Oh Jordan

These days, summer time, this is the time of the year..when birds go back to the tree where they were at some point in time, an egg before hatching. Time when the geese fly home, time when the salmon wsim upstream to their birth site, time when the lust for birthplace is so strong. This is the time where jordanians go home, to see family, see the land they were born in. It's the time where amman streets are so busy, with the good souls of faithfull ones who went back home.
It is also time when those who couldn't make it back, to sit and sing the blues while getting drunk on the haunting memories of childhood. With pain that is intolorable tearing their inside out. So much hurting that thunderous storms ruining their souls constantly while calling home and hearing that so and so just went home from england, italy, saudiarabia, uae, and many other countries. So I decide to write this poem, and I doubt I could reply back to any comment. Thanks for reading.


Oh Jordan, what have I, to myself, done
This nightmare, when will it ever be gone?
This curse of mine, agony, a firing gun
Oh Jordan, have mercy on your beloved son

In my nights, as darkness sharpens it’s teeth
Preparing to slaughter, the knife is out of it’s sheath
Holding me down, to my throat it seek
Teasing my heart, to it, refusing to speak

Come on already, I beg of you to set me free
Take it from it’s misery, just let it be
Strike me, with will and mighty, to you I plea
As I watch that land, far away, across the sea

Only if I could fly, across the sea, through air
To the land that resides in my nightmare
To my loved ones, those for them I care
To touch the sand, not a moment I would spare

To see the night skies, and stars as they dance
To see the hills, of Amman, even a short glance
To feel the warmth of it’s wind, singing the song
Of my childhood, as I close my eyes, and sing along

Oh Jordan, it’s me, crying for your long waited love
In this domain of darkness, of you, I will always think of
I need you to sneak me out from my misery, I’m so weak
Hear my screams, of agony, I suddenly can’t speak

Will this nightmare ever end, or from my life disappear?
Wish it go away, not to ever come back, for it I fear
Sadly I realize that this is my destiny, it, to me so clear
From this cursed domain, I, my life, can never away steer

As I seek that corner, yes right there, realizing my doom
Bowing my head down, as I cry alone, isolated in my room
Letting that creature, agonizing me, and my heart, consume
With tears of sorrow, oh Jordan, I’m a prisoner of my own gloom

AAA 6/28/06

I will always love you forever

I wanna share with you a poem that I wrote to my wife yesterday, and hope that it finds a heart to like it.

I can glimpse the sunset
in your lovely eyes.
To me, you are a treasure
or special prize.
Although we have been distantand
and far apart.
Your love always live
within my heart.

I hope to see you
…..very soon.
To see your beauty
like the shining moon.
And when the day comes
to see you again.
My heart will shine
with no longer pain.

I know that often
it seems like I don't care.
But our bond is strong
that we have to share.
So believe me when I say
I promise… I'll always be there.

I’ll always be that someone
You will always lean on.
I will always be the hand
that, to it, you will hold on.
For we share that perfect love
that can never be bought or thrown.

And I hope this relationship
will never ever end.
To have the perfect life
I would, with you, spend.
I wish I wouldn't hide
the way I always do.
so all I have to always say
“I’ll, forever, love you”

AAA 6/25/06

A night in Chicago

I am a sucker for italian food. So as I was sitting in the hotel, one of my cowrokers called me for dinner. I told him the previous night that I heard of an italian restaurant called "toscany" in chicago's little italy. To my ruprise, we went there, invited by another three guys attending the same conference. As if the guys wanted to surprise me.

Now, there were no waitresses, all italian guys with heavy accent. We sat down, and out waiter came to us. His name was Sahul (pronounced sha-hol). He started by bringing bread, and roasted garlic, dipped in olive oil. He smoshed the garlic, added oil, and spread it on the bread and handed it out to us. He looked like the soup nazi from sinfield, wasn't smiling. We couldn't say no, because he was mkasher, and the garlic just smelled so nice.

Then I took him a side, and said "sahul, I heard that u guys make the best veal parmasian in the world, and it's not on the menue, and I'd like to try it) he starred at me, and said "you got it, I'll make it myself". he leaned to me, and kissed me on both cheeks, and said "are you sure your not italian?" because it seems that this a special dish that only few customers know about it. the guys were impressed with the whole thing. he then brought a bottle of wine, and said "you guys will buy this". Of course no one said no. they drank, and I didn't. Sahul didn't like me not drinking, but the veal parmasian was enough to cool his anger.

