A bathroom thought

Last night, we had a problem in the house...plumbing problem. I was up all night. Finally, I caved in for my wife's opinion and called a 24 hrs/day plumbing service. After paying $220 for 25 minutes work, I finally went to the bathroom.
As usual, a thought came across to me. I remembered how in the old days we used to throw some rice for the pigens to come and feed. I also remember seeing lots of bird feeders at work and many places. We have one too in our backyard.
I then started asking myself...oh wicked self...are humans good by nature or bad? Are we good inside of us and express it by doing something that we gain nothing out of, except bringing some happiness for other creatures (as in bird feeding). Are we naturally good, but sometimes we exhibit bad behavior (abnormal to our nature) as in not feeling responsible to help other human beings?
Or we are bad and evil by nature, yet we go out of our ways sometimes and feed some birds here and there.
This is like looking at the glass half full or half empty. What are we? good or bad, by nature. And of we are good, then why do we exhibit so many bad behaviors for our fellow humans.
If we had no religion..and no laws whatsoever...would we revert to the evil nature or simply the good one? If murder had no punishment..or adultary had no consequences...or beating up humans had no consequences...would we still do it? We all know that adultary is not allowed in islam, yet, in heavens, the rewrd for some is 72 vergins. We know that drinking is not allowed, yet in heavens, there will be rivers of wine. We are asked to pray 5 times a day, yet, no prayer is asked from humans in the heavens. Is this a sign that humans are bad by nature, and that we have to go out of our ways (and be good) to get the promissed rewards?
I hate bathroom times...it has a toll on me.

Honey...lets talk

My typical work day usually ends with me going home after a hard worked 8 hours plus. All I want is to eat my dinner, sit down, watch few minutes of CNN, Fox news, and a little of MSNBC, before I flip the channel to my favorite two channels, military history and travel channel. This is pretty much how my week days end up with.
The other day, I sat down for my daily after work ritual, and I noticed my wife a little sad. There is a part of me wanting to ask her "whats wrong honey...r u ok?" and the other part is saying " shut up and pretend that you didn't notive her sadness". The struggle continued for a while, but sadly, the good side of me won. So I did it. "Honey, are you ak?". She started complaining that we don;t talk alot these days. She is right. She usually goes upstairs to help zaid study...gives him a bath..and then reads him something to help him go to bed. I sure hope I am sounding like jelouse of how she is given attention to our son more than me. I really am not. A man sometimes need to sit down and relax in isolation.
So I agreed with her that we are not talking too much these days. I actually feel bad for her because of my constant travel. I mean last week I was in Tenessee, and this week I'm spending half in Chicago, and that already started. So I agreed with her and asked her to talk to me about anything she wishes...heck..why not..she is my wife after all, and the one that withstand my thoglet dam.
At any rate, she started talking about her firiends...how this one is not happy with her husband...and how that one is misstreating her husband...and how another one is wanting to have kids while the husband doesn't want. That took more than an hour. She then started talking about food and different ways to cook different meals. She then reverted to talking about her sisters in Jordan. I kept quiet all this time.
At the end of the night..I told her "honey...now you know why we don;t talk? it's because I am interested in your friends stories..and your sister well being...and cooking...it's just doesn't interest me". I was being honest. I mean I don;t care about any of her friends...well..except the one that makes good layali lebnan. And I'm sure she wouldn't be interested in my work stories and what i do at work.
What the heck can we talk about? I like politics, she likes egyptian movies. I like science, and she likes faked arab history. I like lamb, and she likes veggies.
So...next time your wife asks you to spend some time to talk to her...run to the nearest coffee shop.
I still love her and wish that she is not bored. Now watch how the women nazi group jump on my back and start attaking my old mentality...se sayyed..but I am not se sayyed.

Cell phone abuse

I'l try and keep calm during my attempt to express my frustration with sell phones. ...errrr...naa, it won't work.

Yesterday, I caught a flight from cincinnatti airport to memphis, TN. Everything was fine. The flight was delayed about 30 minutes, but thats normal. There were about 40 passengers in this small 50 passenger communter jet. As wel all know, cell phone usage is not allowed during take off, and during the flight. However, this usage is allowed after landing. It takes about 10 minutes to taxi and get to the gate. Now, as soon as the anouncment of allowing passengers to use cell phones, some people got their cell phones out and started to check messages. Again, thats normal and I do that as well. Yet, there were some people that started dialing and talking to people on cell phones. Now, why couldn't these people just wait 10 minutes...just damn 10 minutes. The dude next to me called his wife (supposedly) and started a stupid unneeded conversation with here. "Hi honey, I just landed. How are the kids. Ok I love you. I'll talk to you when I get to the hotel". errrrr.....I would bet money that the same dude called his wife again from the car rental shuttle to do the same. Many people started tasteless conversations during that 10 minutes. Some retard few seats back was talking so loud using his silly looking bluetooth as if he was in his office. He was a dude going through divorce and was discussing some stuff with his attorny. As if we needed to hear such conversation. I hope his wife end up taking all his money, and not just half.

