Twisted Soul

I was watching the movie "interview with a vampire" and got inspired to write this poem. this poem is not about the life of a vampire, but something close to, and hope that you find it ok.

As the raindrops hit my face
and as I stare at this world
Watching these dark clouds
life's mysteries unfold

Life is not for me to find
its secrets i seek no more
what Im looking for are answers
not of life, but of sweet death

My existence, death cant be called
nor to life I cant make claim
by God, alive, I was made
and by man, my death is named

exhausting out my life’s flesh
to satisfy his starvation call
then filling me with life again
though im not alive, not at all

survival and reality would be
better suited terms
for what would be a life
Except darkness will destroy

forced to walk in the shadow of evil
with few companions in the dark
and even they don’t cheer me
as Im forced to consume their hearts

this life is empty and is so dull
and lonely to the soul
for to find a friend I’d damn them
and thats too expensive of a toll

so forever I shall lonely wander
in the darkness and in the night
wishing for a second death
to take me in its might

AAA (Bo3Bo3) 1/30/2006

Stop

Sometimes, and when lots of things happen around you, things that you can explain and accept, and things that u can never explain nor accept, one needs a vacation. Vacation for the mind and soul. One needs to tell himself "stop, yes stop, forget all this, and take your mind awaaaaaaaaaay from such environment". Don't know if it will help or not, but do you feel so too? Overwhelmed with things in your life, that you scream for a stop sign somewhere, just to catch your breath and reflect or reanalyze the situation.

Stop. How can you creat such stop signs for you? Force you to stop, literally stop and don't think about it.

Yeah we hear lots of shrinks keep saying "will you have to think of a good place, or you need to take it one step at a time", or whatever they say to comfort their patients. But that ain't easy.
A stop sign is all I need once in a while just to sit down, relax, reflect, and analyze. But the life's routine is chasing me and I don't seem able to create such points in my life. Gotta run all the time. Time is money . No time for thinking the decision. No room for slackers. Life is a wheel, and you can't stop it, so you better be analyzing while it's going. ufffffffffffft

Stop. That’s all I need, for just few days, damn it, few days all i ask. But it ain't working at all. Thing after thing after another thing and then something, always chasing me and demanding quick response, or reaction.

Wouldn't be nice if you can stop the wheel, and escape to some place where you take your mind off, and install another mind that is free of duties, or previous emotions, or even any thoughts. Stress, after stress.

Stop, that’s all I look for these days.

At a crossroad

One of the worst thing I think about is to come at a cross-road and pick a route. I hate that. I really do. Marriage, job, moving, love, buying, selling, saying, and many many more things in our life that brings us to a full stop and demand from us to make the choice.At that instant, your whole life in the past, as well so many speculations overwhelm you with thoughts. What if....well, what if..... You keep saying that for so many hours calculating every step you have to take. It;s like playing chess, only chess is controlled by you (and your opponent), but life is controlled by the almighty.During such time, I get depressed so bad, and start going crazy in my thoughts. I start plugging in formulas in my mind to make sure that I make the best choice. Especially when you have a family to drag with you. Any wrong step or move, and you'll be haunted with the guilty feeling for long time. Such feeling will for sure depress you, and where is Prozac when you need it.What do we want? Damn it what is it? If I live in this routine life, I complain about the lack of action. If I get the action and would have to step up to the plate and make the decision that will affect me and my family, I start complaining too. Damn it, where is that bottle of prozac I got the other day.
If only life was simple, but with a little touch of excitement. Naaa, what am I saying? That’s bad. Actions and excitement is what makes life worth living. No pain, no gain. You gotta live some days where you feel that the you will have to make the most important decision in your life.
Or maybe it’s just because I live in ohio, the land of moonshine (200 proof home made liquor that will make your stomach scream begging you for drinking sulfuric acid instead) and that all ohians are crazy like scared of decisions?

I still have you in my dream

Fallen shadows of my dream
kiss my mind at night, as I scream.
I can feel your touch and it feels so right.
If you have my heart, just hold it tight,

I never want to slip away, or even fade.
Take a journey to my soul, give it a shade
Take a journey into me, I know it’s uneasy
Twisted visions scrambled with erotic ecstasy.

Am I dreaming of you or your just a fantacy.
Can this be true…….. is it a reality.
Come into my world and dance with me
Let me touch you, love you endlessly.

