we try to describe it's greatness, we always come short to fully and fairly describing such heart.

The Blade of Trust

blood is falling down the wall
I've lost it all, yes again
my sanity has hit the floor
and my thoughts live agony and pain
I slip into the stain down the drain
to see the blade cut me loose
I am fallen , yet again


This is my underworld
overwhelmed with darkness
It's all I have
The shadows always come alive
and take the pain away
the sky splits, opens wide
and thunder is my only music
and i'm taken down my submission to the dead


Fall away , hide, fade
there’s nothing left of this mind
I’m getting closer and closer
to falling off the edge
my loneliness, is my only comfort
the voices, have started to stray
and I can feel fading away

can you help me out of this ?
can you wash away these years?
can you save me from this?
the pain, sarrow and all my fears........
can you see this dream i see?
can you shed blood tears, just like me
you wouldn't know this to be real
Can you save me……..
from the blade of trust

I have sinned

yep, I did. I stand in front of you all and seek forgiveness. I seek forgivenes from my wife and my son for I have sinned the big sin. But I also want to express my weakness, not to give myself an execuse or justification. Damn it, I have sinned.

I never thought I'll ever make such sin. I know that I am weak, and I know that I can cave in for pressure, but to commit the great sin, I never imagined myself doing so. So i stand before you, weak, naked from any mask or cover, and ashamed of what I did. Have I gone back in time, jut 2 days, i would have never sinned. But a weak bo3bo3 is typical in our days these days.

I have sinned, a sin that many of you would feel strong against. Yet, my macho manhood, or that "guy thing" song I keep singing failed me.

But before I tell you my sin, I ask all of you to not view me based on this sin, but to view me based on what you know me with. For a moment of weakness shouldn't be the basis of judgment.

I have sinned, forgive me all, specially my wife and my close ones. I declare that I have failed you, when you were looking at me to lead. I have failed you when you rely on me to stirr the ship. I have failed you when you have your total trust in me.

I have sinned, yes, I did. I am drinking a decafe coffee now after all those years of macho manhood of full thrust of cafien dose, so will you find it in ur hearts to forgive a weak soul, like this one?

What makes you more jordanian than me?

Recently, I read a post for hareega somewhere, about "who is a typical jordanian", that stirred up some emotions and feelings in me from prior experience.

You see, there are two facts here, one the fact that I'm orginally from palestine (granpa born in palestine, and dad in jordan). the second fact that I feel just as jordanian as any one else who can trace his/her ancestors to the land of jordan.

Now, why am I writing this? Well, some time ago, my jordanianism was questioned on the basis that my grandpa was born in palestine. That troubled me somehow, becuase many people missunderstand the name "jordanian".

So I turn the table around and ask "what makes you mkore jordanian more than me, him, or her?". Seriously

Does the fact that his grandpa was jordanian, makes him/her automatically jordanian?

Thats what lead me to this analysis that may back fire at me. We tend to take "jordanianism" for granted simply because my grandpa had sex with grandma in jordan, and taraaaaa, bo3bo3 is born a jordanian.

To me, one should question him/herself about this term "jordanian". It;s not a lable, but a responsibility. The respnsibility to love (for good and for bad) this land. To bare arms protecting it from the enemy. To participate in activities and actions that makes this land and it's people move forward. But to sit back, relaxed, and claim this honorable name, only on the basis of where grandpa was born?

I know that the majority of jordanian do realize this fact, but there seems to be a minority that assumes jordanianism onloy based on birth. We all know that nearly 50% of jordanians are of foreign origins, syrians, palestinians, and iraqi's. But do we know how many of them held arms defending this land, while their blood quinched the thirst of this land to honor, protect and serve?

Being a jordanian is not a gift or automatic assumption, but a label that comes with responsibility. And what more than blood would anyone gives to protect the land and it's people. So, what makes you jordanian more than me, him, or her? Everyone of us should ask this question, and attempt to answer it.