He brought me the parmasian, and some pasta on the side, and some fried calamary as well as tommatos covered with cream cheese and olives on the side. I didn't ask for that, but he brought it khawa.

To say the least, this was the best veal parmasian I ever ate in my life, with all sincerity. I ate like there is no tomorrow. It was a great dinner. I was bothered wth the smell of wine, but managed to overcome it with more garlic.

I then went to the bar to smoke my marlboro there. Sahul followed me and sat with me. I was worried that he has some intentions.He asked me "how did I hear about Tuscany's veal parmasian. I told him that an italian friend from indianapolise told me about it. He said "you have a good friend, because we don't make it to all, and it's not on the menue". We chatted for few minutes, enough to know he is a sicilian immigrated here 8 years ago and has 3 daughters.

I went back to the table, and Sahul brought me a frozen lemen ice. It was a lemon, emptied from everything, then italian icecream stuffed in it, and frozen.

I never been happy that much in a restaurant in my life. True that the bill was $270, but I felt so good there, specially that I didn't pay.So next time, when you guys go to chicago, get a cab and tell the driver to take you to Tuscany restaurante' in little italy in chicago (on west tayler street), and ask for Sahul, an old man with a thick hair and a mostach, and then ask for veal parmasian (not on the menue), you will be in heaven on earth. Check the pictures in the link provided here.

http://www.stefanirestaurants.com/tuscany.htm

666

ok..so I rushed out of work at 4 pm hoping to catch the 5 pm show near by. I was expecting some delays, but not like what I saw. The lines were long and traffic jam at the entrance of the mall. I was angry...I looked forward to seeing the movie tonight, but instead, went back to the room, and sat in isolation to punich myself for not being able to watch it, tonight.

I bet some are like me, have their own rituals when it comes to watching horror movies. The sound surround system, the lights off, the 2 candles lighting up the living room. Heck, I even kick my wife and junior out so I can hear every drop of sound in those movies. On ocasions, when the evil sneaks behind the scared girls who is trying to escape, and slowely approaching her, ahile she is screaming trying to open the jammed door, I say, on ocasions, I would jump scared, and then a big smile on my face screaming "yeah baby, thats damn good".

But tonight, I am misreable as I am deprived of the movie I was awaiting for on this day. Instead, i scroll through the darkside of the net trying to get a kick of any thoughts from any of the great members of that side to express their feelings about today.

aaaah what a sad day. So much for practicing the spell...so much for the ritual...aaas so much for the excitement.

So i call on the demons of the dark side of the web, come to my rescue..oh creatures of the night, come to me, I am awaiting on fire for your coming. Share with me the night. Share with me the ritual and the sacrifice. Let there be no sunlight before I feed my desires. If i could just go out now, seek a victim, insert my thirsty teeth into her neck, and feed on her life. Death does bring about life, so where are you. Lead me to the promissed state of mind. feed my lust to the flesh of the weak, and the blood of the mortals. I command you to seek me and to follow me to the feeding grounds.

ok ok bo3bo3 i see that the movie is affecting your state of mind, easy buddy, calm down, tomorrow is another day, and rest assured that a victim shall be yours in no time.

Momy..I'm gonna leave you, please don't cry

As she was busy all night preparing her suitcases and papers, her eyes were flowing a river of tears. The whole house was doomy like. Nothing but sadness. "Please don't leave us" her mom was begging the little girl not to leave. Dad was trying so hard to hide his tears, yet, all who were in the house felt the pressure inside him that wants to explode. But he had to remain calm...at least one has to be firm in this.
Morning came, and as the little girl was ready to ride the taxi to the train station, she looked back at mom....who was still in agony that her little sweet girl is leaving her... I say she looked at her, and ran back to give her mom one last hug before leaving....and looked her in the eyes and said
"I'm leaving today.
Mom, please don't cry.
I'll be back soon.
Wipe the tears from your eyes.

I'm leaving you Mom.
I am on my own.
Yes, it is scary Momy.
Never been away from home.

I'm leaving Momy.
I'm a big girl now.
I will miss you
But it's life, somehow.

I'm leaving ...Momy.
Please don't be sad.
You're the best mother
Anyone could have..."