I've learned to cope with this empty feeling
it is of you that I am always dreaming
As pathetic as it look or seems........
I still hold you close to me in my dreams

You give the chance, and I will show you
That love is what my heart always brew
And over and over again, I will make you
Reach the stars, yes my love is true

But when I awake the dream is over
And day after day I grow colder and colder
And though you were with me, and we all were free
I still have part of you that is everything to me

As pathetic as it look or seems.....
I still have all of you in my dreams

So you think you figured out love

So you think you figured out what is love. Really, you do? I don’t. I keep hearing so many definitions..and and … and classifications of this thing called love. So confusing and so theorotical definitions. They tell you that you know you are in love when you feel an increase in heart beat, or or maybe some weird feeling inside your body. I am having hard time believing that.
Love is when you feel that you can not simply live if that person doesn’t exist. Naaa, that’s bologna.
Maybe love is when you feel so happy and joyful around someone. Again naaaaa, can’t buy that.
Many poets sung the love stories, and supposedly romeo and juliet, or 3antar w3ablah, or 3adnaan walina (the cartoon) would give us hints on what is love. Come on Bo3Bo3, those plays or stories are simply a reflection of how the author thinks about love.
What is love (baby don’t hurt me no more, courtesy Nasnas)? There are somethings that happen when love is around that are unexplainable. Love doesn’t follow the laws of physics, nor they follow the laws of common sense. Yes, you read it right, “common sense”. Love doesn’t follow that. It just happens. And don’t you try to sell me this thing about chemical reactions, no, I refuse to accept that. Love just happens. Why, how, and where, and even to whom? No one can explains it. How many girls loved their teachers? How many boys loved women who were older than them, and LOOL these women were actually married. I remember the time when I loved our neighbors wife. I was maybe about 16. Morahaqah u said? I don’t care what u call it. It was sweet feelings.
Sometimes we end up loving people that we never imagined we would. That’s because love is uncontrollable. It just happens.
So you think you figured out Love? Something goes inside you that you can not explain. It just happens, not following any rules. True that in the end you can control how this love is gonna affect the future, but you simply can not explain how it started.

And for you, I have this poem:

The Impossible Love

Tell me,about love, how does it happen
It tortures the heart, and it’s wounds it deepens
Nights and days of suffering, how it all started
Simple feelings just filled the heart and never departed

I do nothing, just waiting for the explanation
If I could only understand this infatuation
But deep inside of me, I know that my sensation
Is gonna die, but not before it causes my heart mutation

If I could cross the seas and the oceans
Just to be able to express my true emotions
If I could neglect all the rules of man
Just to hold you so close to me, wish I can

But it’s only wishes that will never come true
For you know it just like I do
For now, we can only enjoy this magic
Of love, that will die so tragic

I’ll cherish the moments with you in my mind
Today my love for you is alive and is blind
Until destiny decides to hold the sword high above
And then send the blow that will end this love

AAA (Bo3Bo3) 1/18/2006

Seek the truth no more

We are trained to search for the truth, at a very early age. You asked mom or dad "yo pops, mom, how did I come to this life" and they answered you "tomorrow you'll know". They know the truth, yet, they want you to go through the "correct" process when searching for the truth. In school, university, and even in life, you spend so much of your time searching for the truth.

By the time you finish college, you will be trained so darn good on how to seek and search for the truth. True love, true life, true future, true feelings, and all sort of true stuff.

Then you get married, and now you have a job. .............. and the search stops. It stops I tell ya. You have found the answers for so many things in life, from true love, to true feelings to true "present". That is it.

What do you mean that is it? well, it's just that is it. No more searching. No more seeking. Now you just find a place in this routine life and do the same everything day in and day out. Now you just have to spend time till your day comes. You start telling yourself "I have found my true me, my true love, my true job, my true God (or no God), my true....hummmm...my true "life".

Is this what I was trained all my early years for? This is it? It was fun when I had to search and seek, and research again for the truth. Life meant something back then. My mind was eager to find answers. Eager to find a true love. Eager to find out about God. Now I have found all what I was searching for. Now all i do is go to work in the morning, and go home in the evening. Only to enjoy life for a couple of hours by spending time with my true love, or reading a book, or what have u.

Is this is it? It can not be. It shouldn't be. Challenges are what give a taste to this life. Happiness is a great goal, but if it was without sorrow and sadness, it has no taste. Money is great, but if you don't go through hardships, it won't taste as great. Health is really good, but if you don't go throw sickness and pain, it would mean nothing. But those were physical aspects. What about the brain?

Yes what about the brain, and the soul. I seek challenges for the brain and the soul, yet I can not find any. My brain is seeking answers no more. My soul has settled out for the true God, and it is not accepting anything short of that.

Life is funny somehow. You climb Mount Everest, the greatest mount, and you go through hardship to get up there, and you finally reach your destination. Now what?

The soul and the mind strives on challenges, and if you don't have any, you should find some, because if you don't, you will be just another worker in the animal kingdom, going to work every day, in this killing routine.

don't know how to find challenges for the mind and soul.