I tell ya one thing. I am a jordanian, and so is my dad, and for the very small minority that think otherwise, I challenge and ask "what makes you more jordanian than me?".

Unheard screams

why is white pure, and black is evil?
Light is good and darkness is wrong?

How do come to such conclusion? Isn't things are relative? oh well, thats not the point. The point here is all about darkness, blackness, and it's beauty.

For so many ages, darkness has been the target of criticism, and accusations. Evil is associated with darkness. Yet satan was created from fire.

aaaah, darkness..if only people could see how beautifull it is.

If we let our minds and imaginations seek it's beauty. Darkness ....unknown, hidden beneath the shadow of whatever is blocking the light. Each one of us has two creatures living within, the person that we see (flesh, and blood) and the shadow of him/her. I learned how to appreciate this shadow, and sometimes let it express itself, as long as it doesn't hurt the others. Wicked thoughts, we all carry. Deep personalities that are beneath the masks.

Do this excercise. Write down your thoughts, without screening them, seriously, without any limitations, and you'll be surprised of what you discover.

Darkness is beauty, but we chose not to see it.

A satanic worshipper, I'm not.
A darkened soul, yes I am
Seeking the beauty of the hidden treasures
of the soulm the mind, and the fantacy

A satanic worshipper, i shall never be
for my crime is only self expression
For beauty is not for the bright ones
but for the dark ones, it shall be

and the years may have tought me something, that many will refuse to even hear. and that is:

darkness arrives and then it fades,
running through this awfull maze,
am I lost will I soon be found
running barefoot on the ground
a twisted soul that cannot sleep
save me now for soon I’ll weep
can you hear me as I scream
save me from this awfull dream
as I wake I look around
and darkness still is all around



The candle light reflect upon the walls as I
Look up at my cieling at night.
I can feel the sorrows of my life
Creeping upon me once again.
Fillings of pain and agony from my old life
Depression and sufering taking over my new life.

Memories of the past wont leave my mind.
Pain and hate running again through my veins.
Scares and bruises remind me of the pain I once felt.
As I walk I can hear the chaines that hold me to this life of mine.

Its as if Im a prisoner,
Stuck here for all eternity.
Know what life brings
And I really want out.

All life gives is pain and suffering
For all to see. Revenge is what I seek.
My life has been getting harder The older I get.
The pain I feel is locked up inside.

The sadness in my life is easy to see When you look into my eyes.
All I ever hear is yelling and screaming.
I cant even tell right from wrong,
Do you see it in my eyes?

And so it begins

today is my first day in my new life/career. It didn't start nice. Sunday morning, I got up, gathered my things, suit case, books, and files, and loaded the car. Said goodbye to the woman I will never ever love anyone but her, and kissed junior a goodbye/see ya in 2 weeks kiss, and got in the car. The skies were sunny, but my skies were cloudy and gloomy. Today is the day.

Drove out quickly not looking back fearing a moment of weakness. I still managed to get a short look at my wife waiving her hands and I could see those small tears from a distance. Kept driving to my disteny. I normally smoke a half a pack a day, but the 5 hour drive made me consume a little over a pack.

The only bright side was when I got to indiana borderlines, and I saw that the speed limit is 70 mph. Pushed a little more on the gas to escape my thoughts.

Today is day one, and a new life shall be born. A new career. A new chapter in my greatest fear, lonlyness. Never liked being alone after I got married. The past 7 hours made me realize what value my wife has in my life.

I'm counting on sopranos to occupy my mind away from thinking of her. Her picture never departed my mind. A new chapter, and it shall bring out so many dark moments of my life, now that the greatest light is not around me at least for 2 weeks.

Life shall go on I guess.

Another dose of sopranos

First, let me apologize for not being able to post my review about the second episode of sopranos, simply because it was boring and was turning into a soap opera thingie. I mean come on. Tony is still in a comma, wife (carmella) is crying, kids crying, the whole mob is in a sad atmosphere. What is this? The bold and the beautifull? Come on already, and lets get to business. Geeeeeees.