I know that times like these are harsh on poeple. Specially girls, who are so mature, yet, in the eyes of mom will always be that little girl. Boys too.
When I was 17 and a half, i was shipped to the states. I remember my Mom begging my father not to send me alone, and told him that bo3bo3 should wait for his friends who are going to states in 2 weeks. My dad was rough...I know he was rough..He pushed her (kindly) away and swore that bo3bo3 will go alone to the states. I cried (yes an 18 years old man does cry)...I was confused. I didn't know what I wanted. Dad pushed mom away and got a hold of my hands and dragged me to the car. Mom crying. Sisters crying Bo3Bo3 crying. But my dad had dry straight eyes. Took me in the car, and I watched my mom sitting on the sandy ground in alain, UAE crying like someone who just lost a famimly member to death. Dad pushed me through the gate of abu dhabi airport, and walked away. I looked at him, but all I could see is his back walking away from me.
17 years later.....I know that my dad must have been crying on the 2 houre drive back to the house. I know he did...I am sure he did.Times like these, when little girls and little boys mature and it's time to fly away to reach the stars, or become someone out there. Time to pursue life. Time to see the world. Times like these are so harsh on all sides of the equation, the X's, the Y's and the constants. I can never forget that day...Learned two things from them, Parents go through a hard time to let go those little kids in their eyes, and number 2 I learned that these actions by parents do create who we are, how strong we could be, and how we would approach life.

How was your departure away from home?

The music and me

Ok I hope I'm not wierd....or is it too late? oh well.

I looooove music so much, maybe more than loving cooking on a weekend and mastering the art of creating exotic food. So, anyway, I love music. What kind of music you asked? will this is the wierdness in me. Here it goes.

I could be listening to my favorite group, Ambrosia, and specially the song "How much I feel" and would be floating on air. Not realizing that I am melted in this creative music style. Then suddenly, I would insert a CD for santana and go crazy on "Europa" and actually act like an idiot and pretend to play the guitar and move my fingers as if I was controling the guitar. On many ocasions, I would listen to my favorite classical collection, specially "the four seasons-my favorite is spring, whats yours?". Yanni, Metallica, Guns and roses, Lionel richie, deep purple, elron john, and many other artists have songs on one CD in my car. Flipping from one style to another in the same CD. Add on top of that, the great Miles Davis (specially sletch of spain). I just love music, pretty bad I guess.

I found a haven in music. You could actually get high (not that I recommend it at all...the getting high part) while listening to music. Following the notes, the trend, and the transition between them. No wonder I love Majda elroumy to death..and was happy that she got divorced, maybe she'll look at her number one fan finally. Ok I now sound like a majda maniac. Well....I am.

Or when listening to Jim Croce while singing Operator or time in a bottle. And to make matters worst, I adore Andrea Bocilli, eventhough I don't understand italian, but dudes and dudetts, this guy can take you from one world to another with a simple tone in his voice. My favorite is "Con tu Amor" in the CD Sentimento. Heck I love that whole CD.

Led Zippelin, White snake and Abdelmajeed Abdallah are part of my confusing world of music. I just love it...thats all.

Take me to the stairs of heaven, nowwwwww.

Time does pause, it's true

So as some of you may know that I have accepted a new job 2 months ago. This meant that I have to relocate. Hence, I had to leave my family behind (wife and son) in ohio while I move to indianapolis. Two months passed by so far, and finally our house in ohio is sold. In the same time, I am searching a new home here in indianapolis, and thanks to the internet, I can get with my wife on line and screen through the pages of homes that our agent sends to us daily.

I say two months passed by...and frankly, i felt time did stop on me. Stuck in a hotel all this time and for more time to come till my family moves with me here. There are things I learned from this process and it may help others there...maybe anyway.

I learned the value of family...my wife and my beloved son. Not being able to see them for long times..two weeks each time, made me realize their importance in my life. True I always valued them, but in the past 2 months, I discovered that their value in my life by far surpasses any expectation in my mind. It's not about the food or playing with bo3bo3 junior in the yard, or dining out all together as a family. But rather, it was about their simple presence. It's about seeing their faces every day. Talking to them. Sharing with them. On a typical rough day at work, I used to walk through the door, see my wife, and sit down. Her touch on my shoulder may not have meant alot to me back then, but now, I die to feel her hand comforting me after a rough day at work. Coffee, even though it's made the same way it used to be, but it lacks her hand handing me the cup with the most beautifull smile I seen in my life. I miss those times when junior asks me silly questions..and I would spend some time playing with him. His dinasurs, toy cars, and his coloring is what I miss the most. Ghorbah after a ghorbah is taking a toll on me.

I also learned that sacrifices are big in strengthening the family.All three of us did sacrify, for a better life and a better career in the future. We had to do this to improve our situation, financially as well is career. A single person may not understand these feelings, but when they get involved in creating a family and leading it through life hassles, they'll learn the importance of sacrifice. Making tough decisions, while planning for a better future.