Screams

Where do I begin. hummmmm, lets see.
I sometimes that there is a scream inside of me that is not heard by anyone else. I can hear my screams. They are deep within, and locked by my doomed mind. You see, my mind has way too much control over my innerself (and maybe all of us the same).
My soul goes through an agonizing process, where, u can scream, but no one can her u. You can be baaaaaaaaad boy, but keep it within. You can be evil, but u better look good on the outside. Always, this struggle and agonizing war is in flames inside of me. So far, it seems that the mind is in control and the armies of common sense and logic are winning, but not a decisive win. I can sense the forces of wickedness, and evilness, and even weird feelings, are gathering their troops and waging small wars inside.
Somehow, you manage to draw this beautiful smile on your face, and this..this..well this perfect laugh. Yet, deep inside of you, no one can hear your cries. Don't blame them, but blame the mind, indeed.
How can you numb the brain, so the forces of the revolution inside of you can come out, just for few moments, just for damn few moments. I wish there is another way other than a bottle of conjak or 3arag. I wish there is a better way.
I wanna scream at so many things, so many damn things, but I can not. No it's not the chemicals I deal with. Rules, rules, rules, red lines, then rules again that are acting as a big wall preventing my innerself from screaming what it really wants to scream about. Do I have to drink alcohol to have some kind of breach at these walls so my innerself can come out for few moments? I'm not willing to do that, never ever again.
Then how can I satisfy the desires, and come out? One of these days, i wanna come out and tell exactly how I feel about life, politics, social, behaviors, love, yes love, and so many other things that are kept in this deep well, and hidden behind this nice looking charming mask I am forced to wear?
How can you come out? the joy and the laughter that may accompany such "coming out" is so damn...whats the word I'm looking for..yes..so damn "innocent" and so damn "real". But why would u wanna ruin a nice painting that has nice looking background, and trees, and ..and children playing and a small boat in the far distance, now why would u wanna ruin that for a simple few moments of "coming out"? Is it worth it? damn yes. Can u do it? damn no.

Is democracy good for us?

"what is the true definition of democracy".

So, we keep demanding and asking for democracy. Do we really need democracy? Do we like "the rule of the majority"? Or there are certain guidelines or rules that dictates this democracy?

If a company asked it's employees to decide on how much the raise is to be in their sallaries, many will demand 20%. If they did that, will there be any company?

If the majority of the passengers of a cruise ship wanted to go to Argentina through a storm, they maybe no ship few days later. If the majority wanted to install ben laden as the president of Saudi Arabia, there maybe no Saudi Arabia few months later.

So, there must be lines that dictate how much democracy can we have, right?

Here comes the dilemma. What control these lines? Religion? Morals? Common sense? Well, the dilemma is that we don't even agree on these terms.

Who's religion? Islam? I would agree, but lots of seculars and Christians (and even some muslims) wouldn’t.

What morals? My western affected morals or the morals of a conservative Jordanian (or any nationality) that looks at me with a :re: look when I say statements like "$hit happens". Or when they even give me the same look when I claim that it is ok for a man and a woman, strangers, sit in a restaurant, talking about anything.

What common sense? That when I see a man and a woman kissing behind some wall, that I should scream and gather the crowd around them? Or simply make a small noise to let them know I am present so they can either stop or go somewhere else?

Democracy is a failure (I think) because it has to be controlled by guidelines, and because the guidelines are different from one religion, tradition, or race to another.

What do u think? :???:

From deep within

Out of all typs of pain I endured, one pain I am yet to adapt to. I had kidney stones, lower back pain, car accidents injuries, fights injuries, I say I had almost all, but one pain that I am yet to learn how to over come. That pain is because by one simple cause, it’s the pain of home sickness and my love to Jordan.

How can overcome such misery? Every damn day I have Jordan on the back of my mind. I hooked my laptop to my tv so I can watch Jordan TV. I look for anything that is made in Jordan when I shop for groceries. I mentions Jordan every time I talk about the beautiful things in my life, and I the same time, the worst pain I live through.

They say that ghorbah is dangerous, and every year you stay away from home, it becomes more difficult to go back one day. It's like a small seed you plant, and every day, the roots get deeper and deeper into the ground that it becomes difficult to rip the tree off the ground once it becomes a tree. I fear that pretty much. I had to leave Jordan when I was 7 years old (thanks dad) to the uae, and then came straight after high school to the states. I was deprived from living my childhood years in Jordan, and I am deprived to live my best years too.