Anyways, the third episode started and Tony is still in a comma. He is trying to wake up, but can’t. Two of the captains get a great deal. They chase this hespanic gang, and baaaam, they scavenge a million plus dollars. What a catch. They made a big mess of course, three gangsters dead.

They approach the acting boss, Tony’s right hand “Sel” and he orders them to split it half, and each has to give carmella 100K. They didn’t like it, but the boss had his saying. He himself was admitted to the hospital for breathing problems. Eyes are open, and the second guys in command are already talking about the life after Tony. What kind of pigs these guys are? Tony is still alive, can’t they see that?

More sadness, and more soap opera. Half way into this episode, and I’m already threatening to stop watching the sopranos. Lets get back to the good old days, more blood and more killing.

Anthony is demanding a screen writer to write a script about an idea of a movie in anthony’s mind. It’s about a mafia captain, who is killed, then he comes back from death and baaam, revenge time. Then a meeting of potential investors, who happen to be all mafia lords. The last thing mafia lords are good at, is being investors in the movie business.

Then came the good stuff. Pauly goes in and sees Tony. Tony’s daughter tells him to be positive, and the dude can not. He see’s tony and he goes crazy. Then he starts yacking and yacking. The machines in Tony’s room starts beebing, then nurses come running. Tony;s seem to get out of the comma. In his comma, he is dreaming that he is told that he is going home, but he has to let go of the suit case he is carrying. This seems to symbolizes that Tony is not able to let go of this comma situation.

Let go Tony, let it go. Time to go home. Tony is awake now, and the whole hospital is in joy (and so is bo3bo3). Although the two captains didn’t wanna give carmella the 200K, but now they have to, and they do. Tony is up, and he will be back next episode. Bottom line, Tony is back, and so is the great soprano’s show.

Did I mention to you guys and gals that I’m a chicken?

Ok, so hareega dared me to answer some questions, tough questions, and I gotta admit it, I am a chicken, not even a rooster, yep, just a plain old chicken. Dude, hareega, I have to chicken out, and this is not because I’m scared of the questions, but dude, I’m a married man, and married men in america do fear their wives. Right? Come on guys, say yes, don’t leave me hanging alone in the dark. Will someone please say "your right bo3bo3"? damn it, your no good guys.
Although I am a chicken in many occasions, but I love to flirt with the red lines, only with limitations. I think that there is an art for such actions, and correct me if I’m wrong.
For example, you can say things that are out of those lines, but you say them in the right manner. Manner like leaving the reader understand what your trying to say, but without leaving him/her with any proof that this is what you meant. Similar to the art of bala gafyeh. You always leave the reader convinced that you meant the "gafyeh part", yet, you didn’t give him/her a clear indication, or any criminating statement that may incriminate you.
I told you it’s an art, a wicked art it is.
So hareega dude, I confess, puck puck puckeeeeeeeek.