I learned that life is not always smiling at us. Sometimes, things will look so harsh, so pale, yet, with a smile from our side, we can turn it around. Always thinking of the future does help. Giving up on early trials, or simply fearing change, will get us no where. This is the first time I go through such major change, and now I appreciate my parents when they had to do that. I remember my dad left us in jordan for 2 years and went to the UAE to work there. Then we followed him, an now I do realize what they had to do, for our sake.

I am a very happy person in my career and I excell so fast that surprises my bosses, and satisfies them. But I feel the price I am paying is a heafty one and heavy on the soul as well as the mind. However, I have my family's future in my radar and I'm always keeping an eye on it. We hate it now, but 3 months from now, when the wheel of time starts rolling again, we'll appreciate it as a one whole family.

So yes, time does stop......but it rolls back again if we hold on stronger.

Thanks for reading

Go on..walk out on me

I wrote this poem during my drive back to indiana. Hope someone may like it out there.

Go on..walk out on me

Part I. The past
Have I told you yet?
That I loved you
Have I showed you yet?
What your loveReally meant to me
With every step I takeI see you
With every breath I takeI feel you
Have I told you yet?
I wish I was a poet
To express my feeling
I wish I was an ill soul
To seek your healing
I wish I was a book
That you are reading
To tell you how I feel
Have I told you yet?
Something in your eyes
Something in your smile
Something in your voice
I haven’t told you yet
Have I?

Part II. The stab
A thousand knifes
No…NoA million cuts
No..not even that
A constant burning
In a flaming fire
You watched me burn
A persistent bleeding
On the slab of sacrifice
You watched me knealing
I could see your eyes
Staring at me
Feeling your grieving
Yet
Your hand never stopped
Slaughtering me
You rested your hand
On my forehead
I felt the warmth
After fearing to be dead
Your tears fell on my face
And, to you, I pled
Go ahead..walk out on me
You were never the first
But I promises
You shall be the last

Part III. The pain
I’d love to hate you
Forget you..or alone, leave you
I listen to the falling rain
To the calls of those in pain
I seek a sign, from those
who with you disagree
On your slab of sacrifice were slain
as they plea
It’s impossible for me
To tell you, or you to see
And my heart, from you to set free
From the mountains or the mighty sea
I’m chained, never able to flee
As you have awaken the freak in me
So yes, go on..walk out on me
You were not the first,
but the last shall be

Part IV. The verdict
My heart has been sealed
And locked to be panelized
To experience love, it, I prevent
For loving you, it’s criminalized
Stranger I shall remain, lonely
And constantly agonized
For no one should uncover this freak
Not the romans nor even the greek
As I surf alone in this bloody creek
Distend to be sealed, and never speak
For the moment love has made me sneak
A look at this world that we call unique
To be stabbed, with constant streak
All I wanted was…to be a no more freak
But the falling blood tears, from my eyes
will always leak
So yes..go ahead..walk out on me
You were not the first……
But I promise….
You will be the last

AAA 5/29/06

On your day

You may be ugly
but your my angel
You may be dry
But in you i see a fountain
You may be lifeless
Yet your why I live
You may be bitter
To me your the sweetes
You may not have mercy
But I can only rest in your hands
You may have angered so many
But my heart is so attached
They may say harsh things about you
But you are always sweet in my heart
You may not be remembered in your birthday
But I've been waiting for this day
To tell you I love you, adore you, need you
Happy birthday Jordan,
without you,
I am not who I am

AAA 5/24/06

Slipping away

I very honestly hesitates do much before writing this. Thats because it may send conflicting messages. However, I found that a fadfadah relieves the pressure that is building inside one's feelings or soul.

Many of us (if not all) claim that they control their lives when it comes to actions. They feel strong about themselves. They can swear to you that if they are find themselves in a specific situation, they would manage to take command of their ship, and sail to the safety of the shore. No need to be specific about what a situation may be, we all understand what it could be.

But how cananyone be sure that indeed they can control their ship? Have they been there? Have they gone through this route before? Experience plays a major part in the decision making when it comes to leading the ship through a thundurous storm and heavy rain, in total darkness of the night. We assume that we could easily do that based on our teachings, morals, and the fear of God. But until we specificallt are faced with such situation, how can anyone knows?