Every time some of my friends go to visit Jordan, I get depressed for few days. And every time they come back, I get depressed too. Do I sound sissy? I don’t give a damn, seriously I don’t. I consider myself to be anti depression as I always look for fun things to do and say. I manage to make so many people around me laugh. Yet, from deep inside of me, there is this little child that screams day and night “take me home bo3bo3, take me home, damn u”

Here comes the hardest part. “why don’t u simply pack and leave bo3bo3?” LOOOOOOOOOOOOL sounds so easy, but he who has his fingers in water is not like the one who’s fingers in fire. Yes it ain’t easy no more when you have a family to lead into the safe shore. Family and job are like the shackles that holds you to the ground. Imagine you are drowning in the sea and you move your hands so hard to rise up to the surface so you can breath, yet you can not because your legs are tied to the bottom of the lake.

How the hell do you cope with such pain? I have no idea. Please don’t anyone tell me “just go home every year for vacation. I would, if I have money, damn money. I never like money, but now I wish I have lots of it, or maybe enough of it just to buy tickets and go to Jordan evey year.

Oh well, as they say in hillbilly ohio, “###t happens”

Children's Toys

The eid is knocking on the doors. This past eid, bought junior some toys that included cars, action figures, and u know, dinosaurs’ figures. Just like a normal dad would do to a normal son. He is 4 years old now.
After the eid, we had a gathering, guys gathering. a couple of doctors, an engineer, and a manager, and so on. They started talking about the toys they got for their sons (some how, they didn’t mention anything about their daughters, ma3aleena).
One doctor bought his son (I think his son is 7) a scientific encyclopedia for children along with some "science projects for kids" kits. The other doctor bought his 3 years old son a "how to build a ropbot' kit that involves lots of work and lots of thinking. All dads described the toys and how science oriented they are. Then came my turn "so what did u get junior this past eid?" one asked.
Hummm, I looked him straigh in the eyes and sayd "cars and figures". The manager dude asked me "oh, u mean "building kits" where u build cars and airplanes?".
Hummm, I looked him straight in the eyes again and said, "no, just regular battery controlled cars and plastic figures".
They all became quiet, and some how I felt as if I was gonna be the main attraction for the rest of the evening. I told them "look guys, I just don't want junior no living his childhood, and kids like toys not science projects"
"but these are toys that will help your son become smarter and science oriented person at an early age".
That ticked me off. I don't want him to be an inventor or a robotic engineer. Well, let me draw that back, actually, I would love it if he became that, but not on the expense of his childhood joy. I want him to run, make a mess, act stupid, chase girls, dirty his clothes and the carpet, and I want him do the butterfly on the snow that is on our front yard. When he grows older, then he becomes whatever he becomes, but for God sake, he is only 4. What goes in the mind of a 4 years old boy trying to build a model plane, while looking outside his window and sees other kids having a snowball fight?
I think many parents are making a big mistake by overwhelming their little children with "nerd" toys thinking that this will produce a doctor or a scientist. Newton was an idiot when growing up, wasn't he?
I just want junior to be normal kid, just normal. Not stupid, and not too smart. There will be more days to come inshalla where I get the chance to talk to him about science and math, but for now, I just want to see him running in the yard and dirty his cloths while playing with his cars and dinosaurs.

So this coming Eid, he wants this nice big hummer car, like almost half of his length, and is chargable and radio controlled (not expencive, around $70). And that he shall get inshalla.

After Christmass Sale

You know, guys are supposed to me guys, and you may have heard the term "it’s a guy thing" many times. I always believed that shopping is for women. Spending hours in the mall screening sales, and new clothes is never a guy thing. When a guy goes to the mall, he would directly go toward sears or bestbuy to check the new power tools, and big screen tv’s. On occasions, he would stand for like 30 minutes in front of this big screen TV just imagining how beautiful his living room would look with the addition of this TV to it. And how lovely it is when he is watching the superbowl or the Roseball football matches while sitting with his friends.

So I was married for 5 years, and over the past years, I found myself slipping into the women’s dark world of shopping. Lately, I’ve been spending hours in the mall, going to GAP for kids, and screening through the 50% and clearance sale racks of women’s cloths. I never imagined that I’ll be this weak, but realty hurts, doesn’t it.

This past weekend, I went to the mall, alone, at 800 am, while the wife and junior were asleep. I went directly to the women’s cloths, and fought my way through a sea of hungry for clearance women. Many of them looked at me a weird look, as if they were wondering "is this guy lost? Does he know that this is women’s cloths? Is he a cross-dresser?". I didn’t care, I just wanted to buy women’s cloth, it is the clearance season, right after Christmas.