People...my fellow human beings..if you can hear me. Stop this cell phone abuse. I remember 10 years back, cell phone usage was at minimal because of the cost. Now, those damn companies come up with the 2000 minutes plans that is so annoying. And what you end up with is a person trying to use his/her 2000 minutes before the end of the month. "well, I paid for those minutes". errrrr.

I have encountered so many ignorants using cell phones while in the bathroom. Damn this blue tooth hand's free technology. I don't want to hear your private conversations. Unless you are discussing some information on stock investing, and unless you are furbishing information that could make me rich..shut up please.

oooooh..don't even get me started on text messeging in the airports. This is why I try and minimize my travel during spring breaks. Although that teenagers speaking over the phone is so annoying that it makes me puke, yet, text messeging is even worse. I hate my life.

signed:
a very annoyed and frustrated traveler.

A year ago

Wow...It has been one year since I last posted. It has been a very busy year, but I'm back. I will start posting again regularly. I hope everyone is still doing great. Will be back very soon.

9 days

9 days...thats the number of days that I have been stuck in tenessee trying to finish some work. No good sign in the horizon yet, but I am going home, regardless. I'll come back later to finish such work, but for now, I feel like a car that is running low on gas, and must refill. A battery that is weakening and I gotta re-charge. I travel alot, but never more than 5 days. This is 9 days straight, including weekend spent in the factory. I wanna go home.

The worst thing about my travel is the night. Once the clock hits 6 or 7 o'clock, I start get into this sad feeling. I gotta eat, and thats my dilema. Not that I eat too much, but the fact that I am eating alone most of those nights. Every night is a sad night for me. being away from my family, spending the nights alone, is what gets me.

Well, tonight was a little different. I went to this hibachi japanese place in Jackson, TN. I was, as most time, alone. I sat on a table, and there was a family. There was once child, probably 7 years old. He looked like my son zaid, so much. I was starring at the kid, and loking back to the chef. Didn't want to give the wronge impression that I was a child predator. But I couldn't help it. The kid was trying hard to use the chop sticks, which I myself don't know how to. So i asked for a "cheaters chop sticks" Those were sticks with a rubber band at the top of it to help control them. I started teasing the kid that i am able to use mine, and he wasn't. Smiles back and forth, and his parents joined in the fun.

Before you know it, I started chatting with the family. You know....about everything, heck, including the middle east policy, which I try to avoid. The kid looked at me and said "heeeeey, your cheating" All were smiling and he managed tp use his sticks.

Nights like that makes me ease some of the pressure of traveling. It ain't fun, ya'al. loool I am starting to sound like a southern tenessee dude.

The light at the end of the tunnel. I called my boss, whos in spain for some meetings, and told him that I am going home. he agreed and wished me well. I booked the nearest open flight, friday at 9 am from memphis airport. I am going home. I need to be home.

Coping with the past

Hummm...ok...let me try and gather my thoughts here. It's all about the past. No matter how hard we try to escape it, it keeps "haunting" us constantly. I am a person who is having a hard time escaping the past. I understand that the past is essential to have a future of course. But I sometimes I wish I could turn the switch off on it somehow.

Every day passed, is saved somehow in your memory. You can't just delete it. Wish I could. But how can someone at least block it from the constant haunting? How can you pick and choose what to remember, when to remember, and how long should you remember any incident?

I am a firm believer that the past, with it's goodnes and evil, with it's light and darkness, with it's sad and happy, with anything and it's "anti thing" is like a house. You can't simply take parts of it, and say, lock it not to be ever seen again.

I am a weak man, and I'm sure many are, if not all men are. Sometimes, a thought haunts me from the past and I start hearing voices. Don;t panic, not the kind of voices that makes a mother drwon her 4 kids. But voices of people that I may have hurt intentially. Voices of matters that I have given up on like drinking. Voices of the child in me ....was me I should say. Voices of a land that I have left 20 years ago and wanting me back. Voices of a smile that I once had frequently, but hardly now. Voices and voices everywhere I look.

I try not to be isolated. I try to be around people to keep those voices from haunting me. Some of those voices are asking me "why did you do this" and some voices are telling me "come back to me, you need me".

This is silly. I mean I am an educated man (don't mind the village language that I speak). I have a decent job that is very exciting and challenging. How can I talk about such silly voices. But I kid you not, them damn voices are around me even as I am writing those words. Sometimes I wish that I was never been. Or maybe that I am about to expire. Them voices gets to you after a while. This is not a typical bathroo thought, but rather like a realty show. I wish I can pull the plug on those voices. I never meant to hurt. I never meant to leave my land. I never meant to be who I am today, or whom I was yesterday. It just happened. I guess hallucination can hit anyone, regardless if they are educated or not...even if they were bald headed jordanian dude. So execuse me for a moment as I have to fight off some more voices. Yep.....Bo3Bo3 has gone insane...or maybe he was already insane.