Many changes a person goes through in life. Many situations that will reflect on that person through the life course. But it takes time and actual struggle to build this strong person that can overcome such storm. It has nothing to do with age, not at all. A person could be.ummm 50 years old but if never faced with any storm wouldn't know how to deal with it. Exactly like engineering, what you learn at school (that means college), is very much different than real life engineering.

Hence, enter memories. yes memories. Those of you who seen the work of salvadore dali's "persistant of memories" understand very well that the mmories are the strongest component of a sucessful ship captain. These memories will remain, through the effect of time, and withstand all those materialistic components. They are the weapons and the tools that helps a person lead the ship. These memories don't follow the logic of science (unless you start inserting brain surgery factor into this matter).

Then suddenly, you find yourself alone in this ship, in the middle of total darkness, and heavy storm, seeking a light or any sign to help you captain this ship to safety. But all along, you don't know where to go. You have no cluse how to lead. You dig deeper in your mind seeking any help. And in your memories too looking for ways to study the matter, analyze it, and then perform the captainship you think you could. And if you don't find that, you look around for any other ship, and hope to God that the captain of the other ship is not as lost as you are, and maybe follow their lead.

All alone

Haven't been around alot lately. This is a poem I wrote today and hope that it finds a way to your hearts

All alone

Your touch is warm, as the candle next to me
But my heart is cold, as I wait alone…for you
I want to hold you, to feel you near me....
Deep within, I search for a sign, or a clue.

I am still alone.

I hear your voice in my head, a constant reminder
Feel the warmth in the air, it’s you who I desire
A ghost appears from the forest, is it you, oooh the fire
Then I realized, it can’t be you, maybe an outsider...

In this forest, I’m still alone

Nothing moves, no spark of life, not even a sound
So much emptiness, shadows, of the unknown
I sit alone all tired, against a tree that I found
Looking around for a sign, or a message on a stone

Left all alone

The wind started blowing, and the trees made such noise
Frightened, I got up running to all directions, scared
Screaming for you to hold me again, my heart it destroys
I am cold, from passion I’m naked, my insanity is declared

I am lifeless, for I’m still alone

I look at your picture, but all I get, is memories
A Shattered heart's stories, screaming loudly at me
As the night falls, and the rain falls like flurries
Down my face, I again get up, and my life I flee

Scared, I’m still alone

As the sky goes black, and the monsters of the night awaken
Turning my life miserable, constant agony, and sorrow
Could be I’m forgotten, and my soul is forsaken?
The tears running away, I wish I could see tomorrow

A constant reminder, I’m all alone

I hope to hear your voice, to lead me out of this
Or your gentle touch, against my weakened shoulder
Your face I wish for, and the sweet memories I miss
To bring me back from this nightmare, as I’m getting colder

But nothing I hear, just silence, as I realized the truth

Distend to be alone

AAA 5/20/06

You and only you

The wind blows wickedly strong
The moon is high.
Ashes fall like rain
From the blood stained sky.

The heart of the lion…amongst the desert sand
The moon above and the ground below
I shiver with emptiness beneath my cover
For you…..only you…could understand.

I stand alone, reflecting times that are gone
Before an audience of flaming sand
Out of the depths of these darkened wind
I cry unto you, ….for help.

You and I were so beautiful
While our time was cut short
It's hard to believe I'm so alone
And in these ashes I am standing without a sword.

I always knew…that I could fly
That in my dreams
I could take to the sky
You and only you, could hear these cries

But now I'm chained with a thousand chains
Each day, I awake, I awake alone
And my eternal hunger for you
Sucks out my little-remaining strength.

The world is so damn dark
It begins to rain
Every drop of blood in my vein
Tears me out, screaming of pain.

I can't believe I'm still alone
With sadness I watch, the vanishing throne
Forever upon the great stars of the night
You and only you, could help me fight

For no beauty has ever conquered
The lion’s heart
No, not even close
But I know, the moon never dies.

Bounded by those who I trust
Surrounded by those that understand
I'd hold you here always if I could
For I can still hear you singing to me.

The winds come again
The breeze is closer and closer
Must be you, and only you
I could finally ..............see your face.