Rack after rack, I drove my way through the sea of all women and not one man, except bo3bo3. I even fought with a woman for a nice beautiful jacket. She was looking at it, and I was waiting to jump on it the minute she puts it back. Well, she did put it back, and yes I did jump on it like a hungry wolf jumping on a lamb. She looked at me and said "I’m not done looking at it" but I said "it was on the rack, not in your hands" and turned away and kept moving while she said "what a jerk". Like I care anyway. The cjaket was so damn beautiful, and until now, I don’t even know what was it’s size, I just wanted it it, it looks good on my sister.

By the end of the day, I spent $380, and bought so many things. Heck, I got a $40 shirt for $1.78, that’s over 95% sale. Damn it, look at me, I even sound like a woman talking about what a deal it was. What’s wrong with me? Maybe it is time to visit my shrink again.

Arabic video clips

Folks, did you notice, or it is just me?
In the past 3 years, we have had more singers than we probably had in the 10 years previouse to that. Is this like a direct result to the way arabic music videos are going? So many new names, and so many new ways that one seems to have hard time keeping up with.

The other day, I was watching the new vido clip for majda alroumy (I forgot the song, but I think it's called al7obb wal3afaaf???). Then soon after that video, a new video clip for a singer called dana (??) and it's called "boss ely, 7ar2oslak 3alwa7dah wnoss...". In the beginning of that clip, a writings on the screen said in arabic "for the first time, a new singer without any plastic surgery". What the hell? Anyway, the singer dances like a stripper and shows way way way too much of her body and seductive moves.

I've seen many more videos along that line. The reason I watch them because my wife takes control of the remote control while I surf the net on my laptop.

So, why are the video clips going this route? Oh, you are asking me about this route. my bad.
This is what I think the route is:
1) sexy female singers dancers moving their bodies in a seductive way
2) Male singers who jump up and down pretending to be michael jackson or that spanish dude (the live lavita loca thingie)
3) Words that don’t relate at all to the video clip (like that "chad" gay looking dude)
4) mexican/salsa/jamaica style dancing that has nothing to do with arabic at all

So, that was the route. What are the possible causes?

1) Demands from the new generation of arab youth, as we know in economics, supply and demand, if there is a demand, there will always be a market
2) The strive to change, even if it was a negative change
3) The phenomena of rich arab guys who are willing to finance a new dancer/singer to make her video clip after a private session in that rich's man hotel room
4) Super star????
5) Everybody wants to be like nancy and haifa????
6) satellites TV's???

I don't, just a thought.

Another honor crime

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20051228/ap_on_re_as/pakistan_honor_killings

"MULTAN, Pakistan - Nazir Ahmed appears calm and unrepentant as he recounts how he slit the throats of his three young daughters and their 25-year old stepsister to salvage his family's "honor" — a crime that shocked Pakistan. The 40-year old laborer, speaking to The Associated Press in police detention as he was being shifted to prison, confessed to just one regret — that he didn't murder the stepsister's alleged lover too.
.....
.Bibi (the wife) recounted how she was woken by a shriek as Ahmed put his hand to the mouth of his stepdaughter Muqadas and cut her throat with a machete. Bibi looked helplessly on from the corner of the room as he then killed the three girls — Bano, 8, Sumaira, 7, and Humaira, 4 — pausing between the slayings to brandish the bloodstained knife at his wife, warning her not to intervene or raise alarm."I was shivering with fear. I did not know how to save my daughters,"

"I thought the younger girls would do what their eldest sister had done, so they should be eliminated," he said, his hands cuffed, his face unshaven. ....Despite Ahmed's contention that Muqadas had committed adultery — a claim made by her husband — the rights commission reported that according to local people, Muqadas had fled her husband because he had abused her and forced her to work in a brick-making factory....."

When is this going to stop? How long do we have to keep hearing of such horror stories. The daughter was bused by her husband, and her salvation was that her dad slit her throat along with her 3 sisters. Enough is enough. And we question the use of death panelty? I'd love to see him die slowely, what a pig.

Chapters from the Dark side

I used to (and still) post some poems I write that are related to dark side, and gothic poetry, in a forum. I enjoy reading and writing such work. It may not be perfect or even good, but I like them pretty much, so I'll post a couple of them here. Hope that someone out there enjoy this like I do.

I fear you no more

I am now happy that you're no longer here
You can't hurt me now so don't come near
You were the beast that taught me my fear

You've crushed me up, you've made me insane
You've given me agony and burning pain
You've left me to drown in hammering rain

You've condemned everything I've ever done
You crushed every chance of me to have fun
Yet I stand in front of you, yes I have won

Oh wicked one, why did you try to control me?
I'm not under your grasp, I’m always free
And now that I’ve won, I’ll be what I want to be

You wonder why I so much hated you
The answer was evident I thought you knew
You frighten me no more, you know that's true

I now control you, and will let you lead
In times I feel that we both must feed
On misery, agony of others and dread

Maybe one day it will all change
Maybe one day it won't be so strange
Maybe one day I'll be in your range


Darkness Tears

I feel fatigued, tired and in so much despair
My heart beats miserably, wrecked beyond repair
I wish I could go to sleep, and never ever awake,
But I've always known; life is never ours to take.