My wife is jelous

Finally, my dream came true. Yeppp....she is jelous. During christmass, we decided to travel to cleveland, ohio to see some friends. Cleveland is the last place I wanna go to, especially during winter. Nevertheless, my wife made lots of friends when we were there. I guess we both fit each others nicely. I'm very social in my nature, and she is twice as much. We got to the hotel late that night, and after a quick dinner downstairs, we decided to call the night off.

The next day, we visited a friend of ours. A jordanian couple, christians, but I won;t hold that against them :). Kidding of course, koll ennas khair wbarakeh. At any rate, my friend's wife is a nice cook, except when it comes to mansaf, no one beats my wife in that catagory. So we had a dinner, some stuffed chicken, and now it's desert time. Now, I gotta be honest and say that my friends wife makes the best "laialy lebnan" ever. And she makes it when I'm there always. I made the "error" one time and complimented her so much on this beautiful dish. Ever sence, she makes it every time we visit them. My wife doesn't like that of course...a woman's thing if you ask me.

As usual, I was living in another world while i was eating layaly lebnan. Before I finished my plate, she brough the second plate to me. I never say no to food, especially if I'm enjoying it. So I started eating the second plate while humming and mumming and living the best fantacy of my life, yes, food fantacy. I complimeted her again, and her husband said "I wish u visit us every wek, because thats the only time she makes it that good". My wife was staring at me with her eagle's eyes as if she was telling me "guess who's sleeping on the couch tonight". But I can't help it. before we left, I asked my friend's wife if she can give the recipe to my wife. She did of course, and she wrote it in details as well. On the drive back to the hotel, I asked my wife if she could make it for me when we go home. She took the notes out and shreded the papers and throw them in my face. Right there, I knew I screwed up so much. I've got burned before on the veal parmasian dish when i told my wife that I had the best veal parmasian in a restaurant. She never made me veal parmasian again, and she makes a great veal parmasian, from the scratsh.

The next day, we visted another couple, from gaza. Great couple I should add. They made the same dish we ate the last time, a baked leg of lamb stuffed with garlic and origano. I once again screwed up. I never learn any lesson at all. I told my wife again if she could at leat try and make the same dish, and her reaction was as the night before. I wish I can keep my mouth shut when it matters. I don't enjoy her veal parmasian no more. she never makes me layaly lebnan nore the leg of lamb. I mean I should know better, for I do sincerly appreciate a good food. I need good food in my life, and I'm paying a heafty price for my lack of "quitness".

A half full cup

As I was dinning alone in this restaurant, I started to stare at the half full (or half empty) glass in front of me. This is not good since my table was the only table with less than two people sitting around it. A bathroom moment came to me. Before you started thinking to much about such moment, it's a moment where I start thinking about things that can only torture my mind.

Is this glass really half full or half empty? Phillosophers spent many years analyzing such statement..or question. I asked myself a question "of wicked self, is this glass half full or half empty"? To be honest, i didn;t know the answer, and was tempted to take a ruler from my case and measure the damn thing. Funny how people tied up this glass concept to life. I mean some will tell you that it's half full to keep hopes and aspiration always alive. Others would say a half empty representing time gone and never to come back. yes, like our own age. Middle age is either sad moment reflecting on all those years (don;t u love the song "holding back the years" by simply red?). Or it maybe a hope for a better second half that you are yet to go through. This is when the great bo3bo3 discovered a theory to fend off all those sad moments that results from starring at a half glass. To me, a half empty glass is good knowing that the other half is sitting somewhere in my stomach (or bladder depending on the speed of the digesting cycle). Yes exactly like the half steak that is sitting infront of me at this moment. I know where the other half is.

Then a thought came across of me regarding this half thing business. White is good...it represents pureness and happiness. As in white christmass or white wedding in reference to the white wedding dress. Black is bad...it's evil. But if you think for a moment, you would come to the realization that black is good while white is bad. Black absorbes light and shows it's real identity. White reflects lights and shows whatever it's reflecting. Wicked ain;t it? Didn't i say it's a bathroom moment? darkness is good, according to this wicked theory.

But wait a minute. How did we ended up going from a glass on the table to discussing darkness? Again, this is the beauty of a bathroom moment. I have overlooked the most important thing in all this incident. You see, there was a piece of meat sitting i the bottom of the glass, and this what I should've been focusing on. As to where this piece came from, I'll leave that to your imagination as a moment of bathroom has came right now...this moment, and this is literaly speaking not figuratively.

Whats wrong with being an arab american?