AAA 5/1/06

Haunted for eternity

Over the past years, I devoloped myself to be a strong person. A person who could easily manipulate life course to direct it into his direction. A person who is able to withstand whatever comes his way. Pain, suffering, and joy, I was able to absorbe. Yet, like everyone else, I have this wicked nightmare that is haunting me for eternity.
This is a funny type of nightare. It's a nightmare that you tend to cry your heart out because of it, yet, you are so addicted to the pain that u feel angry upon waking up from such nightmare, wishing to jump back right in ur sleep, to re-live that nightmare over and over and over and over again.
I see myself sitting on top of this small hill, overlooking small vallies with shipherds and their sheep roaming the desert. A breeze is suddenly flowing from behind me. I reach with my right hand and grab a hold a handfull of sand, then pour it and watch this gbreeze taking small sand particles in it's direction. I then see myself laying on my back right at the sunset time. watching the stars appearing one after another in this beautifull dark skies. I'd feel that I'm in heaven. But wait a minute bo3bo3, youve seen this before. You've lived this before. Where is this place?
Then it ocurs to me. This is the same exact hill on the outskirts of 6abarboor in amman. This is home :cry: . This is heaven. But why r u in agony bo3bo3? Let go man, let go.
Suddenly, my heart takes over control and refuses to let go. Inner cries screams so loud, yet I'm the only one hearing them. Inner tears are flowing like rivers of blood, yest I'm the only one witnessing them. Misery, suddenly, has a new meaning to me. Agony is re-defined in my dictionary. Suffering seems reachable, finally. Wake up bo3bo3, wake up from this nightmare, get back to realty. My brain is screaming at my heart to let go. Let go for crying out loud.
Then my wicked doomed mind takes over, and forces me out from this nightmare. Damn u I say. Damn u oh wicked mind. Send me back to my nightmare. Send me back to my pain. Sweet pain that is. Let me feel this agonizing moments. Leave me alone I scream. Leave me alone, damn u.
Wished that I could jump back into my darkened nightmare. Wished to scream more and more. Wished to see those rivers of blood flowing again, for they are the only thing that leave me insnae. Damn sanity.
just a fadfadah, nothing more.

Forgive me

I want to watch the sky with you
Scan the stars for lighting thoughts
Draw Pegasus in the clouds
Count the starts around the moon.

It will be warm with a little breeze
That draws us closer and closer.
The world will melt, and oceans freeze
so much life but time will cease.

We will know us
There would be no doubt.
Some ancient memory

We will wake us
Take us dreaming.
The curtain will rise

We will see us
In white light, then silently
Like leaves

We will hold us
Then will fall asleep
Honored and at ease.

Huh, wishful thinking.
While were sinking
In our misery
Thick dark cloud
Blocks out the sky
But I would crave
That edge of madness
That blissful fall.
Deaf, blind, and dumb
Hovering in mortality.

So like some bloody hunter
I stalk your footsteps
Right behind you unseen

Then suddenly
At a street corner
We will meet
Face to face
Heart to heart, And nose to nose
The doors will close
And we would be imprisoned by
Our suicidal love.

Forgive me for not reacting to
Those sweet, passionate eyes.
I could not afford the pain of your love.
For the sake of both our lives.

AAA 4/21/06

The concept of time?

everything has a begining and an end, then where is the begining and the end of a circle?
If the time concept has a starting point, and an end point, then why the start and the end point of a square are the same? are we to go back to the point of start? Then what?
What if you can sneak a look at the future, without time travel? Instein never said that you can't look into the future, but he did say that physically, you can never be in the future.

Some researchers look at the time concept as a wheel, and the fact that with the correct energy (theorotically), we can get out of this wheel (like quantom physics). But many researchers fail to relaize one thing.

Thats is :what is the concept of time? here is something to scratch the surface of this issue. Is time, the turning of this wheel (i.e. revolution of earth...) or it's something else?

Well, imagine that you stopeed this revolution, hence, the time is stuck now, say at 5 pm afternoon. Now, 20 years later, would you look the same as you do now? Keep in mind that we stopped the physical revolution of earth. Or you will look 20 years older? If the answer is the latter one, then time is being missunderstood. It's not the revolution of earth, but something that we don't understand, yet we feel, and live every day. It's something that you can not control.Think of it this way. To control time, it means that you will control all things that are assoicated with it, such as the day and nigh; and the aging process. Can u stop the aging process?

The blind heart.

The phone rings. Who could call at this time. Hello, I said. I could hear crying on the other side. Hello i said, again. She is still crying with a little hello she replied. "I hate bad news" I said to myself. Yes, who is there. She replied with her name. a name I could easily recognize. What happened now. Why the crying? Are you alright? I bombarded her with a question after another. Her reply was........."he is dead, 7ammoodeh is dead".

Suddenly, I felt conflicting emotions. Part of me was happy that he died, yet another part was sad. Before you judge me on such reaction, please walk with me in the past to see the roots of such emotions on my behalf.