A lost chapter from the dark side

So there I was walking on a street called "colorado ave". I don’t know how I got here. I mean I have no recollection how I ended up on that street. "Where is my car" I started wondering. Couldn’t find it. So I kept walking and walking……and still walking. Then I saw this beautiful woman walking in the opposite direction. I starred at her, with blood boiling inside of my body. She smiled at me as she passed me. "That’s it" I said to my self. I stopped, turned around, and walked to her. "Hi there, my name is bo3bo3, do u mind if I walked with you?" I asked. She agreed.
We then walked together toward her place. Walked upstairs to her apartment. She opened the door, and we sat on the couch. I kept hearing those voices inside of my mind telling me to simply do it, just do it. Blood inside my veins is flowing very hard. I am sweating, for the lust inside of me is overwhelming my desires. She went to the kitchen to get a drink for herself, and I really wanted a drink. But my drink is different.
You can do it bo3bo3 I kept telling myself. She came back after she changed her cloths and got into a more comfortable cloths. Her skin was so beautiful, as if she just came back from the tanning booth. Her neck looked like a part of heaven that I never imagined. The eyes are so magical. Her lips were wet, and so red. I examined all of her body, and it was a touch of heavens. That silky nightgown and those legs….oh bo3bo3, how could you resist such temptations.
I couldn’t resist anymore. Suddenly, the desires to feed on her overwhelmed me. I just can never overlook such beauty. I am thirsty. My lips are so dry, and nothing would satisfy them except her skin. So I got close to her, rapped my right warm gently on the back of her neck. My left hand just reached to her waist. I asked her to dance with me, and she agreed. The music of black Sabbath is playing on the background. I changed it to "the jungle" for guns&roses. Raised the volume. I reached with my lips to her soft golden neck. She said stop, but it’s too late now. Stop she screamed, but I couldn’t hear her words as the voices inside of my mind were louder and louder. Welcome to the jungle, my jungle, darling.
She tried to run away but there was no where to run. "Let me take you to my world, and you’ll thank me later" I said. She cried, begging for mercy, but this bo3bo3 is not listening. I held her tight as she laid on her back on the floor. She seems to give up the fight, finally. I held her hands as she was laying,, then I looked up, opened my mouth, hauled, then looked down at this terrified woman, and quickly sank my teeth into her neck.
I felt the blood flowing, oooh that warm sweet blood running from her into my veins. I was too hungry, and demanded more. I kept draining her blood, she resisted, then slowly, she gave up. I never tasted such sweet blood like this one.
When I was done, I sat beside her. She was out, no movement whatsoever. Then I leaned to her right ear, and whispered "rise again oh sweet one". She opened her eyes, got up, looked straight at me asking "where am I?". I told her "welcome to my world oh darling for I promise you an everlasting happiness beside me, and an imortal life where you will never ache no more". She came to me, hugged me and said "thank you my lord, for what life I would even ask for that is better than this one".
Cursed I am. To live by the shadows of the nights, stalking victims to feed on.
Cursed I am, for love I still seek, compassionate I am deprived from.
Cursed I am for my life can only be, by the death of others.
Cursed I am, that as long as I live, I shall never see the light.
Cursed I am for death I can never ask for, but shall come on to me.
Cursed I am, to live forever, a vampire from the dark world.

Honesty is not always the right approach

On many occasions, I hear my friends tell me "bo3bo3 dude, you are way too much a politician". To be honest, I don’t see myself a politician when dealing with others. I mean the term "politician" bears so much corruption in it that it scares me to hear it. So what drived those people to look at me (or you) as a politician?
The claim is that you have to be honest when dealing with others. Honesty is not always the correct way when approaching some matters. I mean do you visualize what would my wife do to me if I said "honey, this pants is at least one size smaller than what would fit you"? I maybe a dead man walking right after such comment.
I believe that we sometimes have to "sweeten" the answer to first prevent a catastrophe (well, not to this extreme, I exaggerated here) and two to maybe put a smile on someone’s face. Is it worth it? To see a smile on a face is it worth "massaging" the truth?
When people tell me that I act like a politician, I sense that they are hinting that I escape telling the truth to satisfy an individual, or certain people. Believe me I’m not scared (except from mrs bo3bo3), but rather careful not to offend or hurt the feelings of those around me. 5 years of marriage taught me that honesty is not always the right approach. I learned to say things like "honey, I’ve never seen a more beautiful woman than you in my entire life" and maybe "it’s ok dude, we all make such mistakes" even though it may have been a severe mistake. Gotta give someone a hope, that I learned.
So, and as of today, I’m struggling to defend my approach and answer the criticism of being a politician. I simple can not be honest all the time, and there are certain incidents, we may have to massage or manipulate our answers for a good cause, and that is to put a smile on someone’s face. If you knew your dad is gonna die in 2 days as the doctors said, wold you concentrate on how to make him happy these two days, or slam him with the bitter truth of his death?