If it was all up to me, I'd want to die while a sleep,
There's no one to stop me and the cut is already too deep
I could slit my throat, and no-one would even care,
But I know deep inside of me that I wouldn't dare

Sitting up all night, alone in my room
Shaky and weeping, imagining doom
Nothing here to distract my mind, my fears.
There's no-one around, to even dry my tears.

So as I held the blade, feeling my veins
A cry from within, screaming, please refrain
I looked around and no one do I see
Yet, somehow, my soul decided to once again, be.

Mastering the spectra of life

Is it a double personality or normal. I find many things in my life (and little tiny brain) that displays a multiple personality. Maybe you guys could also see that in you, and maybe not.
I am a sucker for love music, and would sing like a canary (even though my beloved wife begs me not to sing) upon hearing them. "That’s how much I feel" for ambrosia is one of my favorite songs. "Boulevard" brings back some memories, and many more songs. But in the same time, I enjoy "white snake", "Metallica and "guns & roses" heavy metal groups. Actually, I attended four concerts total in my life, "yanni", "Metallica", Pink Floyd", and "the Cleveland classic orchestra". So much contradiction there, but maybe this is normal.
I would melt down "ya3ny basakhsekh" when I join a conversation about polymers and chemical reactions, yet I believe that I am no nerd. I know I am not a nerd, just a dude who happens to be smart in chemicals (and pretty bad in everything else), but "az3ar" in the same time.
Whatever gives you the kick and the pleasure, do it. You could present in conferences in front of tens of people speaking English with an accent, and sing "ya3a6eyyah" while playing the rababa after wards. Wake up at night praying to the almighty God, and at noon, you visit your friends to talk about "those twins" who keep appearing in the "Coors light" commercial along with the Texas Dallas cheerleaders. Love, and hate. Feel joy, and sing the blues about your misery. Hang out with the guys in the sports bar and grill, and have a romantic evening with the wife in some fancy restaurant.
I think that it is normal to live your life going from extreme to the other, provided that you know your limits, and be within the guidelines that you set for yourself. You don’t have to be always on one extreme. Just do it (sorry Nike, had to steal this one)

8/6/2005, a day I’ll never forget in my life.

Not knowing what to expect or how it would feel like, I went through the gate (gate 56 in Detroit airport) to the royal Jordanian flight to Amman. As soon as I got to my seat, my heart was pounding. I kept calming myself down that I'm not in Amman yet, but somehow, I felt as if the plane was an extension of mother land, my beloved Jordan.

I sat down, and closed my eyes because I sensed a moment of sadness and was worried that someone may see a teardrop here or there coming of a bald headed middle aged man. I started imagining who's gonna be in the airport waiting for me. Heart started pounding faster, and I knew that I wouldn't be able to resist my tears. I then calmed myself down, especially after this man sat next to me in the flight. He was a Jordanian who is studying in the states, maybe 28 or 30 doing his Ph.D. in industrial engineering.

The plane moved and the captain (3reegat was his name) informed us about the take off procedure and conditions.The plane speeds up and suddenly, I was on the air on my way home. Home, sweet home, ya tora what does it look like these days? Will I see my family very soon? well, it looks like it anyway, so calm down bo3bo3, calm down, only 12 hours that separate you from where your heart and soul are eager to be in peace.I couldn't sleep in the plane, while the man next to me slept like a baby, lucky him, he visits jordan yearly, so he doesn't have that anticipation that I'm feeling.Two seats away, this woman who is trying to comfort her baby, who kept crying. I felt bad for her. There was a kid (maybe 2 or 3 years old) who kept playing around, and the "modeefeh" begged him to move and sit down. The mother didn't like it, thinking that she owns the plane. Boy on a normal situation, I would thought of breaking the window and throw him and his mom off the plane, but today was a special day in bo3bo3's life. So no evil thoughts or wicked feelings are to be thought about today.

Then I saw the shorelines of Palestine, and my heart pounded faster. I could see cities and villages. Then the Dead Sea appeared and with it, my body had goosebumps and my heart felt as it was beating so slowly that I panicked. The plane is descending and I see the airport. We landed. I quickly covered my face because I was feeling a joy I never felt before for a long time. People rushed to get out, and I waited. My legs were shaking.Then I got out.