The other day, I was talking to a friend of mine who was visiting the states for few days. A bathroom moment hit me, and I started to ask. “Dude, how do you folks perceive us?”. After trying to escape the question, he caved in finally. Here are some of the interesting misconceptions…or maybe true conceptions about arab Americans.

Show-offs
This is an interesting thing to hear from a Jordanian dude who belongs to a society that is purly build on show off. A society that names specific clothes items after singers and dancers (as in tannooret ruby…etc) It seems that arab-americans have the tendency to talk so much about the fact that they could own two cars, a home, and enjoy vacations. Talk about the availability of department store, fancy restaurants and much much more. This happens especially when arab Americans travel back to the middle east with their fancy stuff.

This democracy talk
Yeah dude…all you talk about is how you have democracy and you could curse your president in the middle of down town. You brag about it knowing arabs can’t dare to do the same in public. So now you think you know it all? You know all about globalization and it’s effect on developing nations. You know all about primaries and caucuses. Or that fancy term of electoral college. Please…don’t lecture us about such things.

Not in touch with arab realty
You forgot all about your origins and chased a handful of dollars. You consider yourself American while other Americans still look at you as a foreigner. Wake up dude…and smell the hummus.

English language
Oh yessssss…this is the number one thing that gets on our nerves. Do you want to really convince us that you forgot your Arabic language? Stop inserting words like “man” “sure” “ok” in any Arabic sentence. We know that you can speak Arabic, so why this show off?

The funny thing is that I started to buy his views. I see many arab Americans use the above examples for purely show off. I mean some dude have been only few months in the USA, and they display the behavior of “dude…I forgot my Arabic” and other type of behaviors.

Is it true that arab Americans could not get rid of the show off mentality that they brought with them from home? I’ve been an arab American for almost 20 years. I take pride in trying to preserve the morals and values that I was born with. I also take pride in the values that I picked up from the states. I believe in this land’s democracy and wish that we could apply it in our world. A pride that got me into so many arguments with other arabs who focus on the war in iraq and criminalize every American value because of such war.

I am still alive

It's been ages since I posted anything here. Work has been taking so much of my time and the fact that my parents came to visit us two monthes ago (and still here :( ) is adding on top of that. I have lots of stories to tell, especially on this year's election in the states. Hope everyone is doing great.

9/16/1970

A dark day in the history of both sides of the Jordanian river. Many of us were too young, or not even yet born to live such era. However, this era left few black dots on our lives. We hope that we have overcome the typical instigating questions of why it happened and who was the aggressor. We are beyond that. We should be beyond that. We ought to be beyond that. Darn it, you need to be beyond that.

Nevertheless, one can not forget how such bad days affected his/her life. We shouldn’t forget. Yes we should forgive, but please don’t ask us to forget. True that the battles lasted for 10 days, but those days were enough to leave such marks.

I sometimes try to drag my father to tell me more about what happened in those 10 days. He always leans back and tells me that he took them off his memory. I don’t buy that at all. I know. I then try the same with my mom. She tells me few details here and there. But not enough to draw a detailed picture of what happened.

The one story that they both tell always, is the attempt on his life on Feb of 1971. Well, they can’t lie about it, as the evidence are still clear in our old house on the edges of tabarboor. Bullet holes on the walls are witness of what happened that day.

As he was driving home one day, two PLO fighters were waiting by our house. As the car approached the home, bullets started flying. The driver was killed instantly. Dad ran to the house, with the two fighters chasing him. They finally got to him, and took away his gun. One of them was waiting by the door guarding the door. The other one demanded that my father kneel down on his knees in the front yard. He put the AK47 to his head. Mom screaming begging for them to let him live. I was one and a half years old in her hands. The fighter was yelling at my mom to shut up. Then suddenly, a bullet hits the fighter guarding the door. A Jordanian army sniper on one of the roof tops got to him. In the panic, the other fighter started shooting in all directions hoping to get the sniper. My father quickly ran inside to his other gun. Bullets allover the place. In the end, two bullets hit my father, one in the leg and one in the stomach. The second fighter was killed.

Sadly, the above incident left a bad reaction on my father. I remember when I left and came to America, dad portrayed Palestinians to be evils. He himself is Palestinian by origin, even though he was born in Jordan. But after maturing, I questioned his feelings toward his own people. He was always angry at the note of me mentioning that not all fingers are alike.

35 years later, he himself matured in this issue. Now, finally, acknowledged that not all fingers are alike.

So, whatever those days left on you, maybe it’s time to reach out to the other side for some reconciliation. War is over. Peace roots are strong in our land….hopefully.

I hope that you folks don’t misunderstand this post to be instigation of an old wound..no ladies and gentlemen. It’s an attempt to acknowledge the past, build on it, and look for a brighter future.