This woman married some years ago. We know her, close friend of the family. Her first child was a beautifull boy, and she named him mohammad. He was adorable. Healthy. Always running around. Beautiful eyes, and a magical smile. At the age of about 18 months, he suffered a heat stroke, and his temperatures shot up high. He was taken to the emergency room, where he was treated. Sadly, it was too late as the stroke damaged his brain some how.

Since then, muhammad was acting differently. That child doesn't run anymore, and even, he can't sid down no more. Then his parents noticed the symptoms of damag of the brain. His mother was devistated with this. This was her prince, hopes, and pleasure. Now, all those dreams that she had for him, shattered like a cheap glass window.

She had a couple of more children afterwards. Both healthy, but muhammad kept her agony. She never lost hope, allthough we may all do.

11 years later, mohammad died. And I honestly felt happy. Time to move on. She suffered alot for her child. She never seem to loose hope. What hope? marriage? starting his own family? education? Yet, when many of us may loose hope, she never did.

Back to the present. I told her "sheddy 7eelek emm m7ammad, inshalla ra7meh, wkhalleeh yertaa7 weyrayye7" Thats when she got angry and I could tell that her crying got worse and worse. "but who told you that I was wishing for that, thats my son" she replied. I tried to explain to her that he is now in good hands, an angel in heavens, and that Allah has chosen that he departs. Still, she was crying as is she really had hopes. Oh no bo3bo3, who are you to judge her if she didn't have hopes. She lost her son, nomatter how brain damaged this child was, thats her son, her flesh and blood, 13 years of cinstant sacrifices on her behalf, where some of us may simply give up way too sooner.

Thats when I gave the phone to my wife hoping that she comforts her a little. Now I feel sad for emm m7ammad, for she is a mother who lost a child. period. a child, not a brain damaged child. Who am I to deprive her from the moment of sadness for the departure of her son, regardless of his mental health. Who am I?

Suddenly, I realized that I didn't fully understand the heart of a mother. When we see things, we tend to analyze matters based on materialistic things (in general). yet, the heart of a mother is blind. It only sees the flesh and the soul of the child that the mother held for 9 months inside her body. She cared for this baby. So who am I to deprive her from a normal reaction any mother would have. Thats when I realized I've done wrong for such emotions. This was muhammad, and whatever dreams and hopes she had for him, are as pure and legitemate as they can get.

The above was a true story that happened to me about 2 years ago, and the mother and the child are real. God bless your soul oh muhammad, and God bless the heart of this great mother. Nomatter how hard we try to describe it's greatness, we always come short to fully and fairly describing such heart.

The Blade of Trust

blood is falling down the wall
I've lost it all, yes again
my sanity has hit the floor
and my thoughts live agony and pain
I slip into the stain down the drain
to see the blade cut me loose
I am fallen , yet again


This is my underworld
overwhelmed with darkness
It's all I have
The shadows always come alive
and take the pain away
the sky splits, opens wide
and thunder is my only music
and i'm taken down my submission to the dead


Fall away , hide, fade
there’s nothing left of this mind
I’m getting closer and closer
to falling off the edge
my loneliness, is my only comfort
the voices, have started to stray
and I can feel fading away

can you help me out of this ?
can you wash away these years?
can you save me from this?
the pain, sarrow and all my fears........
can you see this dream i see?
can you shed blood tears, just like me
you wouldn't know this to be real
Can you save me……..
from the blade of trust

I have sinned

yep, I did. I stand in front of you all and seek forgiveness. I seek forgivenes from my wife and my son for I have sinned the big sin. But I also want to express my weakness, not to give myself an execuse or justification. Damn it, I have sinned.

I never thought I'll ever make such sin. I know that I am weak, and I know that I can cave in for pressure, but to commit the great sin, I never imagined myself doing so. So i stand before you, weak, naked from any mask or cover, and ashamed of what I did. Have I gone back in time, jut 2 days, i would have never sinned. But a weak bo3bo3 is typical in our days these days.

I have sinned, a sin that many of you would feel strong against. Yet, my macho manhood, or that "guy thing" song I keep singing failed me.

But before I tell you my sin, I ask all of you to not view me based on this sin, but to view me based on what you know me with. For a moment of weakness shouldn't be the basis of judgment.

I have sinned, forgive me all, specially my wife and my close ones. I declare that I have failed you, when you were looking at me to lead. I have failed you when you rely on me to stirr the ship. I have failed you when you have your total trust in me.