On her day

Let me tell you ladies and gentelmen about her story. The day she was born, her dad wasn’t as happy as he would’ve been if she was a boy instead. True that he accepted her into his home, but in his mind, he is thinking "inshalla we’ll do better next time, and have a boy". As she was growing up, she was always reminded that boys get away with more stuff than what she would. You can’t look from the window. You can’t wear shorts. You can’t swim. You can’t rais your voice. You can’t hit your brother back, even if he severely beat you up. Yada yada yada.
Then she became mature, and her body grew and the signs of a woman are beginning to show on her. Now she has to be careful what she says, and what she does. A boy flirted with her while she was walking back to school, and all she did was tell him "get lost" and move on her way. Yet, her brother heard of that and he beats her up just because she spoke to that boy. She overcomes so much discrimination, and now she is done with school.
It’s time to marry she is told. So her dad and mom chose for her the man that she has to continue life with. If she is lucky enough, the man won’t degrade her or beat her up. She works day and night, and she is constantly reminded that her happiness is tied up with his happiness. If he is happy, then that’s her happiness. She may not enjoy the bed with him a lot, and on many occasions, he doesn’t care if she enjoyed or not, just as long as he is satisfied.
Then she grows to be a mother, and go through the hardships of birth and staying up in many nights to care for her baby (s).
If we look at our mothers, and visualize what they had to endure on the course of their lives, then maybe we’ll understand why islam says that "heavens is truly underneath the feet of mothers". To this day, I am yet to find any person who is more giving than this woman. So on this mothers day, I pray to my Lord that my mother, my sister, my wife are happy women, and I salute them for being simply women, great women.

Soprano returns with a big bang

So as I was in the hype of anticipating the last season of sopranos. I was making sure that I have everything ready.

Coffee, check,

cookies, check,

surround system on, check,

warning the wife that I wanna be left alone for a whole 30 minutes, check, yes check check check.

I’m ready. The clock is ticking. 8:45 and my eyes glued to the TV. Wife tells me "don’t finish the coffee and the cookies before it even starts" and I yell "leave me alone woman"

9:00 comes, and I’m suddenly in my domain. Soprano’s first episode starts with a bang. The death of two rats. The advice of Tony to his son "I don’t care how close you are. In the end, your friends are going to let you down. Family, they’re the ones you can depend on". Strong words coming from the guy who’s his mom and uncle tried to assassinate him in the first season. So much loyalty this guy has.

Tony bought his wife a new porch (cayan) and she is excited showing it off to friends. Johnny sack is in jail while Tony is trying to ensure an ever-lasting peace between his family, and Johnny’s family. Things get worst.

Sadely, and after lecturing his son about the importance of family, and after listening to his shrink’s advice that it’s his family that tried to kill him, Tony goes to his uncle top take care of him. He refused to send him to an elderly home. He decided that it’s a disrespect to do that.
Tony walks in his ailing uncle’s house. The uncle has a big time psycho problems. Tony starts cooking for uncle, and then, the big bang. The uncle comes downstairs, shoots tony, and runs upstairs and hides in the clauset crying like a baby no knowing what he has done. Tony is screaming calling his uncle "call 911" but uncle is no where near. Tony struggles toward the phone, dials 911, then falls on his back. He looks like dying. Could that be? Wow.
Bo3Bo3 is screaming "get up man, get up u son of the $$$, get up Tony, dude, get up u $$$$$$$$###$%#$#$.

Now, one of two things may arise from this. If Tony dies, then there will be a big struggle in the soprano family. Too many captains, and they never liked each others. That would be something. The second option is that Tony survives this scare, and that will influence his life as a mobster and as a family man. It will affect the whole season, this year.

Whatever it is, the soprano’s returned with a big bang in the first episode, and it’s gonna be a hell of a season. See you guys next Monday after the second episode.

A new chapter in life

A new chapter in my life is about to begin. I have accepted a new job, in another city. The new job is like a dream job for me, exactly what I've been wishing for lately to get out of my routine. almost 20% increase in salary. Better benefits, and on top of all that, it's in research area, and thats where I really wanna be. I wasn't born to be a lab rat, nor a fire fighter always on call to fix customers problems and processes. So yes, I'm happy.