My self made prison

Before I write what I wanna write, I know that ya'aal will ask and tell me "whats preventing you from doing it?" This is not about such question..I feel that I can't answer, but rather about venting. Venting that many of you may be dying to let out of your chest. Regardess....I'll speak my mind.
Sometimes, when I'm alone, and with no one around me, someone takes over my mind. It is as a nightmare that haunts me always, sleep or awake, it won;t matter.
I start day dreaming, or as some will call it, hallucinating, about Jordan. This is probably a good time to stop reading if your not in love with such beatiful land..i won;t blame you at all.
I sometimes vision myself sitting on my favorit childhood hill, of course in 6abarboor, playing with a stick writing some scribbles on a beautiful sandy hill. As I lift my head up, and watch those shiphards with their sheep roaming the beautiful desert, I live a wonderful love story of a young boy with this land. A yong boy who was forced to leave at an early age, his beloved land.
Visions like walking in the streets of amman, hearing the horns of the cars, and the yellng of the crowd. Smelling the aroma of food and gasoline that fills such streets. Walking from a place to another, a restaurant to a coffee shop, and passing by the small stores. Watching the faces of the people who are busy trying to figure out what to buy for their loved ones waiting eagerly at home.
Daydreaming has never been my thing...but it's haunting me now. I start to ask myself, why me? Why did I leave? How can I go back. Please don't ask me to answer such difficult questions...for I can't answer. Just stuck in a world I seemed to choose for myself, yet I blame others for my misery. On ocasions, satan seems to be winning some grounds in his battle against me, and I start asking and blaming God. Lasting for moments of course, before I snap out of it and go back into my blues.
I'm becoming more sensative..pathetically sensative you may say. I could be sitting down sipping my tea after a long day's work, and suddenly, my wife starts singing with a low voice songs from the folklor of jordan. I then feel tears from my eyes, yet, not flowing outside, but inside towards my heart torturing every cell in it. I wish she stops..but I seem to enjoy such torture. To add more on such miserty, I sometimes yell at her "stop". Only to se her going into her own misery speaking of how her aunt used to sing such sings to her as she helped her to sleep at night.
I came to realize that Jordan is a curse...a beautiful curse. It's probably painful to live jordan now, but I damnguarantee that it is more painful living away from her. Her hills, streets, alleys, aroma, harship, and the sweet nights we spent on the roofs laying on our backs counting the starts on a beautiful july night in 6abarboor. I guess some of us were distened to be tortured by her presence, as well her absence, from our lives.
What saddens me that many jordanian americans tried to go back and settle in jordan. Only to come back dragging the signs of failures for not coping. Execuses that may make sense to you, but never did to me.
True I found the career and respect that i worked so hard to earn..but I just can't win the tranquility of being "home". I kid you not, but I pray that I am forced to leave home..yeah..forced as in kicked out of the states. I just can't seem to make the "right" decision. Torn apart between protecting my career and family, and between a life that my soul is so eager to live...home. Between selfesness and between responsibility toward my loved ones.
So..why don't you simply pack your bags and leave?.....I told you not to ask..so why are you doing this to me? You'll laugh at what instigated such post..but so what? laugh anyway. I was listening to some sings...and suddenly..omar elabdallat song "ma7la eldaar weldeereh...." played on my computer as I was sitting down in my hotel room thinking about tomorrow. Suddenly..tomorrow seemed to be so far away as I was stcuk in my self made prison of torture. I guess I deserve it. Oh well.....life is a female dog after all, ain't it.

My wife is finally a US citizen

Today, and at 9 am, was the court ceremony for the citizenship for my wife. Got up early in the morning, gathered the papers and got in the car as we drove to downtown Indianapolis. The appointment was 9:00 am. We were there at 8:50 by the court room door. Got in, sat down and waited for the ceremony. 9:00 am sharp, one Chinese American immigration worker started by telling the 52 naturalized citizens of what to expect in the ceremony.

The started calling names, and each person, went to the bench, took the certificate, and sat down on a designated seat. They called my wife’s name, and she got up, and took her certificate, and sat down. She looked back at me very panicked. I gave a look to comfort her and went to her and reminded her that this is nothing serious, just a celibration..sort of.

At 10 am, 49 new citizen were sitting down. Finally, the last three, who’s names were called earlier but were not there yet, came through. Two Egyptian young girls (sisters) and a Saudi young man. Now, we have a full house.

The judge then asked each one to stand up, and state the country of origin. This was something new to me, I never seen this before. I heard countries like south Africa (almost 10 from there that looked like nazi in hiding), Pakistan, libya, Saudi Arabia, Egypt, selvadore, Dominican, mexico, Serbia, Albania, and many countries. In the end, he told them why he asked the origin. He iterated the fact that every American came from somewhere sometime ago. He wanted all to know and see this as they r becoming citizens. He had a long speech, which I was really impressed, to a point that I was begging a korean woman to calm her son’s down a little as I wanted to listen. It was a very impressive speech about freedom of expression, democracy, and how citizens will loose their right, if they don’t exercise they right to vote and elect.