For the first time in 5 years, I am walking on a Jordanian soil. I walked faster and faster. I starred at every face I saw, I was just happy. Then got to the money exchange booth and got my visa. I sat down underneath a sign that said "No smoking" and started smoking. Heck, three other guys (airport workers) were also smoking in the same area.I then went to get my luggage. An airport worker tried to steal my laptop, but I caught him. He looked at me as if there was nothing wrong, and moved on his way. I got the luggage, and went straight to customs."fee ma3ak eshi yetjamrak" a dude asked me and I replied "no". He then said "tfaddal akhooy".

Then I saw my dad. The old man waived both his hands to me and I smiled back. I worked so hard to overcome the tears in my eyes, last thing I want is him seeing me crying. I then saw my wife and my son. Suddenly, I felt in heaven. Dad, wife, and son all at once? If Mom were there, it would've been the real heaven.Hugged my dad, then wife, and held junior. He started speaking Arabic to me and I was even more joyful.

On the road, dad was giving me a tour of "share3 elma6ar". There is gasr elsnoober. There is that big house on top of the hill that dad says it was transformed to like a restaurant or something. I see people on the sides of the road selling figs, grapes, and watermelon. There on the left side a ra3i with his sheep. I had a big smile on my face, while my heart was crying so hard. I just didn't believe what I'm seeing. Is it really me in Amman? I mean wow, finally, I’m in Amman?

A dear friend of mine once told me that "wa6an is where your family is" I disagree with her 100%. You can take family anywhere in the world, but can you take what composes a wa6an? bayya3 elteen is part of that wa6an. bayya3 elba66eekh is too. Elkashrah is essential. the falafel, shawarma, ro3yan elghanam, zamameer elseyyarat, and many many more things that make up this wa6an.Take all those parts, and move them somewhere else, and then, only then, I'll agree that wa6an is movable.

Wa6an, what a sweet word, that we seem to fail to fully understand. It's not the flag or the piece of property you own. Wa6an is a house that is built on so many corners and stones. Take one brick out, and the base of this house will start deteriorating.

Joy of marriage

Being married is lots of fun. I’m not talking about the comfort of having a companion, a partner in life. But I’m talking about humor fun.
One of the funniest parts of marriage life is that you get to finally know the secrets and the ins and outs of a woman. Yes woman, that beautiful creature that God created to torture man with, before and after marriage. You always used to wonder what is in that heavy purse that women carry. Now you know, or maybe I should say I know. You wanted to know all those ritual behavior women do in front of the mirror for many many minutes, and now you know.
Many questions that always were on my mind before marriage. Now I know the minimum number of perfume bottles, a woman must have. Now I know how many hairbrushes she must have. Now I know what’s in the purse. Now I know why she needs two hair dryers. Now I know what are all these small make up sets are for. I used to wonder why a make up set has like 24 different colors, and all these strange names. Now I know.
Another side of fun is to finally know what women talk about when they get together. If you are lucky like me, she will allow you to join the gathering, and sometimes, participate. Don’t be surprised when I tell you that they will discuss makeup, politics, perostrika, unionization of the work force, cooking, and how to master the art of putting a diapers on a baby, all in one meeting. I think that this is very exciting, because when I’m with men, it’s always about sports, cars, and food, and on occasions, we talk about sexy models.
Marriage, is a cage, but the fact that man is willing to do so much to enter that cage, asserts that it’s a golden cage in heaven.

Searching for A burial ground

I feel as if I am an old man on his deathbed searching for a burial ground. The vision of home keeps haunting me. Sometimes, and while I am in the middle of something, a vision of a piece of desert land over looking 6abarboor, Amman, is displayed in front of. I try to hold on tight to that vision, but it slowly fades away. I don't want to fade away. I try to vision it once again, but it's just not there.

I am haunted by the vision of a home, which I was deprived of at an early age. I feel as if I am cursed to see the promised land from a distance, yet, there is a big wall preventing me from going there. There is no wall, but my cursed wicked soul put that wall in front of me. Sometimes, I feel that I wanna do exactly what the Germans did to the wall, and destroy it, but I am shackled by this big chain that is tying me to the ground. I try to break loose, but my mind prevents me from doing so.

I can see the promissed land, I clearly can see it. I see hills and I see sand. I see shepherds and I see sheep. I see tents, and I see houses. I see faces of agony, and faces of joy. I see a wedding and I see a funeral. I smell the pure desert aroma, and I hear the noise of the traffic on the streets of Amman. I smell the food aroma, the sweets, and I smell the diesel.

Sometimes I tell myself that if I can go back in time, just to when I was 17 years old, I would change one thing, one thing, and that is not to come to the states and instead, go home. But if I did so, I would be deprived from this sweet torture of missing home, or maybe deprived of such visions.
Torture is good. We fast to feel hunger and the value of food. We stay up all night praying to the one God, to feel his love and the value of rest. Torture is good. Missing home is good.