Yet, change brings fear with it. The fear of the unknown, the future, the relocation process. I'm gonna be deprived from my beloved wife and family for about 3 monthes, till they join me after I buy the new house and that sourt of things. Change breings fear, as it always carries (it refering to change) with it dilemma. A dilemma how to settle down, in the new job and the new community. How to make new friends all over again. The fear of being lonely for three monthes. Sleeping alone on a bed after being with someone for 5 years. Life, the lonely life. It's been along time since I was lonely, and it wasn't a good experience.

So the next few monthes, I may look different, sound different, or even behave different. True that they call me bo3bo3, but trust me, there is nothing in me that reflects any bo3bo3 behavior.

Staying in a hotel for 3 monthes, eating food that is no way near the good home cooking my beloved wife cooks for me, and on top of all, not having the luxury of feeling her warm hand touching my shoulders comforting me when I'm down. That, my good friends, is what I'll miss the most. But I am a believer, I strongly believe in the almight God, and I believe that he is looking over me. With that, I know I'll manage hrough harships of life, for his love is the ultimate love.

A new chapter of my life is about to begin, so buckle up fellow jordanian bloggers for there is no way knowing what this bo3bo3 may write when he is lonely. I think my latest post "erotic thoughts" will look like a children story compared with what's to come (bala gafyeh). God bless us all, and wish me luck in my new life.

Bo3Bo3

The final countdown, Soprano's are back

I am a sopranoaholic, yes I admit it. I love the show, with all what it represents or tries to reflect. I love the power struggle, and sticking up to the family. I love the fact that a man can be so evil, so powerfull, yet, wouldn't hesitate to cry after he shoots his cousin. Thats Toney alright, I just love the dude.

So it's friday night, exactly 46 hours till the start of the first episode of the sopranos on HBO. The sad part is the fact that this is gonna be the final season of such show. Does that mean Toney is gonna die? Or go to jail? I'd hate to see that.

The soprano's is not about mafia, no my good friends. there is more to it. There are so many things we can learn from such show. It's not about violence or blood thirsty heartless killers. It's about the power structure and the decisions that a boss has to make to protect the rest of the family, even if that meant turning his wife, the snitch so be murdered for talking to the feds.

I am a sopranoaholic, yes I admit it. Many of you may not have a clue of what show I'm talking about, but for the few who follow the show, hang in there, it's gonna be a rough ride, and I predict a not so happy ending, damn the director. Thanks for reading.

Blogging Dilemma

This is gonna sound weird a little. I'm fairly new to this blogging buisness, less than 4 months so far. I learned that blogging is like poetry, or writing a novel, sort of. Typically, a post is triggered by an event, or some sort of feelings toward a specific incident or feelings. How so?

You may read a specific news, and you react to it, and then decide to write about it. Political blog? hummm

You may read a story, or a novel, and you decide to put your thoughts about it and hence, you formulate a post.

You may have some sort of feeling, anger, love, or any feeling, and then you decide to write about those feelings. A poem, or a simple post to reflect how you feel. After all, your blog is your own word, your mirror of ideology, feelings, or your reading habbits.

But sometimes there is nothing to write about. Nothing to inspire your fingers to simply log on and let your mind roam your own domain, or mirror as we said earlier. You then try to make up somthing, anything, but with no luck. So you decide to wait for the right moment, and the right incident that will trigger your mind to reflect.

Thats where the dilemma starts. How can you creat the right atmosphere and the right mood to write about something, anything that is not related to an incident or feelings? It's like writing a novel. You sit down, gather a topic you wanna write about, and then gather your thoughts and ideas.

My dilemma is that I'm a reactive person. Something has to trigger me to write. 4 weeks so far and I'm yet to write a poem. I don't mean writing it in my blog, but simply writing it on my poem notes that I keep. This is new to me as I'm always quick to set the mood and enjoy my poetic side.