Then, a line of “politician opportunists” read congratulation letters from congressmen and house members of Indiana. All in all, 9 speakers gave speeches to the new citizens. I was only impressed by the judge. During the other speeches, I was busy searching the room for good looking chicks to smile, say howdy, and use zaid as a bait to get them come and say “ooooh..what a cute boy”. I couldn’t find any good looking ones.

I, however, was angered by the 25 or more kids who were thinking they were in a park. God I hate this. I mean if u know ur kid is a noisy kid, please get a baby sitter. One particular kid got on my nerves big time. As I was going back in the court room, I saw a seat open. I went there, but one of the kids there (he was Pakistani) said “there is someone sitting here” Ok..my normal reaction would be “so?” and would sit down. But I always try to be nice as much as possible. I smiled at him, walked to the side, and stood leaning in the wall. Suddenly, a 4 or 5 years old kid sit in that seat. I starred at that kid, and he was looking scared at me. I kept starring at him. He never looked at me again.

In the end of the ceremony, I sat in the back seat. Those kids were playing and making noised. Then, that same kid came and wanted to play with them. That’s when I yelled at him saying “why can’t u kids be quite? Go outside and play, or be quite. This is not the park”. His mama came running toward him, as I sat leaning back. I managed to see his mom’s face, who was not very happy, but I didn’t care anyway. Couple of the people managed to give me a “good job buddy” look as they too were bothered by them kids.

So, walked back to the car, drove back to the house. So, today, my wife is a US citizen, and I gotta be honest, this was a very impressive day. I heard great speech by a judge that moved me and made me proud of such rights to vote, and express freely.

I miss her so much

I need her..want her..want to feel her on my lips, and feel it's warmness burning my desires. I want to kiss her so bad..but I can't. If I give in..I'll lose the respect of my wife. She won't be happy if I ever go back to her.

It's my cigarette....Tuesday, June/12/2007 at 6:20 pm, and as I was driving to hooters in cincinatti, I smoked my last cigarette. I decided to quit that specific day, cold turkey.

4 days later, I feel like shit, tired, and body so weak and numb. I never experienced the pain of addiction..but now I do. I never imagined being a slave to something so little, and now I do. I have never imagined how weak I am, but now I do.

Stop bo3bo3, think, take a deep breath (now that u can without pain in lungs)..and stand by ur word. It's today or never again. You lose the fight today, and u ain't standing up again.

Stop bo3bo3, think, and take a look at ur loved ones and what it will mean to them, if u kick the habit. I'll make it easy on u buddy...
Family? or a cheap pack of cigarette?
see, it's not so tough after all.

Stop, and don;t look back. Many people are living smoke-free...and so u could.

I wish I can claim I'm strong, but I'm not

Tonight, I decided to go to the arabic restaurant, across the street from the hotel, for good old arabic food and a shisha. I gotta admit that I had fun eating, and smoking shisha on the side walk, beside cute college girls, and endurinf the looks of the passers as they watched me buffing and huffing smoke. Nevertheless, there was a wedding party in the restaurant, and there was a table full of bottles of alcohol.

You see, I've been alcohol free for about 7 years. Since the day I married my wife, I dissontinued drinking once and for all. I wish I can claim to be strong in that catagory, but sadly, I am not. The bottles were calling my name. and I felt a moment of weakness. I could hear the vodca telling me "come and get me oh sweet darling". Thats when I decided to run outside and smoke my shisha.
I travel a lot these days, and part of my work is "pampering" plant managers and managers in general. That means that I take them to fancy restaurants, and let them run the bill into the tripple figures to satisfy their drinking habbits. I struggle in such activity. I sit away from them, but my blood keeps itching for a drink. I wish I can claim I'm strong, but I am not. I am just lucky the God is watching over me. Every time I feel a moment of weakness, God provides an escape rout for me before dragging myself back into this sinnful habbit. I know that if I caved in, then I'm just gonna be wasted for years to come. I don't want that at all. Seven wonderful years so far and I pray that they last till the day I face my God.

I'm no angel, and I know your cheering for such confession. I'm just a human being, who is weak, volurnable, and tempted always by the devil. I just hope that God keeps watching over me and keep me away from such thing. It's bugging me that my wife interrogates me after I come home. She questions me and smells my mouth to make sure that I'm still clean. I am clean..and I hope it lasts forever.

I miss her already

My parents stayed with me over six months. They had just left to jordan last week on thursday. I was planning for mega activities the minute they depart back to jordan. A vacation trip and some good old catching up to do with my wife and son.