But this chain is too strong to break. This wall is too wide and high to demolish. Is there a wall or chains? Or I'm just excusing my wicked soul to endure more torture? Or maybe I'm too afraid of the future and it's uncertainty. Maybe I'm just hallucinating and seeing things that are not there. It's so damn simple to break the wall. I know it's simple. Simple only if I let my heart decides my fate. But my wicked mind is too strong to overcome. It controls me beyond imagination. True that it allows my heart and my soul to sing the blues, get drunk on the memories, or maybe live in a fantasy world, but in the end, it has the power to shut it down. Damn I hate my brain. Damn I hate my mind. Damn I love my soul.

Damn I love my soul, because only it can make me happy with the memories and the visions of the sweet things I adore. Damn I love my soul, because only it can fly, riding the clouds, overcoming night and day, beating thousands and thousands of miles, to sneak a look at my burial ground....not too far from that sweet hill in 6abarboor. Sweet agony hurt me more and more.
Oh destiny, torture me more and more, for your curse on me is just so damn sweet.

Leave me Alone

Leave me alone, I have paid my dues
Guilty feelings and suffering are my dooms
Living in the shadow fearing those who accuse
My life has been a song of misery and blues

Leave me alone, what more from me do you seek?
The crime has been done, on the strong and the weak
Stop lynching me, blaming me, for I’m no longer a freak
Your words are like the sword, killing me, constant critique

Leave me alone, I’m tired of this journey of the outcast
Always accused, lectured, reminded of the days of the past
For many years, I got punished by those toward me massed
What would you hush you up? Electric chair, or being gassed?

Leave me alone, for you don’t really understand
What I went through….. and still withstand
Being labeled a loser, and a criminal of the land
And from lecturing about morals, I am banned?

Leave me alone, and try to look into my eyes
Or hear my heart, maybe you would hear the cries
Of that past reminder, the looks, and the implies
If only you can hear my prayers at night that reaches the skies

Leave me alone, your approval I seek no more
I have found Allah that accepted me and more
And found that someone that loved me like never before
For I am no longer have to worry about the war
That for many years agonized my soul, and my heart it tore

Leave me alone, or you know what, don’t
Repentance to you, no, I don’t want
To give me mercy, something you just can’t
And your love, no, no, I think not.

Life is a .....

Turmoil, disaster, a funeral, an unknown journey...or should i say a watermelon? You either get a good one or a bad one, no in between, you and your luck (or destiny). In the end, it's too late, you just bought this watermelon, and u simply can't take it back.

Do u choose this watermelon? NO.
If your parents are Muslims, 99% you'll end up a Muslim.
If they are Christians, again 99% you will be the same.
If you are born with a defect, tough luck.
If you are born to be misplaced so far away from them, again, tough luck.

No one had a great life so far, I mean it wasn't perfect, and I'm sure u went through many bumps on the road, and took many turns. But to overcome all those obstacle, that’s great human reaction. Yet, many were unfortunate and simply either couldn't overcome the obstacles, or simply can't.

AAAH destiny, again keeps creeping on me (and you) teasing you, letting you know that it will always remain the mysterious unknown part of your life. It fools around with you. Sometimes it suggests to you that the doors of heavens are wide open, and once you reach those gates, they shut in your face. Destiny will be watching and laughing.

The sad and funny part is that with all your hardships, and all those bumps, if you were asked to go back in time and change a thing, you will chicken out. Because u know that there will be a trick from destiny, and it will always win. So why bother go through the bumps again, u already did one time.

You walk down the street and you look people trying to read their life. You think you know how, but you’re full of it. There is a woman who is holding a baby while smiling to others. You think she is fine and dandy, but what do you know? Maybe she has bruises underneath her shirt.

Or that dude who has this nice job and family and seems to be the greatest life, but u don't know that they have a kid at home who is mentally challenged.

Or that sweet looking girl who is full of innocence as she walks home from her high school, but u don't know that she has this relationship with her boyfriend, and now it's too late, and she is just thinking of how to hide this from her parents and future husband.

Or that happily married woman who is sitting with her husband eating dinner while enjoying their time, but u fail to see the agony in her heart now that she discovered a love letter in her husband's pocket.

Or that 10 years old boy playing outside with his friend, so joyful, so innocent, but u fail to see the wound that is left in his soul after being raped by his uncle.

aaaah destiny, it is watching us all the times, thinking of how to ruin our lives tomorrow and the day after. Yet, we wouldn't dare to change a thing, even if we could.

So, what is life again? oh yes, a watermelon.