I hate to be a reactive person. Why do I need to wait for an honor crime to write about it? Why do I need for a mood to be in the mood of writing about anything? Well, wish I know.

Ok, which one of you guys and gals said "it's time to refill that prozac bottle of yours bo3bo3"

Erotic thoughts

Being born to a conservative jordanian parents, I grew up in an environment that has lots of red lines. Red lines on words, thoughts, and other aspects of our lives. As a result, one grws being catious always on what he/she says, or does.

Before my 18th birthday, I was sent to the states to pursue education. 17 years in the usa had it's affect on me. I'm sure others feel this way too about themselves.

I learned to flirt with those red lines. Come so close, take a peek, and then go back to my bases quickly. Sometimes, I would cross those lines for a short time, then quickly go back to my "normal" state, whatever that state means.

I learned to enjoy art. Suddenly, a picture of a naked beautiful woman is not an adult rated material, but now it is an art expression. Of course I don't mean photos like the ones posted in adult sites or magazines, but I mean an expression photos of beauty.

Same with thoughts. What I wouldn't even dare to think of, is now an ok thing.

So I decided to flirt with the red lines again, and hope no one gets offended by such actions of me.

Erotic thoughts.

It was late at night, close to 15 min passed midnight. I walked from the coffee shop (argeeleh style) to the resturant to have a late snack. In the restaurant, I saw her sitting on one of the tables, with her friend. She was beautiful, and so her friend. Lust started building in me and I felt something I haven't felt in some time. Here smile, her look, her face was telling me "join us". God what I would do for just 2 minutes with her.

After a big fight inside of me between my good side, and my evil wicked side, a winner was announced. Seems that my evil wicked side won again. So I got up, driven by the strong lust ana passion inside of my body, and went to the table. I sat next to her friend, but my eyes never moved away from her directions. Her friend was talking to me, and my mind was with her. Not just my mind, ...well. anyway, lets just say I was under a spell. A spell that won't leave me unless I satisfy my erotic lust toward her.

I tried to resist, and tried again. I can't win the battle. My body was like a flame wanting to explode. I just kept thinking of how sweet things would be between me and her.

I sat next to her friend, but my eyes were stuck on her, and so my thoughts. So much lust inside of me toward her. Her friend noticed, and said "you can have all three of us, if you wish". Wow, what an offer. Wait a minute bo3bo3, don't forget that u promissed urself that u never will do that. I declined the offer and smiled and said "Great offer, but I have to decline it, and ask ur permission to let me have her only". She smiled back at me and said "she is all your, enjoy". I was happy, and let my hand reach across the table toward her, thinking of when my lipos touch her body, soft silky smooth body. I held her, as if I was holding the secret to happiness, and used amatch to light her on fire, then smoked like there was no tomorrow. Indeed she was the most beautiful marlboro lights I ever had in my life. We both lived love like we never lived it before. I then walked back to my car thinking about my next victim, will it be another sweet lovely marlboro light again? I sure hope so.

The man creature

We tend to overlook this creature. Concentrate alot on the greatness of woman, that we forget to even pay attention to this creature. Pregnancey, opression, second hand class citizen, crimes, and all those negative things that happen to women, underestimate the needed discussions or attention to man. Man. Man? :sigh: yes man.

Man, is a great creature. Loves, just like she does, cries, just like she does, feels, again just like she does.

Giving, you asked? Yes, man is a very giving creature. Works so many years, never complains, to make sure his loved ones survive.

Loving, you asked? The greatest love poetry was written by men. They say that poets don't lie, and then tend to express true emotions.

Caring, you asked? ooooh yes, very caring, to mom, dad, and all his family.

Sacrificing? oh yes. need I elaborate?

Man, we tend to overlook his feelings, emotions, laughter, and tears.

Oh well, he would never even complain, except me.

2/6/1999

a dark and a sad day in history. allah yer7am roo7ak sayyedy wa7abeeby abo 3abdallah.