However, I found out a week ago that I need to attend a conference in cinsinnati the week after they depart. So I'm stuck away from her. I also found out that I have to travel to Boston next week (for the week) and to tenessee the week after. Thats three weeks away from her, except for weekends. The months of july through december don't look better. I have to stay 2 weeks every month in both, cincinnati and tenessee. Thats not counting the urgent travling, and it usually happens.

I love my job...it's creating an opportunity that I just can't say no to. Financial security to her and my family. Great career advancements. But I'm missing a touch in my life. I wanna walk outside to the park with her. I wanna go out and dine out as we used to do in the past. I wanna go shopping with her. But can't do it often.

So instead, I plan for my numbered days with her monthly to do something. Have fun just like any other couple out there. I wanna run in the house butt naked again. well..ok..maybe that was way too extreme, but u do get the picture. I wanna feel, act, behave, and live as a married man. I can't. I know that my parents will be back soon. Could be 2 months..or 5..who knows, but they r coming back.

I wanna be wild again..and live wild. But instead, I'm constantly flying/driving and it's having a toll on my personal life. I sometimes feel that I'm not married at all. The next three weeks will be harsh on the both of us. Maybe i should take her with me next time.

I am not racist

but have feelings...negative feelings toward some ethnic bckgrounds.

So, there is this conference that I'm attending in cincinnati, ohio. It's a technical conference on plastics. I checked in the hotel yesterday, sunday, and delayed my conference regeistration till monday. Historically, registration goes smoothly.

Monday 6:30 am: Bo3bo3 gets up from bed panicked due to the alarm clock. It seems that I didn't know how to set up the alarm. Believe me, alarm clocks these days are very complicated and you sincerly need a manual to know how to operate the thingie. So I woke up on some rap music. I quickly ran to the shower and prepared myself for the conference. 7:30 am and after checking my work email, I went down stairs to the restaurant for a quick breakfast. usually, a cup of coffee and a muffin would take care of me.

Monday 7:50 am:Bo3bo3 walks into Duke energy center, where the conference is located, only to find a long line. I could almost swear that 60% of the attendants are chinese and indians. As usual, I searched for a cute girl (and believe me, they are difficult to find in such conference). I found my victim, and waited as she got in line, and I quickly got behind her in line. Don't get me wrong, but I'm born a yacker and social by nature. "Hi how u doin...yada yada" and the conversation started.

Monday 8:45 am:Bo3bo3 is still standing in line. The problem is that many chinese didn't understand english pretty well, and some were registering today. I rigesterd few weeks back, but had to stand in line for my badg and schedule. These guys take too long on the registration booth. The lady tells them something simple, and they keep asking things that I have no clue how they relate to the conference activities. My legs are tired, and my back hurts from my laptop case. If it wasn't for this cute girl, I would've done something stupid, seriously.

Monday 9:10 am:finally, I got my badg and goodies and walked out to see if I could see anyone I recognize. I found what looked to be a couple of arabs standing in a corner. I walked to them and read their names on their badges. they were arabs. The usual "hala abo elshabaab..keef el7al" and we started talking. They were an algerian and a tunisian. We agreed to meet at lunch time to have a lunch together.

Monday 10:45 am:Bo3bo3 walks out of the conference hall and wait for those guys.

Monday 11:30 am:still waiting

Monday 11:45 am:realized that those arabs were not gonna show up. they must have been scared of me. i would've. All I wanted is a chat with fellow arabs and talk technical, thats all. they said at 11:00 am..yet..none showed up. So I decided to have lunch on my own.

Monday 1:30 pm:Bo3bo3 goes back to the conference hall and attends the afternoon session.

Too many chinese and indians. The problem with the chinese is that they never speak english and I hate the way the smile. The indians are funny. The minute one of them starts making more than $12/hr, they think highly of themselves. They start speaking in a language as if they were doctors. The walk as if they were the sultans. And they wear cheap $25 suites. Very cheap.

The problem is that this is only day one...4 more days to go . I can't handle this.
Oh well...poop happens I guess.

clarification regarding saudi laws

ok...recently, I've been feeling like a youtube addict. In addition, I'm also feeling an addict on alarabiya.net website.

Today, i read a news piece (http://www.alarabiya.net/Articles/2007/04/25/33871.htm) regarding a saudi woman with her 2 daughters. It appears that she traveled with her daughters to another town for some exams for her daughters. Her husband was sick in the hospital. Well, this lady tried to get a room in a hotel, but she was rejected because she doesn'y have "mo7ram" with her. She had to hav a male relativenfor them to get a room. So she ended up hiring a taxi and paid the driver money so she, and her daughters, could sleep safely.

Few days ago, I came across a story about saudi sexual harrassment against women. so I checked youtube, and found some disturbing videos. In one video, 3 young saudi's (and the 4th is video recording) are harassing 2 veiled women. They were groping them, touching them in all places, and in an instance, one man holds one of the girls from behind, and acting a sexual act that made me just go insane. The girls were begging these guys, crying, and trying to push them away. Finally, one of the guys may have awakened and started pushing the remaining 2 away from the girls as they ran away. The person recording the tape was yelling at they guys to do more to the girls.