I have sinned, yes, I did. I am drinking a decafe coffee now after all those years of macho manhood of full thrust of cafien dose, so will you find it in ur hearts to forgive a weak soul, like this one?

What makes you more jordanian than me?

Recently, I read a post for hareega somewhere, about "who is a typical jordanian", that stirred up some emotions and feelings in me from prior experience.

You see, there are two facts here, one the fact that I'm orginally from palestine (granpa born in palestine, and dad in jordan). the second fact that I feel just as jordanian as any one else who can trace his/her ancestors to the land of jordan.

Now, why am I writing this? Well, some time ago, my jordanianism was questioned on the basis that my grandpa was born in palestine. That troubled me somehow, becuase many people missunderstand the name "jordanian".

So I turn the table around and ask "what makes you mkore jordanian more than me, him, or her?". Seriously

Does the fact that his grandpa was jordanian, makes him/her automatically jordanian?

Thats what lead me to this analysis that may back fire at me. We tend to take "jordanianism" for granted simply because my grandpa had sex with grandma in jordan, and taraaaaa, bo3bo3 is born a jordanian.

To me, one should question him/herself about this term "jordanian". It;s not a lable, but a responsibility. The respnsibility to love (for good and for bad) this land. To bare arms protecting it from the enemy. To participate in activities and actions that makes this land and it's people move forward. But to sit back, relaxed, and claim this honorable name, only on the basis of where grandpa was born?

I know that the majority of jordanian do realize this fact, but there seems to be a minority that assumes jordanianism onloy based on birth. We all know that nearly 50% of jordanians are of foreign origins, syrians, palestinians, and iraqi's. But do we know how many of them held arms defending this land, while their blood quinched the thirst of this land to honor, protect and serve?

Being a jordanian is not a gift or automatic assumption, but a label that comes with responsibility. And what more than blood would anyone gives to protect the land and it's people. So, what makes you jordanian more than me, him, or her? Everyone of us should ask this question, and attempt to answer it.

I tell ya one thing. I am a jordanian, and so is my dad, and for the very small minority that think otherwise, I challenge and ask "what makes you more jordanian than me?".

Unheard screams

why is white pure, and black is evil?
Light is good and darkness is wrong?

How do come to such conclusion? Isn't things are relative? oh well, thats not the point. The point here is all about darkness, blackness, and it's beauty.

For so many ages, darkness has been the target of criticism, and accusations. Evil is associated with darkness. Yet satan was created from fire.

aaaah, darkness..if only people could see how beautifull it is.

If we let our minds and imaginations seek it's beauty. Darkness ....unknown, hidden beneath the shadow of whatever is blocking the light. Each one of us has two creatures living within, the person that we see (flesh, and blood) and the shadow of him/her. I learned how to appreciate this shadow, and sometimes let it express itself, as long as it doesn't hurt the others. Wicked thoughts, we all carry. Deep personalities that are beneath the masks.

Do this excercise. Write down your thoughts, without screening them, seriously, without any limitations, and you'll be surprised of what you discover.

Darkness is beauty, but we chose not to see it.

A satanic worshipper, I'm not.
A darkened soul, yes I am
Seeking the beauty of the hidden treasures
of the soulm the mind, and the fantacy

A satanic worshipper, i shall never be
for my crime is only self expression
For beauty is not for the bright ones
but for the dark ones, it shall be

and the years may have tought me something, that many will refuse to even hear. and that is:

darkness arrives and then it fades,
running through this awfull maze,
am I lost will I soon be found
running barefoot on the ground
a twisted soul that cannot sleep
save me now for soon I’ll weep
can you hear me as I scream
save me from this awfull dream
as I wake I look around
and darkness still is all around



The candle light reflect upon the walls as I
Look up at my cieling at night.
I can feel the sorrows of my life
Creeping upon me once again.
Fillings of pain and agony from my old life
Depression and sufering taking over my new life.

Memories of the past wont leave my mind.
Pain and hate running again through my veins.
Scares and bruises remind me of the pain I once felt.
As I walk I can hear the chaines that hold me to this life of mine.

Its as if Im a prisoner,
Stuck here for all eternity.
Know what life brings
And I really want out.

All life gives is pain and suffering
For all to see. Revenge is what I seek.
My life has been getting harder The older I get.
The pain I feel is locked up inside.

The sadness in my life is easy to see When you look into my eyes.
All I ever hear is yelling and screaming.
I cant even tell right from wrong,
Do you see it in my eyes?