Oh..what about the recent forced divorce because of "3adam kafaa2a"? In one case, the court ruled to divorce a saudi woman, against her will, because her brothers complained to the court that the husband is not fit (socially) to be their sister's husband since he was from a different tribe. The problem is this couple have 3 kids. The wife is in jail now because she refused to leave jail, except to her husband's home, whom she loves.

Sometimes I wonder, is islam really behind this? I am a muslim and I never heard such stories except in saudi arabia. Where are these laws coming from?

Ok..maybe some of my friends (and not friends) call me anti-women. Maybe I am to certain extent, allthough I strongly dissagree, but maybe I am unintentioally. But come on people...if women in saudi arabia are deprived from basic humans rights, how can men live happy? They are fathers, how can they approve such thing to their daughters? Whats the freakin reason or rationale behind preventing women from driving? seriously, did the prophet of islam PBUH say "thow shal not allow his woman drive a car or ride a camel"? I'm just going insane regarding this. And divorcing because the husband is not from a desired tribe? how did this evolve from islam?

I feel pitty for saudi girls..I really do.

And for jordanian girls too. Just yesterday, a father was convicted of raping (yes rape) his 2 daughters at the age of 8, and when they turned 15, after continious rape, they complained to the police. Guess what. The gave him six years jail, and because the mother dropped her rights, he got 3 years now in jail. Thats rape people. In the states, he gets many years in jail. And we blame the western laws and civilization? hell no, God bless america and it's judicial system.

Done.

Wicked thoughts

Ok...so I'm married..I know..and I know u know..but..but..ok. Well, I travel alot for business..but mostly in the states. My boss gets to do europe..while I'm stuck in north america. But thats not the problem.us see. I flirt..friendly flirt. I talk the talk, but never walk the walk.

When I was taking care of a french deligate, I took them to this dinner. they were 4, 3 guys, and hot knock out frenchie. I tried as much as possible to restrain my wicked mind from screwing up. But knowing myself, I always fail. So I was flirting with frenchie and talking about so many things. The conversation dragged to the nude beaches of france. My boss was winking at me to shut up, in a funny way. I just couldn't. Then frenchie hit me with the bomb. "you are a ladie's man aren't u". I sat back, paused for a moment, and said "no way..I just love to talk to women" with a wicked smile.

Then I started to flirt with the waitress. do u have a boyfriend" I asked. "yes I do, she answered". I quickly followed up with "well, sit down so I can tell you why you need to dump him". It was a lovely evening and all were laughing. My boss sat back and let me lead the night. When all was done, everyonr was happy.

Then few days later, a supplier took me to lunch. Again, my dilemma happened again. Nikki just looked fine. I asked one of the waitresses about her name. I called her to our table, and she came, eventhough this was not her table. I said "hi there...my name is bo3bo3, and I can figure out ur name with few seconds looking at your eyes" She was suprised when I told her that her name is nikki. So I started chatting with her, and at the end of the day, she gave me a piece of paper with her phone number. Then, I knew that my humor flirt was crossing the line. As always, I showed the paper to my wife and she shook her head saying "ma2oltelak ra7 teeji 3araasak ghazz fehalshaghleh" So now, I can never have lunch at TGIF in indianapolis west side.

I need to slow down..but what can I do. I just love sweet talking women..it's just in me. Nothing serious in my mind and no intentions..but..but..I need to stop this before it's too late.

Ok bo3bo3..think sweet thought..think mansaf..or magloobah with chunks of lamb swimming in the sea of love..I mean sea of rice soaked with eggplant and carrots..think man..think.

I want to die
(inspired by the song Vorreri Morire for Andrea Bocilli)

I want to die..in a field of heavenly grass
Starring at beautiful clouds as they pass
Feeling the western breeze toward me mass
As my soul departs ..leaving me a carcass

I want to die while seeing your smile
Watching you happy and in such style
Feeling your heart beating for a long while
Of happiness, as I walk the long mile

I want to die, while touching your face
Remembering your love, that I still embrace
Sweet memories that I can never erase
Leaving this doomed world, without a trace

I want to die, sitting beneath a tree
A happy ending, for we both agree
A love that is never meant to be
And doomed for failure, I’m glad that you see

But I know my death, as it will be violent
Screams and agony, but never silent
A wicked life, God knows how it was spent
Too late for any recovery, too late to repent

So go ahead, take such miserable soul
You are only leaving, an unnoticeable hole
In a beautiful world ….so magical as a whole
But this soul of mine, is simply out of control

So yes, I want to die..I daily for it, pray
Release my pain, and set me astray
From humanity that is in total dismay
Yes..I want to die..please….show me the way

AAA
4/17/2007